Counting Blessings

I have had a rough few days. Ever had a spell like that? Just a spate where you are emotional and discouraged, liable to cry at any moment (and NOT due to PMS, thank you very much). Well. Thanks to "Mom's Mail Delivery Service," I have been reading a phenomenal book called Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow, and it is so good! Its main theme is contentment: in our circumstances, our roles, our relationships, ourselves; trusting God with wishes and fears. As in, I just wish things were different... or I hope __________ doesn't happen, and What if....

It is so good to remember that God is the "blessed Controller of all things" and is able to orchestrate my days, whether I like the way things are or not. It's so simple, and so readily apparent that 1) I am not in control, 2) I am not happy when I try to control things, 3) God is the source of contentment, and 4) it is possible to choose to be content.

These are not new revelations, things I didn't know before. In my head I have known for a long time that God is in control, not me. But how easy is it to know something and yet fight against it or still try to do things my way anyway? There are a few situations in my life that I chose to be a part of, yet somehow I still feel it is unfair that I have to deal with them. Huh? Tell me how that makes sense. It doesn't really. So....

I have a dichotomy, a black and white choice, yes or no: how will I choose to think about the things I wish were different, things that cause me pain and make life difficult? Will I choose to be thankful, knowing God has a purpose for them in my life? Or will I choose to complain and let bitterness take root in my heart, poisoning me and those around me? Will I blame others for my unhappiness, or will I decide to let go and focus on good things? Where will my eyes land; where will I fix my gaze? A short, striking poem (from Calm My Anxious Heart) that illustrates this:

Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other stars

To clarify: by no means do I think I am in prison! I have so much to be thankful for, and that in fact was the original purpose of this post, to post some blessings I want to celebrate. I just think it's important to realize that we do have a choice about our attitude. We are not forced to complain, or made to be bitter. So without further ado, a partial list...

• my wonderful, sweet husband who takes such good care of me and is a joy to love and serve and live life with. I just love him to pieces, and he is so gentle with me! 
• our Skype dates with Nalani: we get to see her sweet little face (and sometimes-crazy hair) and hear her talk to us. She will know her daddy's face and voice even though we are often far apart geographically. Praise Jesus for free technology that lets us be "close" to loved ones!
• my amazing parents, who send us copious amounts of mail filled with encouragement (and sometimes food!)
• awesome parents-in-law, who include me on the family e-mail convos
• loving sisters and brothers who enrich our lives, though we don't get to see them often enough
• a roof over our heads, but beyond that, an amazing house to live in!
• generous landlords, who have let us borrow things we accidentally packed away into storage (like bath towels and cleaning supplies)
• they also let us do our laundry for free using their machines
• a king-size bed with a cozy down comforter, such luxury
• beautiful sunrises and sunsets (sunrises vouched for by Sean)
• gorgeous mountains!
• clean air to breathe
• two working cars
• the ability to read-- where would I be without that often-taken-for-granted skill? no recipes or web sites or e-mails or books or magazines or letters or road signs!
• the fact that my education is complete (for now, unless I want to pursue a PhD...)
• beautiful forest views out all our windows at home
• familiar friends from CA who are stationed here and are fun to hang out with
• my little 3-quart crockpot (Sean recently told me that if he had known how much yummy food would come out of that little guy, he would have sprung for it a whole lot earlier!)
• unlimited running water, hot to bathe with and cold to drink
• Underarmour-type pants, Christmas gift from Sean, which I wear pretty much every day under my jeans. Keep me warm even when I go outside!
• my baby-blue fleece jacket. Wear that thing constantly
• a laptop to check e-mail and blog with :)
• friends who call just to say hi, because they want to keep in touch
• our recently-paid-off-in-full student loan!! Huge feeling of accomplishment there
• Sean's job that provides well for us, and is even enjoyable for him most of the time
• libraries that let you borrow books and DVD's and magazines for FREE
• a camera to capture special moments
• having someone to experience special moments with
• a husband who appreciates, and always eats, my cooking, even if I think it is bland or needs a few changes to make it "just right"
• delicious food I get to prepare and be creative with (I'm so glad that is one "wifely task" that I get to enjoy too! I love good food!)
• a husband who loves to learn and loves to share what he's learning
• a husband who prays with me and loves God
• a husband who is funny, talented, and smart
• a husband who is willing to take lunches to work every day instead of eating out
• a husband who will rub my feet or my back without being asked!
• a husband who gladly goes grocery shopping with me
• a husband who gives good hugs and always asks about my day (I know he's on here a lot, but he is truly one of the biggest blessings in my life)
• not least of all, a God who wants to know me and walk with me, not just an aloof creator-wizard dude but a loving, compassionate, wise, strong (many more traits I could name) God who created me, and everyone, to have fellowship with Him. AND a God who restored that fellowship after we had rebelled and shattered it. He's the only one who could save us, and He did. He also makes it possible for us to truly be content and let go of anger, bitterness, hurt, the "need" to be justified, and anything else that is yucky.

 So we come full circle. We have a choice of where we will choose to aim our eyes, what words or events we will choose to replay in our minds. Will we take delight in even little things that He does, seemingly-small ways He blesses us in daily life? Or will we complain and turn inward, repeating to ourselves the injustices done to us, seething with resentment and hate? It seems pretty obvious that one way is freedom and a burdens-lifted sort of life, while the other is slavery to ugly emotions that truly suck the life out of life. While it may be obvious, I am not trying to trivialize the angst of choosing. I know it is not easy to choose that first path. I myself have often wavered at that crucial moment, not quite willing to let go because I feel like I can't, yet not wanting to be crushed under the weight of it either. No, it is not easy! But it is always a choice available to us. And God can certainly give us the strength to choose it.

Though I am learning this lesson and am starting to choose forgiveness, contentment, and peace, by no means have I "arrived." I am sure that there will be many times I will have to choose again, when new hurts are piled on old-but-healing wounds, when new uncertainties pop up and I start to wonder about the unknowns in our future. It's a continual cycle, not a one-time event. At any moment I could be confronted with an opportunity to dwell on pain or discontent or fear. I am encouraged that the more often I choose to forgive, choose to focus on the good, choose to let go and trust God, the easier it will become. Or at least, I will have seen and experienced that it is possible to make that choice, and will then be willing to keep trying to do it!

One big epiphany that helped me a lot was asking myself a couple questions. What does God want in my life? and, What does Satan want for my life? It's a stark contrast: God wants freedom, hope, trust, and love to bloom in my heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy. The Bible calls him the "father of lies," and if he can convince me to hold on to his lies, he will seem to be winning against God. He could never win, but we often follow his bad advice over God's good words, and suffer for it. Satan wants me to be bitter and angry, unforgiving and callous. He's not looking out for my best interests, but merely wants to thwart God's plans to use me. I can't let that happen. :) Why does God want me to forgive? It pleases Him, but it's also good for my health! So often we think the things God wants for us will be bad for us, but that is not true. How could suffering be a good thing? we ask. It's hard to know, especially when it seems innocent people are enduring anguish beyond reason, like in natural catastrophes, or ongoing poverty. But ultimately we do know that suffering shapes us, and builds character, which leads to hope. So often in the Bible it says to rejoice at suffering-- what???! How counterintuitive is that?? But the secret is..... that is the path to contentment and true, deep, abiding joy. Strangest thing you ever heard, but it's true.

And since you are reading this, YOU are on my "blessings" list. :) Won't you be happy along with me in the ways I am finding joy? And some homework for you.... I challenge you to make your own list!