Potty training journal II

After the first several days where I felt like we were constantly (I know that's an exaggeration) cleaning the floor and changing his outfit, Caleb had a day with no misses! Every time that day when he needed to go, he said, I need to pee, then went and got on the potty. He is peeing into the potty most of the time now, with just one or two misses per day. Sometimes when he is playing or hanging out in the kitchen, he will stop, look down, and a puddle materializes. But more and more he is realizing the urge and making it to the potty!

We are still working on pooping into the potty. If he is already sitting on the potty, he does well, but he doesn't necessarily stop playing to go #2 on the potty. I have some underwear to clean today, and they're more than just wet. Ahem. Is this TMI?? I feel like it's important to document, but I realize this is pretty detailed!

Yesterday, he had a couple misses but stayed dry during his nap-- that is good progress!! You can't really "teach" someone not to pee while they are sleeping. :) That's more of a maturity thing, or being smart about limiting their liquid intake for an hour or two before sleep. (??)

There have been several days where he has successfully gone first thing after waking up, or mid-morning. I think we will do Pull-ups for church, Bible study, and errands... We haven't tried using public restrooms yet, and I'm really wishing we had one of those portable potties for kids.

I might just bring our kid potty in the car and try that... but Caleb likes to climb around in the back of the Pilot, so he may be distracted if I put him and the potty back there and expect him to just sit on it and go. Why sit still when you can climb over the seat, push the light buttons, and grab the handles in the ceiling? :)

The last few days Caleb has really resisted going to the potty. But if we just say, it's time to sit on the potty, even if you don't go, and "help" or "encourage" him (i.e. carry him kicking and screaming) to sit down, he will usually go. :) We are working on having a good attitude in obeying Mommy and Daddy. I am so grateful he is doing so well at calming himself down enough to talk in a regular voice. We will often ask him, when he starts crying or whining, "Please try again in a normal voice." It might take a few tries, but he really does have a remarkable ability to do it, for a two-year-old. He's a special kid and even in the challenges, I am so grateful God gave him to us for a time.

Potty training journal

Here's a recap of the first four days of potty training, not completely sequential. We took a break for Easter weekend and resumed this past Monday.

DAY ONE (3/26)

I didn't really keep a log of what we did the first day. I think we just sat a bunch on the potty, and stayed in the bathroom. I do remember he peed on both rugs we have in the master bath, two separate incidents. :)

Day One Tally: 1 pee, 1 poop, 3 misses

Caleb and Daddy hanging out on the potty, cars in hand -- 3/26

DAY TWO (3/27)

After almost a solid hour of sitting on the potty (at his request, I tried to give him breaks), Caleb peed into it! He went just a little bit at first, then he went some more! Woohoo! He is motivated. Especially for those M & M's, which I have no problem using as a reward in the beginning days of training. He still has to really concentrate to pee on demand, but it is starting to click! He pooped in the potty too! I had put a diaper on him for lunch, and I smelled it coming, so we took the diaper off, he sat down and he went #2!

After his nap, he sat on the potty for almost an hour and a half, and.... nothing. We gave up and put on a diaper for dinner. About 20 minutes later, he exclaimed, "I peeing!" He was right. That is also a sign of progress. At one point, he wasn't aware of when he was urinating.

It hasn't been instant, but he is working toward toilet independence. I have found this exercise to be good for us. He and I have been bonding as we've been spending time together and I've been observing him closely.

Day Two Tally: 1 pee, 1 poop, 0 misses*

*I think the zero misses is due to the fact that Caleb was parked on the potty most of the morning, not because he could hold it. :)

DAY THREE (4/1)

Mom/Grammy graciously took a "shift" of potty training in the morning, a few hours of sitting with him in the bathroom. They read books together, and he did pretty well! I'm not sure he would have gone into the potty if he weren't already sitting down on it, but at least it's the right sensation. I feel bad for her; he was very productive, but it was of the smelly variety... She is an amazing grandmother who is willing to clean up stinky messes! I was feeling very tired and worn out from the Easter festivities-- and truly, still recovering from our Hawaii trip-- and just did not have patience for the task.

We put on a diaper for nap through dinnertime, and resumed training the following morning.

Day Three Tally: 2 poops, 1 pee

DAY FOUR (4/2)

I think today was the first time Caleb sat down on the potty and immediately started going, on purpose. Pretty awesome!! That was after two "misses" (peeing on floor) and one "catch" (peeing into potty) during the morning. Since that first intentional time, he has sat down and peed three more times! At lunch (in training undies) he said, "I want to pee," walked over, pulled his undies down, sat down and went into the  potty!! (second intentional one) He is getting it. :) It's a good thing, too, because I was starting to despair. I really thought today was the last day I'd work on it with him; maybe he just needs more time, I thought. It didn't seem like anything was changing-- other than his clothes, haha. :) He didn't seem to be able to tell when he was going to pee; he just noticed when he started peeing and his feet got wet.

Today, after the first miss, he started splashing in it and trying to slip and slide on the tile floor. THANKFULLY, we have only had to clean tile so far.... no carpet. I try to keep him on the tile when he's "practicing," i.e. not in a diaper.

It has been draining, because along with this skill he's learning, which takes a lot of effort and patience on both participants' parts (Mommy and Caleb), there have been a LOT of behavioral issues all day long, and I wasn't sure if they were related. He doesn't want to sit at the table for dinner. He doesn't want to put on jammies at bedtime. In the morning, he doesn't want to put on clothes. It's probably hard to take such a big developmental step; it's a big change and a big progression into "growing up" to become toilet trained. Caleb has been very emotional, and pretty testy of boundaries, just like when he first turned two, and I also despaired of surviving that. I really didn't know how I was going to make it. I would kind of half-joke with other moms, but I really meant it when I said I didn't know how to get through it. It's really, really hard to deal with meltdowns and strong-willed-ness. The word "obstinate" comes to mind... He had been resisting putting on underwear; now he's resisting putting on a diaper for naps. Pull-ups, here we come! He tends to want to not get up from the potty and wants to just sit there and read books for hours (which is pretty incredible, but not when you actually have to go somewhere or eat a meal or go to bed, etc).

For naptime today, he is wearing underwear, and I fully expect to change some sheets today. :) We have been letting him sleep in his "red bed" (toddler bed with a red-and-white comforter), so I put his potty in the room and told him he could ask me for help if he wanted to go potty during nap. If he falls asleep, we're in trouble.

A few hours later... Well, he didn't exactly nap, but he did pee into his potty! And he came and wanted to show me. Over the course of the rest of the day, he had several successes, all catches and no misses in the afternoon/evening.

And we didn't have to change the sheets. :) He was on a roll!! It seemed to really click. He would get up and sit on the potty, then voila, success. Sean and I wondered together how it would go from here, since he seems to be doing so well.

Look, Ma! I peed! -- 4/2 -- notice the laundry basket with wet clothes/towels in background

Day Four Tally: 2 misses, 1 catch (happened to pee while sitting), 8 intentional pees into potty!

DAY FIVE (4/3)

Lots of peeing... some of it into the potty. Most of it onto the floor (or the driveway-- we went outside for some fresh air in the morning). It was a pretty rough morning. I don't think we had any catches, and I wondered if Caleb still remembered how to do his recently-acquired skill.

Our friend Nicole (Nikki, or "Mickey" to Caleb) GRACIOUSLY sat with Caleb for two hours in the afternoon, so that I could go for a run and run an errand. He is happy to sit on the potty for hours and look at books; that's all he wanted to do that afternoon. He sometimes does NOT want to take a break or put on underpants (which is baffling yet cute; he'll say, "No, Mommy, want to pee again," then when nothing comes out, he'll exclaim, "Peeeeee! Like dat"). Nikki was amazingly gracious, because Caleb had success of both varieties, and she handled it without complaint. I had told her she could call me if he used the potty, and I would come home since I went running in the adjacent neighborhood. Cleaning up someone else's mess is far from my favorite thing to do, so I didn't want her to have to do that. That goes above and beyond, in my book!

Honestly, for my "run" I walked for a few minutes to warm up, saw a park, and sat down on a park bench. I had used up all my "oomph," a.k.a. mental willpower, during the morning and didn't have the motivation to run. It was a gorgeous day, mid-70's, lots of people at the park because it's Spring Break this week.... I'll admit I laid down on the park bench with Chloe in the jogging stroller nearby and closed my eyes. Approximately five minutes later, she started crying and I realized it was time for her to eat. I nursed her sitting there on the bench, then put her back in the stroller and jogged home.

Mom and Dad gave Sean and me a date night, so they helped Caleb use the potty in the evening. I think he went a time or two for them.

Day Five Tally: ??? I forgot to keep track, but I think there were about 3 misses, and 3-4 catches

DAY SIX (4/4) 

Lately Caleb has been coming into our room when he hears my alarm clock go off. That's good for being held accountable.... but bad because I always crave a little more "snuggle under the covers" time and those first few minutes after I wake up I have to drag myself out of bed. Once I'm up I feel pretty chipper, for the most part. I have seriously become a lie-in-bed junkie. It's one of my favorite things to do. I'm not sure why. (Ok, I know why... um, having kids???!!)  Anyway. Today, while I was still dragging myself out of bed, Caleb went into the kitchen, where the potty was, and peed into it all by himself. Way to go, guy! That was a good start to the day.

Yesterday during my errands I bought some Pull-Ups, which are pretty much really expensive diapers. :) But they change color when wet. And they mimic real underpants because you step into them and pull them up. I must admit the color-changing effect is convenient. :) I think I will try to save those for naps and nights, because they wick the moisture away and Caleb is less aware that he's wet. I'd much rather do extra laundry than pay for pull-ups.

This morning Grammy came over and read books with Caleb for awhile, and he did pee into the potty several times (maybe 3 more times?). He has spent quite a bit of time on the potty today. He is really struggling with big emotions. Huge emotions. And often, I'll give him two choices but he wants neither of them. It's hard when he fixates on something he can't have, or I don't want to give him (like running around naked, not a habit I want to establish, even though it's cute).

This morning he sat on my lap in a bath towel for 30 minutes because he took a bath, but didn't want to put clothes on. I'm trying to be more patient with him, instead of manhandling him to do what I want.

Once we made it to his bedroom, where his clothes are, he put on his own shirt, mostly by himself. Usually I have been dressing him, but he is to the point where he says, "I want to do it all by myself." Literally. He is such a verbal child. It's pretty amazing how well he talks for a 2 1/2 year-old. Today he said he wanted to put his shirt on himself. I pointed out he could put his head into the bottom of the shirt then through the head hole, and let him try it. It was cute, he got it past his head so it was around his neck, then he tried to put his hand in the arm hole from the outside instead of up through the inside. All the little things we take for granted, huh?

It's been very trying, this conquering-of-a-big-milestone. I am thankful he is sleeping during naptime today. He needs it, and Mommy needs a break.

Day Six Tally: 4 catches (as of naptime), 0 misses

--

I hope this hasn't been TMI. I'm sure it's extremely fascinating.... just like watching a train wreck is extremely fascinating. Just kidding... potty training is hard but much more positive and rewarding in the end. It is very neat to see your child grow and conquer something as monumental as this. I'm sure it will be amazing to look back a few months from now and be like, "Hey, remember when we were potty training Caleb and I thought I was going to die? Or at least eat a whole package of Oreos in one sitting? Yeah, it was bad, ha ha..."


I'm going to wrap up here so I can actually publish something. Stay tuned for more escapades!

{12 in 13} March

Life was good. I had decided to try a simple approach to growth, goal-setting, life. I picked one big "thing" to focus on for each month of this year... Then I joined two Bible studies. And had a second child. And Sean had his wisdom teeth out in early January, which ended up including infection and two additional oral surgeries to rectify it.  We've gone to Hawaii twice, in February and March, to visit Nalani. Sean is taking classes for his master's degree in apologetics-- not easy classes, and his only opportunity to work on them is in the evenings/weekends. In addition to having a new baby, we have a two-year-old whose language of love is quality time.

It's been a busy year so far.

January's goal, potty train Caleb, is staring me in the face.
February's goal, share love, was a smashing success.
March's goal, start a garden, is still waiting to become reality.

I am realizing I never thought through what I would do if I didn't meet my goal in a given month. Keep it on the plate and try to do two "big things" at once the following month? Discard it and move on? Keep it on the back burner in case I finished another month's goal early, and only attempt it in that case, so I'm still doing one "big thing" at a time? In Caleb's situation, ignoring it is not an option. :)

I'll admit I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I was doing great with the tempo of my schedule until we went to Hawaii last week (16-23 Mar). I was even getting all my homework done for both Bible studies! But now I am thinking something has to go. Probably the first, best option would be to slash Facebook/online time. I have the nasty habit of "rewarding" myself with some veg time during Caleb's nap, because "I've earned a break." The "just checking my email" usually turns into 1-2 hours of FB and online browsing, following links to articles that are often useful, but become time-wasters when I have not earmarked that time to read online articles. Or I'll get lost in researching a debate, whether it's the safety of prenatal ultrasounds, or the evils of refined sugar, you name it. There is so much "information" out there, much of it conflicting, it's hard to know what the "right" answer is.

A second way I could recapture some time is to get up earlier. That has also been a particular challenge since we returned, with jet lag hindering my attempts to get up at a reasonable time. Not that I was very disciplined before our trip. I honestly don't know how to change. My willpower is not exactly stellar when half-asleep and my body's in the habit of wanting more sleep.

A third option, concurrent with the others, is to prayerfully consider (again) what God would have my priorities be. I want to regain that clarity and purposefulness in my daily life, instead of seeing everything in front of me, all the time, and feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I want to focus on one thing at a time, even one task at a time, and enjoy the time I do have. Especially time with the kids. Instead of seeing them as an obstacle to productivity, I want to see them as a gift I have the responsibility to steward well, for the Lord. I'm training and shaping precious human beings' character, all day long, under the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. What a high responsibility.

All that being said.... today was Day One of earnestly working on potty skills with Caleb. After a few hours of hanging out in the bathroom half-naked, he has peed in the potty once. And on the floor three times, in far greater quantity than what made it into the potty. :) But still. I think it's progress. The other day he said he wanted to learn to be potty trained and not use diapers. That is progress. He has been resisting even conversation about it until recently.

For a couple hours I had tried the "sit on the potty every 30 minutes" technique which didn't seem to be very effective. We're going to try the technique of 10 minutes on the potty, five-minute break... for a few hours at least, maybe a couple days running. I only did that once this morning (10 mins. on), and that is when he peed a little bit into the potty. A few minutes later he peed a LOT on the floor, but that's okay. The process has begun. Thankfully, he is an exceptional toddler who will sit and read books with someone for a long time. He has a really good attention span. I am also thankful for tile floors in much of the house!

How do you manage your priorities? What specific techniques do you employ to remind yourself of them?

Until next time...
M

{12 in 13} January: First update

Well.... the holiday weekend has come and gone, and no potty training occurred... an auspicious beginning to this new goal-setting endeavor. :) Sean and I hadn't had a chance to "compare notes" until after Saturday morning, at which point we mostly-mutually decided to postpone it. And when I say "compare notes," it means "try to explain to Sean what I've been reading and then we decide how we want to do it." But we had a little bit of marital miscommunication, or lack of grace-giving, or I'm not sure what to call it.... just enough to make me want to not push the issue.

I wanted to start the training when we'd have a good chunk of time to work on it (e.g. first thing Saturday morning). I did not think it would be very profitable to start it, say, Sunday after church, where we get home and have maybe an hour of awake time before Caleb's nap. I'm wondering if there might never be a time that seems perfectly convenient to start something like this.

I'm also thinking it might be better for us to try the gradual approach, because of the season we are in: getting to know a newborn. :) Caleb is familiar with his potty chair, and has asked before to sit on the potty with no diaper, but I really don't think he's aware of when he is peeing. One of those times, when I had let him sit on the potty, I helped him stand up, then he peed on the floor, and was like, "Oh! What's that?" He had no idea he had caused that puddle that magically appeared (or so it seemed to me).

So for now, we are still in diapers full time.

The "gradual approach" means (for us) I will start taking him to the toilet a couple times a day (probably after meals so it's easy to remember), sitting him on it for a few minutes so he gets used to it; whether he goes or not is not important. If/when any poop or pee makes it into the toilet, praise the heck out of him. That's as far as I've gotten so far. :)

Any tips, you moms-of-boys-who-are-potty-trained?


I've also been thinking about the rest of my goals... and even spent some time writing out all the action steps I could think of for each month. For example, for my May goal (run the Bull Canyon Run 10k), I put:

• look up Couch to 5k program
• write out training plan
• start running 
• ask Mom to babysit kid(s)?
• join YMCA?
• look up healthy diet for running
• buy sports bra?
• pump up tires on jogging stroller
• register for race online
• update May budget to include registration fee

For my February goal, I have decided on the baked goodies I will make, as well as quantities of ingredients needed and a shopping list.

For my April goal, I have looked up several Bible reading plans, and dusted off my Daily Light. (I've actually started reading the Daily Light already; is that cheating? ;) My grandmother gave it to me when I graduated from high school, and she's been reading it daily without fail, probably for several decades.)

For my May goal, I have looked up the "couch to 5k" program and will plan on beginning it this coming week (it's a nine-week progression of interval training to get you up to running for 3 miles straight, starting with alternating jogging/walking in one- or two-minute increments). There's also a "5k to 10k" app, but I don't have a smartphone! I'll have to keep hunting and see if the information is on the web site in a different format. The Bull Canyon Run is 16 weeks away from last Saturday (1/26), woohoo! This is one of the few goals that exceeds one month in planning/execution. Most of the rest of them are contained within the month.

Anyway...

I'll plan on placing links to all the monthly posts in one place as they accumulate!

Because He Loves Me

One of the books I received for Christmas and have started reading is Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick.

I've only read the Introduction and the first chapter so far, but already I feel like I need to stop and digest what I've read, or work through a few things in my heart (that's something I love about Elyse Fitzpatrick's books-- so meaty and true).

Her premise is that the gospel should inform our daily life, even after we are saved; the gospel isn't just for getting people saved, but living saved. I agree with that premise wholeheartedly. I've even said things to that effect.

My problem? (Not with the book, but with my thinking.) I have trouble really believing that God loves me. I find it pretty easy to believe He loves "the world" and sent Jesus to die for our sins.... but actually feeling like He loves me? Much harder. For some reason, it's easier to think God loves "the world"-- the sum of humanity, everybody combined-- than to think he loves me, with my faults and sins and not-that-great-ness. I'm just average, not a supermodel or a superstar, not an expert at anything. I still often struggle with wanting to earn my salvation by being perfect, or at least exceptionally efficient, in everything I do. I think I need to prepare the healthiest meal plan, or keep the cleanest house, or raise perfect children, as if doing those things could somehow ingratiate me to God. I think I need to please the people around me by being agreeable and never hurting their feelings, being thoughtful and sweet and utterly untouchable.

The thing is, He made me. He knows me. He does love me. And not because of what I do, as if I could ever be good enough. (Um, I'm pretty sure the standard is perfection.) He loves me because He chooses to. He has given me His grace and saved me, just because He chose to. That's the definition of grace: a voluntary expression of mercy to someone who does nothing to earn it and does not deserve it.

I love it when God ties together truth from different contexts. For exactly two weeks, I have been attending Community Bible Study, a nondenominational organization that has written Bible studies that take place with mostly volunteer staff in various cities around the world. There's a group that meets at a church less than one mile from our house. We're going through the book of Hebrews, and last week's lesson was on "God's promised rest" from chapter four. In the homework we looked at the various "rests" God describes. One type of rest is resting in God's work on our behalf-- His work of saving us. (Note: not our work of saving ourselves!) The lesson tied in John 14 and 15 as well: God's promise of perfect peace; and His call to abide in Him.

That's liberating. It's also very hard for me to really, truly accept, for whatever reason. That's why I feel like I can't keep reading this book until I start to take hold of that truth: God loves ME, Marisa Beth Allen. He knows everything about me, and He loves me. He sees my insecurities, my sins, my heart. And He loves me.

He loves you too. Do you really believe it? Or do you still fall into the trap of trying to be good enough, trying to earn acceptance, trying to work for your salvation? You can rest in the finished work of Jesus. Won't you strive toward that end with me?

Many thanks to Sean, who played trains with Caleb while Chloe slept so I could write this!

Baby journal-- April/June 2012

Since we didn't share our news for the longest time, here is a weekly recap. :) I wrote a little bit each week as it happened, so it would be in-the-moment fresh.


Easter Sunday:
Expected period did not arrive. I'm a little incredulous and hesitant-- maybe it's just a day or two late. We weren't trying!! In fact I wanted to NOT try to conceive! Once it was a week late, I figured I must be pregnant. Nausea pretty much confirmed it. Still no period at about five weeks from LMP.


6 weeks (4/18): 
Still in denial! Haven't taken a test yet, because then I might fret more. That strategy seems to be working-- I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. Seems very surreal.


7 weeks (4/28): 
Well, I'm about 7 1/2 weeks along, and feeling pretty nauseous pretty regularly. I've only thrown up twice so far, though!

Predominant thought: I don't want to go through this again!!

Having had two miscarriages definitely impacts my perspective. This time around, I am trying to shift my thinking from, "Man, this stinks, feeling bad all the time," to "Thank you, God, for the opportunity to carry this life for one more day." There is no guarantee for tomorrow, even if you've never had a miscarriage, even if you give birth to a perfectly healthy baby (or babies)-- something could happen at any time, to any of us. God has numbered every person's days, and He is all-powerful and completely wise and good. He knows how many hairs are on our heads. We can trust Him with all the unknowns, trust Him with the future that He has already planned out. He has already arrived there! (Not sure how theologically accurate that statement is, since He transcends time... but the intent is that there is no time or place where He is not.) We don't have to fret over what might happen, because He is present there, overseeing it all with His tender gaze. Wow, what a thought.

Only a few weeks until my first OB appointment (they like to schedule the first visit for between 10-12 weeks), and then a few more weeks until we will be past the first trimester, which should mean everything will be okay. Again, there are no guarantees and I am trying to guard my expectations.

After all, I know now that you can feel pregnant-- nausea, growing tummy, fatigue-- even when the baby is no longer healthy. I know now to wait to announce the good news publicly until after at least the first ultrasound. I know now that God's ways are not my ways. I know now that He still loves me and loves each and every little one conceived in every womb. I know now that He brings comfort in anguish and grief and loss.

My mind is full of questions about this pregnancy, but I am choosing to not obsess over them, because they are impossible questions. Is it God's will for us to keep this baby? Will we be able to meet this little one this side of Heaven? Why did He choose for me to get pregnant now, when I wanted to wait before trying again? (That one is more easily deciphered-- perhaps He wants to grow my trust in Him and force me to let go of my fears of losing another baby.) What about foster care? We thought that was God's plan for us for now, after the last miscarriage in February. We were obedient to pursue it, even though we were pregnant, then the miscarriage happened and it seemed to make sense. The Dept. of Human Services won't even certify pregnant couples for full-time foster care. Because God is knitting a baby in me now, not due to our "trying to conceive," why would He potentially let it die? Will He let it die? I know I can't use my own logic to figure out God's purposes. It could drive me crazy trying to make sense of this.

I have to come back to the thoughts in the paragraph above: He is all-powerful and completely wise and good... He is present everywhere, overseeing it all with His tender gaze.


I don't have a lot of answers, just faith; and some time to endure before it will become more clear. Until then, I thank God for each day, and thank Him for the little things.

8 weeks (5/2):
It's hard to believe you can be more than halfway through the first trimester and still not sure if you should get excited. My first appointment will be on May 10th (eight days!), but that's just a paperwork appointment, no ultrasound. I think at that appointment I can schedule my first ultrasound (do you have any openings for "ASAP"?). Each day there is no bleeding, I take that as a good sign. Not a guarantee, but one of the few outwardly-observable measures of how a pregnancy's doing. Still feeling nauseous and exhausted, so that is good. With the first miscarriage, I suddenly felt normal one day, and started miscarrying shortly after. I know I am more easily irritated at Caleb's childishness than I would otherwise be, from sheer fatigue. I have gotten pretty annoyed at how often he has dropped heavy things on my toes the last few days! He's not being malicious, he just brings me a board book or a truck, and can't keep his grip on it.

Right now I'm using precious nap time to write instead of rest! ... I have a short attention span, so I just checked Google Reader and looked at some blogs, taking a break from writing one. Geez, how do I ever get anything done? One thing I want to change in my habits is spending the first hour of Caleb's nap surfing the Web, mostly a waste of time. Today I did look up "how to braid challah" and found a video, which took about 10 minutes total... The rest was not super profitable. Browsing "news" on Yahoo is not what I consider profitable, yet I keep doing it because I must enjoy the opportunity to veg and not think about anything important. I really need to be more disciplined. :)

One other thought that's been weighing on my mind recently: the further along you are, the more traumatic a "pregnancy loss"-- both physically and emotionally. ER visits are not convenient. Major cramping is quite painful. Losing a child, even from the womb, is devastating. Yet God is holy and perfect and all-powerful and good. We can know that whatever He allows is for a purpose-- and we can know that the suffering now, in the waiting, is for a purpose. Maybe I am just weak, but I consider waiting a form of trial. Surely not as severe as other types of suffering, but still a taste of it. Waiting is hard for us (me?). I wonder how many times the Word exhorts us to wait. Wait for what? Wait on the Lord.

9 weeks (5/9):
Well, my OB appointment has now been cancelled and rescheduled twice, with a current date of next Tuesday,  May 15th. I really was doing okay with the waiting! I felt almost completely peaceful about it. Then to get a call the morning of my 3 p.m. appointment (May 10th) with the news that my provider was sick; big bummer but "okay, I can take this in stride." I decided to take the gamble of rescheduling for the next day at 8 a.m., even though she might still be sick. Well, the next day I dropped off Caleb with Christina at 7:30 a.m. (a big feat to get out the door that early, I think, even though I had told her I'd be there at 7:15-- this pregnant lady does not like to get moving before, say, 9 a.m., especially with nausea, fatigue, and a sick-and-needing-attention hubby still in bed at home today...) and headed to the clinic 20 minutes away. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail. Please let it be Sean. It was Melanie at the clinic, very apologetic that she had just found out when she arrived for the day that this nurse is still out... and she's the only person at this particular clinic who does intake appointments (what they call the preliminary paperwork appointment). She tried, but wasn't able to reach anyone at Evans, the Army hospital at the far south end of town, the only other military OB option, to see if they had any openings that day. Welp, at least I can pick up the paperwork packet and not have to come early next time. I did, and rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday-- by then I will be almost 10 weeks along. Just four more days to wait. It could either be no sweat, or very challenging! I figure, God saw that I was exercising some trust in Him, so he upped the ante so I could grow even more. A few more reps, at a higher weight, builds more muscle, right?

Speaking of weights... I was reading a pregnancy book recently and was struck with the urgency of working out more--okay, at all-- by phrases like "bounce back," "smoother labor and delivery," and "toned muscles." Just like with Caleb, this first trimester I have struggled with intense fatigue, often crashing right after dinner, and taking a nap or a rest every day during his naptime. But, with the looming fright of a potentially-difficult L and D, I mustered up the energy to go for a 30-minute walk yesterday (5/10). It was absolutely gorgeous outside-- 80 degrees, sunny, puffy clouds, green grass, whispering trees. It was great, and I didn't feel too worn out afterward, either. I did take a killer nap when we got back, but hey, maybe being a little more active will help me sleep better. (I've been having really weird dreams lately! And hip pain. And heartburn.) I already feel better about my decision to start exercising more consistently, knowing that 1) I will gain weight at a safer rate if I am exercising, 2) toned muscles help improve your posture, especially with all the weird things that are going on inside you, and 3) it prepares your body for the stamina it will need to deliver that baby! I don't have a Y membership for nothing! In fact, I plan to go for a walk when Caleb wakes up.

That's the physical status report... emotionally, I know I am out of whack because I cried at a "military spouse appreciation day" e-mail.

10 weeks (5/16):
Well, my OB appointment happened!!! I was able to meet with the nurse who was sick last week, and she felt so bad about having to cancel that she managed to grovel with the sonographer lady and squeeze me in for a little ultrasound! This is what I had the privilege of seeing:

A healthy, living baby with two little arms and two little legs-- and the cutest feet! His/her heartbeat was 179, healthy and good, right in the normal range. I must admit I was pretty surprised to see a healthy baby inside me. I was all but ready for the sonographer to say, "There's nothing in there."

But God was gracious in more ways than one! I wasn't expecting an ultrasound at that appointment. In fact, I have a longer 50-minute appointment now scheduled for May 21st where they do lots of lovely stuff involved with an "OB physical" (including something that rhymes with map beer, hate those). So not only do we have a healthy wee one, we got to see it! Well, I got to see it. Sean was at work. God could have made me wait until the 21st, and that would have been okay. But the wait was mercifully shortened, and I can even be thankful for the initial cancellations since they might have had a tiny part in my nurse's sympathy.

11 weeks (5/23)
I worked out with my friend Christina today at the YMCA-- about an hour of weights, woo hoo! I have been easily light-headed lately, especially when I don't drink enough water. It felt good to strength train! We (Sean and Cameron and I) did a 10k last Saturday! I felt very tired most of the way, but didn't push myself too hard. I had only run a couple times in the several weeks prior to the race. When I felt tired or out of breath, I walked. The first four miles were uphill, so I figured it would have been a challenge even if I weren't pregnant. They guys were super-awesome studs and stayed with me for most of it. I had them go on ahead when I had to walk after the first 20+ minutes, then when they reached the turn-around point and were heading down while I was still heading up, they stayed with me for the rest of the race. It was a lot of fun!! We got to talk and joke and hang out. We went to Panera afterward for something hot, since it had rained and hailed shortly after we finished the race! We got a little wet running to our cars. God was very gracious to cause the rain to hold off until after we were finished!

I was very happy to realize recently that I have not been nauseous much at all lately!! Just very, very, very tired. Naps are essential! When I don't lie down during Caleb's nap, I seem to barely make it through dinner and have trouble getting up from the couch. All I want to do is sit and do nothing. But we are so thankful there is a healthy baby inside me!! It is hard to believe. I can't wait to start feeling kicks. It's also hard to believe there are only two more weeks left in the first trimester! We are looking forward to telling friends and extended family. Still haven't reached Sean's brother and sister-in-law in Italy!

12 weeks (5/30)
Well, we have made it to this milestone, where supposedly the risk of miscarriage goes WAY down. That is pretty exciting! And still surreal to me. Anything can still happen, I know, and I also know that God is completely in control. But I am thankful for today. Each day that nothing happens is a good day. A small part of me still isn't ready to get totally behind the idea of being pregnant-- which is weird, putting it that way.  It doesn't matter if I "get behind the idea," because it is a reality whether I believe it or not! I wonder when I will stop wondering. Maybe never. Maybe once you have something bad happen, you are more aware of the everyday possibilities. We shouldn't let fear paralyze us or steal our joy, but it does sober you to realize that really painful, really hard things can and do happen in our lives, or our friends' or family members' lives. I do want to enjoy and appreciate each day, each moment, as much as I can. We shouldn't assume we can control our circumstances or other people.

I guess I just have to assume everything is okay unless 1) one of those miscarriage "signs" shows up, at which point I call the doctor and/or go to an ER, and until 2) my 20-week ultrasound, only about 8 weeks away (which is also the gender-revealing ultrasound, WOW).

I am also wondering if the second-trimester energy has hit early! We went camping last weekend over Memorial Day, and though I was tired during the trip and a few days after we got back, today I have been cleaning and putting things away and folding and washing and baking all day long, and am still feeling good at 3 pm! I think I will lie down at least for a little while, before Caleb wakes up, just to make sure I have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

13 weeks (6/6):
My jeans are starting to get uncomfortably tight! That's a good sign, I think... even though it means I will soon enter the no-(wo)man's land of "none of my clothes fit right." Maternity clothes are still too big; regular clothes are too small. Oh well. Definitely not going to complain about making it this far! I still think about it as "making it to __ weeks." I bought some gummy prenatal vitamins, which is the best invention EVER! Who ever thought a nauseous pregnant lady could stomach a huge horse pill that makes you more nauseous after you take it? They are humongous. So I wasn't very good about making myself take them, hoping that a healthy diet would be enough (I think I took a total of 3 during the first trimester). Now I can still eat healthy AND get some vitamin reinforcements. Bought Caleb some gummy bear vitamins too... and I keep catching Sean eating them like candy.

14-15 weeks (6/25):
I'm just now starting to maybe look a little bit pregnant. But not to the point where anyone would say something-- anyone with good manners, at least! I'm looking forward to my 16-week appointment, where I will hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler device and talk to the midwife. I've gained about 4 pounds total so far, right on track. I've been working out somewhat consistently (2-3 times a week), but do have trouble with lightheadedness when I do weights. I just drink lots of water and take lots of breaks. Christina and her husband Wes are in the process of adopting a baby boy, so she won't be able to be my Y partner anymore. Sad for me, amazingly awesome for them. Little Josiah was born on June 20th and I am so happy for them!!!!

Present
Well... I'm now at almost 19 weeks and feeling pretty normal, just tired a lot. I think the pregnancy symptoms are less shocking, having done this before. I'm not surprised when they show up, and they have been pretty mild so far. I've been feeling kicks the last few weeks, and they are getting more frequent. Sean has yet to feel them from the outside, sadly. Soon! My 16-week appointment went really well. Caleb and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat (in the 160's, normal and good), and my provider even let Caleb "try." He was lifting his shirt and saying, "belly? belly?" so she put the Doppler device over his heart and we heard his heartbeat! I'm always grateful when people are kind to my son. :) 


I have one more regular check-up before our PCS... and dun duh duh... THE ultrasound where we find out the baby's sex will be on July 26th!!! That happens to be one of the days we will have packers at our house... but that was the only available appointment until mid-August, so I took it. Hopefully we can find someone to watch our house (and Caleb!) for a couple hours while we go to the appointment at Evans an hour away. Super exciting. I think less and less about something bad happening to the baby. It still doesn't seem real that we will have another child in our lives soon. Maybe after the ultrasound when we know whether it'll be a boy or a girl it will sink in. I catch myself saying, "after the baby's born..." just like "after we move..." but neither of those seem real yet. Probably some time after they happen it will finally register.

On grand entrances

Today was going to be the day. Projected high of 48 degrees, plenty warm outside. Energy, motivation, and free time were all mine. Today was the day I was going to start running again!

I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.

Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.

I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.

I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)

Boots and Bedtimes

Yesterday I cried over a pair of boots.

(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)

I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.

I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).

But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.

It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*

Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I am cheap frugal (ok, I'm actually cheap), but I do like quality items. Good quality boots are often $100+, real leather and all that jazz, you know. Well, I was at the mall a few weeks ago, not looking for boots at the time, but rather looking for an elevator to go upstairs with Caleb. We wandered into Sears because I thought there was one in the back of the store. Turns out it was an escalator, but since they frown upon hiking a stroller with a toddler in it up the moving steps, I decided to turn around and keep looking elsewhere in the mall for a way up. On our way out of Sears, I saw the shoe section! In the shoe section, I saw a wonderful pair of boots that were just about perfect! AND, to boot (haha), they were on clearance for $34.99! (About $36 and change with tax.) They didn't have my size, but the salesperson I talked to said they could order them on the computer, and they would be shipped to my home, for free! Awesome, let's do it! We did it, I paid for them, and happily went my way, even sent up a little, "Thank you, God" as I went. I got an e-mail the same day saying my order had been received. It may have been the next day that I got another e-mail saying they had shipped! Very exciting. A few days later, they arrived! We heard a doorbell (Sean was home at the time), and I thought, Hey, I bet those are my boots! Yay! That was fast! We opened up the box, and.... they didn't look right. They weren't right. There was a big gold zipper up the side, and it was a suedy brown and not a shiny smooth brown. For a moment I considered keeping them, if they fit, even though I didn't like them as well as the ones I ordered. But then I looked for the size. Seven and a half?! They're not even the right size! Ugh.

But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.

Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.

I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???

And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.

I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.

But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.

It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.

Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.

The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.

Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.

When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!

(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)



*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!


Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.

Vacuum Trials

We put a vacuum on our wedding registry (I did zero research on different brands or models and just zapped one). We received said vacuum from one of Sean's relatives. It's not the best vacuum in the world, but it works worked adequately. Recently, the belt broke-- a pretty common part to break and pretty easy part to order. Sean hopped online and ordered a new one (yay, he's wonderful). It arrived, several weeks later. Sean installed it (he's extra wonderful). I started vacuuming.... and not only did the belt break again, but something happened to get the roller bar off track somehow and the end melted, so now the roller bar will NEVER roll again. I'm sure that part can be replaced, but it would mean several more weeks of dirty carpet, which already has not been vacuumed for several months. Since Caleb spends a fair amount of time very close to the carpet, I want to make sure it's reasonably clean.

It's gotten to the point where I feel like I just can't stand it anymore, so today I called my friend Christina from church, one of the few friends of ours who lives close to us out here in Falcon! She gladly let me come by and borrow their vacuum-- a Kirby!  Now those things are quality. Expensive to buy, but quality cleaning machines.... I vacuumed Caleb's room first, since he needed to go down for a nap soon (this is thrilling, I know, but believe me, it is going somewhere); then I moved on to the living room. I vacuumed about half of the rug... and decided to move the couch, like I'd been wanting to for some time. I moved the couch, and for whatever reason decided to vacuum the master bedroom before finishing the living room. When the master was about 3/4 done, I noticed a funny smell, the machine sounded different, and the green light on the head was dark. Great. Well, I looked online to troubleshoot, and one of the suggestions was to make sure the brush bar was moving. It wasn't... aha! I started cleaning out the hair (why all the gory details? puh-lease! well, it'll make the punchline better. Hopefully.) and noticed this vacuum's belt was not quite broken all the way through, but very much "frayed" and "deteriorated," like the manual PDF online described. I'm definitely starting to feel a little weird-- what is it with me and vacuums lately? It has been pretty frustrating to not only live in a dirty house (one, I spend a lot of time here with Caleb, and two, as a homemaker it's almost a reflection of me as a person-- I should find my identity in Christ, not in how well I complete my to-do list or how clean my house is-- still working on that) but also to go through two different vacuums, for the same reason. And to break someone else's vacuum, after they were kind to let me borrow it... yikes.

Each time a vacuum has broken, thwarting my intentions, I have reminded myself, okay, this is nothing in light of eternity. But it is still frustrating, and I believe it is okay to call it a "trial." Not all trials have to be earth-shattering. Some are simply annoyances that impede us, things that make life a little more difficult, a little less smooth. I am learning to "count it joy" and be thankful for what I do have: an incredible husband; a "gigglebuns" son who is a joy; a comfortable home; paid-off, dependable cars; two sets of amazing parents; and so much more.

And..... my incredible husband okayed the purchase of a used Kirby I found on Craigslist for.... $150. About what we'd pay for a new vacuum, but not a regular Hoover or Eureka, a Kirby. (I am still getting over my crush on Kirbys.) It works great! And I am a happy camper, who actually likes vacuuming, now that I can.

So if you have to stand in a long line, or people at work annoy you, or your car (or vacuum!) breaks down, try to think of all the ways God has blessed you. You should be able to come up with quite a few things! I have found it's a great way to adjust my perspective.

Sleeping... or not

Perhaps I have been too excited (and too talkative) about how well Caleb sleeps, because lately he has been struggling to go to sleep at night, and sleep all night long. Naps are still peachy, with only an occasional cry or two. Most of the time he goes to sleep for a nap with a very short wind-down routine: swaddle, insert paci, lay him down, and place blanket on top. Last night we put him down around 7 p.m. I think, and it was 8:30 before he was asleep: we let him cry for awhile, then tried soothing him, which he would have none of. I finally nursed him a little and he relaxed, and I put him down still awake. He cried a few times, then snuggled into his blanket (finally). He woke up this morning around 2 a.m. (I put in his paci and we both went back to sleep-- he's still sleeping in a co-sleeper next to our bed), and then he was wide awake when Sean left for work around 5:15. Caleb started crying around 6:30 (I think), but stopped around 6:55. I was planning to feed him no earlier than 7, and picked him up once he stopped crying to bring him into bed to feed him.

I've heard that reaching "developmental milestones" like starting solid foods can disrupt normal sleep patterns. Well, we just started solids this week with barley cereal (yum). I don't see how the teeny tiny amounts he's actually ingesting (like 1 tsp. or less, once a day) could affect him so much! But hey, it is a big change when all you've consumed your entire life has been breastmilk.

I think part of it is... we need to be consistent. We hate letting him "cry it out," but then he seems to cry more if you let him cry for awhile, THEN go in and comfort him. But do you go in with every little peep? Nope. I've heard him go back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of a nap and cries for a few minutes. I want to break the habit of crying (and relenting) so that he cries less. Oy. I guess we just need to determine to leave him be once we put him to bed at night, for however long is necessary; no time-limit for going in to him. I think we could commit to three days, which is what they say it takes. We tried it before and he cried for an hour... and got a bloody nose. That's kinda scary for a newbie parent. But, they say the crying has a pretty steep decline over two-three days. So perhaps we will do it and see how it goes.

I also think, after last night, that it is time for him to sleep in his room, in his crib. He doesn't need night feedings anymore, and has been sleeping through the night (10-12 hours) for three months now. I just wonder if we should introduce it now, when he has a crying issue, or if the change will make it worse: disorienting or fearful for him to be "banished" to a new place and trying to get himself to sleep when he's already struggling. ARGH. I know this season won't last forever, but it is frustrating to know what to do. I also know that it's important to establish good habit patterns now.

Welp, it's time for his 11 a.m. feeding! Until next time...

Chicken Caesar Salad

I am so thankful for the access we have nowadays to recipes and cooking information online!! I had a hankering for chicken caesar salad one day, so I hopped online and browsed for a few minutes. In a short time I was able to come up with recipes for caesar dressing and homemade croutons! It was a pretty awesome meal. The homemade croutons were AMAZING! I ate... several... before they made it onto the salad.

Side note: Sean is an amazing help in the kitchen, and has even cooked entire meals with only verbal input from the couch where I'm feeding Caleb... but don't tell him he actually "cooked" or he'll deny it. :) Sean offered to help this particular evening, so I said he could cut up the chicken for the salad. I had baked a complete tray of 6 chicken breasts, with the intent of using 2 or 3 of them that night, and saving the rest for another meal. We had our friends Josh and Cam over at the time, I was feeding Caleb in the bedroom, Sean was chopping, then we all sat down to eat. Yum! A hearty meal, even though it was a salad, right? I noticed the chicken was cut bigger than I would have cut it, but that's okay, he offered to help and there's nothing wrong with big hunks of chicken in a salad. Different does not equal wrong, so I could move on from that observation... and cut my pieces before eating them. I looked over at the counter, to a lonely cutting board with only dribbles of juice and chicken "crumbs."  -- Hey Sean, where's the rest of the chicken? -- Um, what chicken? You asked me to cut it up, right? -- (Ah ha! Here we come to a crucial epiphany: my intent to use only 2 breasts had remained in my mind, not verbalized to the chicken-chopper himself. He put all six breasts in the salad, hence its hearty appearance. There really was a lot of chicken in the salad, it didn't just look like a lot because it was big pieces. Mystery solved!) I couldn't be mad at him, for after all, he had no way of knowing my wishes, since I didn't share them. It took me a couple seconds, though, to let go of it.

As close as we are, we still can't read each other's minds! Go figure. :) We love being married and are so thankful God has orchestrated our paths the way He has... but this is also true: we are both sinners through and through! We do sometimes sin against each other, from selfishness or pride, despite the fact that we do love each other. Pretty refining environment. I am so thankful Sean is so patient with me. He listens to me as I try to figure out the inner workings of my heart, and has never once been unkind to me while I'm crying! He's really good at sympathizing, which I so appreciate! It's awesome to be in a relationship that shows you a little bit of God's love for you... especially when you know you can get upset over petty things like someone else putting "too much" chicken in the dinner salad. :)

What would you do...

...if your husband, who normally gets home from work at 6:30 a.m., was not home when you woke up at 7 a.m.? And if your husband's cell phone was currently not working, so he didn't have it with him?

I decided to get up, make breakfast, do my normal Bible study workbook, and try not to worry. About every five minutes, I'd pray, God, please keep him safe.

I made breakfast, sat down to eat it, and looked at the clock. I attempted to journal some in my workbook, and looked at the clock. God, please keep him safe. He's probably fine. I did some dishes, then went and washed my face, trying to maintain a normal morning routine (and looked at the clock).

I debated about whether to call the ops floor to see if he was still at work.

I decided to wait until 9 a.m. to call, and in the meantime, rehearsed what I'd say: Hi, may I speak to the MC [guy in charge], please? Hi, sir, this is Marisa Allen. My husband, Lt Sean Allen, is teaching a mid-shift course in the Mod 5/6 sim, and he hasn't come home yet. Could you please see if anyone knows where he is? (I'd feel pretty sheepish making that call, which is most of the reason I was going to wait so long.)

I thought, maybe his car broke down somewhere along the way-- 14 miles of pretty-rustic roads, replete with cow fields, cracked asphalt, and not much traffic. The base is out in the boonies, but people do work there, so maybe someone will drive by. And he's got no cell phone, so he either has to wait for that someone to stop, or try and find a farm or somebody with a telephone.

I wondered if I should drive out along the route he normally takes and see if that was in fact the case: stranded husband ran out of gas halfway home.

I thought, maybe they locked down the portals (telephone-booth-like structures dividing the "restricted area" where he works from the rest of the base) and they're not letting anyone in or out. This happens somewhat often, delaying people for 30 or 45 minutes, or more.

I thought about calling my mom: um, Sean's not home yet. Do you think I should call the ops floor? Or can you pray for me? But it was pretty early in the morning and I didn't want to alarm her unnecessarily. Again, feeling sheepish.

I wondered how long it would take our extended circles of friends to find out about his untimely demise (assuming he'd been mugged, in a car accident, or whatever). Would they find out on Facebook? How awful. Where would we have the funeral? I know he doesn't want to have a military funeral. The squadron will suffer with losing another member-- we went to a memorial service for one of Sean's peers just last month, a suicide. At least I have a black maternity dress. I don't want to have this baby by myself!! I really don't want to be without him! I'll raise a fatherless child! Will someone marry me someday? How will I get through the grief? Should I stay in Colorado? Move back to California? Get a job? Sell the house, pay off the house? Who do I ask for help with those decisions, since Sean is my best friend and co-decision-maker?

By 8:30, I was tired of wandering around the house with my thoughts, unsettled. I had the cell phone in hand, literally about to call, when the front door opened and in walked my husband, in his flightsuit, backpack on, perfectly fine. He was a little surprised when I walked over, clung to him and burst into tears. I wouldn't say I was hysterical, but I was definitely shaken. I knew, even at that time, that I was probably over-reacting, and he'd have every reason to wonder why I was crying so hard. Good morning to you, too? I wasn't mad at him, just torn up at the thought of losing him. He held me and shushed me and was very patient. (Can I blame pregnancy hormones on this?)

Turns out, he had decided to take care of some paperwork after his shift ended, and it took awhile. But he was fine, and it hadn't occurred to him to call and let me know he was staying later-- didn't occur to him his wife would let her worries explode and rob her of peace as the minutes crept by. He was very apologetic, had no idea it would be so traumatic for me, and we've established that he'll try to call if his schedule changes, and I'll choose not to worry. :)

This whole incident is a great example of NOT trusting God, NOT taking captive my thoughts. I was trying to pray, kinda sorta, but still didn't "think on what is true." I wasn't exactly successful at banishing the scary thoughts I was having. Absolutely nothing bad happened, but I was antsy and tense, and I hated not knowing.

That's what faith is for: trusting something you can't see, choosing to believe it's sturdy enough to bear the burden of your trust. And that's our struggle, having an incomplete picture, always incomplete, with facts and insights missing, though we trust they are there. We trust there is someone bigger, wiser, more powerful than we are who is not only powerful, but good and perfect and capable of bringing about the absolute best outcome. "Best" doesn't mean the same thing to us as it does to God, because we wonder how suffering could ever be good, but we can know He will work all things for good.

Hopefully my little story is entertaining, but more importantly, I hope it's an encouragement to trust God. Even when we don't know the details. Especially when we don't know the details. 'Cause you know what? Even if something bad had happened to Sean, it would be okay. God would sustain me, and everyone else who would grieve. God could even bring good out of it, somehow, in that crazy way of His. We do have hope for the future, not only hope that we will see Sean again, but hope that there is life beyond this one! If we have hope in Christ, we have the certainty of being forgiven, of being accepted by God not on merit of our good deeds, but because the blood of Christ covers us. We don't have to pin all our happiness on an earthly life, nor should we. It's not about our efforts of being good, earning love, or pleasing people. It's not even about being married for a lifetime-- as much as I do want to have many, many years together with my sweet love. Even a lifetime is a limited quantity of time, versus eternity, which is, well, eternal.

Anyway, it's too late to remain coherent, so I will end here, for now. Hopefully next time something like this happens, I'll remember this whole episode and choose a different response when bombarded with irrational fears. :)

July events

Not much out of the ordinary has transpired for awhile, but we have had a few "events" recently! Expect to see pictures and posts soon of:

• Sean's birthday shindig
• a spontaneous Denver day trip
• TMC alumni brunch at the Broadmoor, also fairly short-notice
• visit from Uncle Stan and Aunt Phyllis
• the burgeoning baby belly

I must admit, I have had a few moments of "I am ready to be done being pregnant!" But I know 1) it's only for a limited time, the end is in sight; 2) it's only going to get worse, and 3) I will probably miss feeling his movements inside me. Of course, that bittersweet nostalgia will be balanced by being able to sleep on my stomach, move around more easily, go for a run (in time), and hold and smooch on our son. So, I don't think I will miss being pregnant much right away. I do want to treasure this time and choose to be thankful for it, even when it's uncomfortable. People were right: summertime can be a bit miserable. But I have been making lots of smoothies (nutritious and delicious!) and trying to remember the snowy months and how ready I was for the weather to be warmer. Warmer it is. :)

As soon as I muster up the motivation to download our recent photos, I'll post some of them!

24 Weeks

Getting BIG! I have a feeling my days are numbered for certain activities, like trimming my toenails or lacing up shoes. :) I've been having some pain in my abdominal muscles, either a pulled muscle, or just the normal stretching-out that occurs. I called the clinic to make sure it wasn't something serious that needed attention. (Because my body's functioning fine otherwise, and there's no hard lump or anything wrong with the skin, the nurse thought it was muscle-related.) I would concur; it definitely felt like a sore muscle the first few days.... now it's a sharp pain if I laugh too hard, pick up something heavy, or reach for something on a high shelf. Sometimes even sitting up is challenging. Sean tries not to laugh at me when I go from giggling to wincing. :) It's a pretty sharp jolt, but brief, so I'm hanging in there. Just wanted to share a symptom to balance my gushy-gooey posts lately, to let you know that I'm not in complete denial, that I don't think everything's always rosy.

Here's our son!!!! I am so irreparably biased, but I do think he is going to be a cutie pie! Can't wait to kiss his little nose and nibble his fingers and toes.

3D technology is so cool! I am thankful we have access to such things to allow us glimpses into pre-born life! I think he has Sean's lips. I still have trouble believing there's a real, all-new person coming. We'll see who he resembles once out of the womb!

Packing up!

I had forgotten how much kitchen stuff I had here in CA, packed away from my apartment! Lots of spices and sugar and oil, good staples that I am excited to take to CO. We won't be taking all of it, however! We discovered we have had some "helpers" in the garage... mice who went through my stuff, ate some of it, shredded other bits of it, and left little presents behind, all without my permission. Just thought you'd want to see the carnage! We are making good progress, and will finish packing this afternoon. We plan to load it all onto a truck Monday, then depart for Colorado on Tuesday! Exciting!! It's been overwhelming at times, but my parents are awesome workhorses who just plug away at it, so much so that I feel like I am barely helping! I'm not supposed to lift heavy stuff in my condition, but I still want to contribute (and have... some).

One-Pot Chili

My ingredients...

I had to "borrow" Logan's big pot (a Dutch oven, maybe? It has a big metal lid, with a handle that gets really, really hot) because the saucepan I started with was filled to within about 1/8 inch of the top... before I added the pasta and broth. Oh no! Too full!! Minor emergency in the kitchen! I will be thankful when we move into our house and I can have all my pots and pans around me, even the big ones! For now, we are definitely surviving with what we have. No worries there... it just requires a little creativity (and the unknowing graciousness of our housemate, ahem. I sort of raided the cupboards looking for a big enough pot). I wish I would remember to halve the recipe at first, if it's a new one I haven't tried before, to see if it will fit in my pot!

Finished product: not much to say, other than YUMMM. Sour cream was the perfect crowning touch. Cornbread would have been awesome as a side, but we didn't have the fixin's. Oh well! I don't usually put penne in my chili, but it was a nice addition and provided some carbs. Beef, bell pepper, onion, pinto beans, cumin and chili powder, diced tomatoes. Definitely a "you can do this again" recipe.

On a slightly-related note, I am probably far too proud of the fact that people often comment on the awesome lunches Sean brings to work. :) I love taking care of him and sending him to work with something hot and delicious.... but I also love that people know I can (and do) cook. I want to be a good wife, but I don't want to be a self-absorbed, arrogant wife. :) Something I'm working on...

The Little Cake that Couldn't

Sadly, we have had a high-altitude casualty. I attempted some chocolate-banana bread (CBB), and it did NOT turn out well. It looked fine throughout baking, but when I came back after it had cooled, it had also fallen.... and was super gooey inside. Bumm-er. Sean willingly ate a few slices, but I've noticed the rest is still in the pan a few days later (an extremely long lifespan for desserts around here). I made a dozen mini muffins with part of the batter, and those turned out ok, if a little dry. (Chocolate frosting, anyone?) Those we devoured that same day. A lesson learned! Some recipes don't need modification-- the chocolate zucchini bread I made a few months ago came out just fine, and I've made banana coffee cake as well. I think this CBB recipe had a fluffier consistency that didn't hold up. Someday I'll post something about the science behind why things bake differently "up here" (and why water takes forever to boil), but I will save that for another day! Until then, take a deep breath of your nice, thick air and enjoy your day!

Counting Blessings

I have had a rough few days. Ever had a spell like that? Just a spate where you are emotional and discouraged, liable to cry at any moment (and NOT due to PMS, thank you very much). Well. Thanks to "Mom's Mail Delivery Service," I have been reading a phenomenal book called Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow, and it is so good! Its main theme is contentment: in our circumstances, our roles, our relationships, ourselves; trusting God with wishes and fears. As in, I just wish things were different... or I hope __________ doesn't happen, and What if....

It is so good to remember that God is the "blessed Controller of all things" and is able to orchestrate my days, whether I like the way things are or not. It's so simple, and so readily apparent that 1) I am not in control, 2) I am not happy when I try to control things, 3) God is the source of contentment, and 4) it is possible to choose to be content.

These are not new revelations, things I didn't know before. In my head I have known for a long time that God is in control, not me. But how easy is it to know something and yet fight against it or still try to do things my way anyway? There are a few situations in my life that I chose to be a part of, yet somehow I still feel it is unfair that I have to deal with them. Huh? Tell me how that makes sense. It doesn't really. So....

I have a dichotomy, a black and white choice, yes or no: how will I choose to think about the things I wish were different, things that cause me pain and make life difficult? Will I choose to be thankful, knowing God has a purpose for them in my life? Or will I choose to complain and let bitterness take root in my heart, poisoning me and those around me? Will I blame others for my unhappiness, or will I decide to let go and focus on good things? Where will my eyes land; where will I fix my gaze? A short, striking poem (from Calm My Anxious Heart) that illustrates this:

Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other stars

To clarify: by no means do I think I am in prison! I have so much to be thankful for, and that in fact was the original purpose of this post, to post some blessings I want to celebrate. I just think it's important to realize that we do have a choice about our attitude. We are not forced to complain, or made to be bitter. So without further ado, a partial list...

• my wonderful, sweet husband who takes such good care of me and is a joy to love and serve and live life with. I just love him to pieces, and he is so gentle with me! 
• our Skype dates with Nalani: we get to see her sweet little face (and sometimes-crazy hair) and hear her talk to us. She will know her daddy's face and voice even though we are often far apart geographically. Praise Jesus for free technology that lets us be "close" to loved ones!
• my amazing parents, who send us copious amounts of mail filled with encouragement (and sometimes food!)
• awesome parents-in-law, who include me on the family e-mail convos
• loving sisters and brothers who enrich our lives, though we don't get to see them often enough
• a roof over our heads, but beyond that, an amazing house to live in!
• generous landlords, who have let us borrow things we accidentally packed away into storage (like bath towels and cleaning supplies)
• they also let us do our laundry for free using their machines
• a king-size bed with a cozy down comforter, such luxury
• beautiful sunrises and sunsets (sunrises vouched for by Sean)
• gorgeous mountains!
• clean air to breathe
• two working cars
• the ability to read-- where would I be without that often-taken-for-granted skill? no recipes or web sites or e-mails or books or magazines or letters or road signs!
• the fact that my education is complete (for now, unless I want to pursue a PhD...)
• beautiful forest views out all our windows at home
• familiar friends from CA who are stationed here and are fun to hang out with
• my little 3-quart crockpot (Sean recently told me that if he had known how much yummy food would come out of that little guy, he would have sprung for it a whole lot earlier!)
• unlimited running water, hot to bathe with and cold to drink
• Underarmour-type pants, Christmas gift from Sean, which I wear pretty much every day under my jeans. Keep me warm even when I go outside!
• my baby-blue fleece jacket. Wear that thing constantly
• a laptop to check e-mail and blog with :)
• friends who call just to say hi, because they want to keep in touch
• our recently-paid-off-in-full student loan!! Huge feeling of accomplishment there
• Sean's job that provides well for us, and is even enjoyable for him most of the time
• libraries that let you borrow books and DVD's and magazines for FREE
• a camera to capture special moments
• having someone to experience special moments with
• a husband who appreciates, and always eats, my cooking, even if I think it is bland or needs a few changes to make it "just right"
• delicious food I get to prepare and be creative with (I'm so glad that is one "wifely task" that I get to enjoy too! I love good food!)
• a husband who loves to learn and loves to share what he's learning
• a husband who prays with me and loves God
• a husband who is funny, talented, and smart
• a husband who is willing to take lunches to work every day instead of eating out
• a husband who will rub my feet or my back without being asked!
• a husband who gladly goes grocery shopping with me
• a husband who gives good hugs and always asks about my day (I know he's on here a lot, but he is truly one of the biggest blessings in my life)
• not least of all, a God who wants to know me and walk with me, not just an aloof creator-wizard dude but a loving, compassionate, wise, strong (many more traits I could name) God who created me, and everyone, to have fellowship with Him. AND a God who restored that fellowship after we had rebelled and shattered it. He's the only one who could save us, and He did. He also makes it possible for us to truly be content and let go of anger, bitterness, hurt, the "need" to be justified, and anything else that is yucky.

 So we come full circle. We have a choice of where we will choose to aim our eyes, what words or events we will choose to replay in our minds. Will we take delight in even little things that He does, seemingly-small ways He blesses us in daily life? Or will we complain and turn inward, repeating to ourselves the injustices done to us, seething with resentment and hate? It seems pretty obvious that one way is freedom and a burdens-lifted sort of life, while the other is slavery to ugly emotions that truly suck the life out of life. While it may be obvious, I am not trying to trivialize the angst of choosing. I know it is not easy to choose that first path. I myself have often wavered at that crucial moment, not quite willing to let go because I feel like I can't, yet not wanting to be crushed under the weight of it either. No, it is not easy! But it is always a choice available to us. And God can certainly give us the strength to choose it.

Though I am learning this lesson and am starting to choose forgiveness, contentment, and peace, by no means have I "arrived." I am sure that there will be many times I will have to choose again, when new hurts are piled on old-but-healing wounds, when new uncertainties pop up and I start to wonder about the unknowns in our future. It's a continual cycle, not a one-time event. At any moment I could be confronted with an opportunity to dwell on pain or discontent or fear. I am encouraged that the more often I choose to forgive, choose to focus on the good, choose to let go and trust God, the easier it will become. Or at least, I will have seen and experienced that it is possible to make that choice, and will then be willing to keep trying to do it!

One big epiphany that helped me a lot was asking myself a couple questions. What does God want in my life? and, What does Satan want for my life? It's a stark contrast: God wants freedom, hope, trust, and love to bloom in my heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy. The Bible calls him the "father of lies," and if he can convince me to hold on to his lies, he will seem to be winning against God. He could never win, but we often follow his bad advice over God's good words, and suffer for it. Satan wants me to be bitter and angry, unforgiving and callous. He's not looking out for my best interests, but merely wants to thwart God's plans to use me. I can't let that happen. :) Why does God want me to forgive? It pleases Him, but it's also good for my health! So often we think the things God wants for us will be bad for us, but that is not true. How could suffering be a good thing? we ask. It's hard to know, especially when it seems innocent people are enduring anguish beyond reason, like in natural catastrophes, or ongoing poverty. But ultimately we do know that suffering shapes us, and builds character, which leads to hope. So often in the Bible it says to rejoice at suffering-- what???! How counterintuitive is that?? But the secret is..... that is the path to contentment and true, deep, abiding joy. Strangest thing you ever heard, but it's true.

And since you are reading this, YOU are on my "blessings" list. :) Won't you be happy along with me in the ways I am finding joy? And some homework for you.... I challenge you to make your own list!