Run!

Today's forecast: 60's and mostly sunny; 100% chance of run in the afternoon.

We did it! Caleb and I went for a run... though I must say he gets the easy end of the deal. :) It was really windy, the kind of wind that snatches the breath out of your throat and causes temporary panic. It was also the type of wind that provides significant resistance! For precisely that reason, I chose to alter my Bullet out-and-back route by turning right instead of going straight down Bullet Road. When it's really windy and you're running outside, you know one half of your run will be pretty much miserable, and the other half will be a breeze (ha). You'll feel like you're flying when the wind is at your back. Well, I didn't want to start out with a miserably slow first half. So we turned right and had a cross-wind, somewhat challenging but not impossible to deal with. It was lovely! Overcast and windy, but not freezing! It was a great time. Here's how it went, in minutes.

1:45 -- starting to feel warmed up, muscles are remembering what they are supposed to do

4:45 -- tired legs, they remember too well!

10:10 -- rounding the final corner for the home stretch

12:45 -- done!

I consider this a smashing success. No collapsing strollers, no injuries, no walking, no tears of defeat. It was good. I am thankful for days like today where things actually go okay.

I'm considering signing up for the Bolder Boulder, supposedly the second-largest race in the US. I thought I saw that stat on the web site, but now I can't find it (it's always good to verify your facts...). This year's race is going to be on May 28, 2012, Memorial Day! That is 96 days from now, plenty of time to work up to a 10k. :) We'll have to see if Sean wants to make it happen. Boulder's a couple hours from here, and we might need to stay there the night before since the race starts first thing in the morning. I think it would be fun! Sean and I did a couple 10k's last summer and it was a great experience each time. We shall see! (No strollers allowed at the BB, so we'll have to figure that out.)

Until next time.... walk in grace!

On grand entrances

Today was going to be the day. Projected high of 48 degrees, plenty warm outside. Energy, motivation, and free time were all mine. Today was the day I was going to start running again!

I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.

Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.

I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.

I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)

In the grip of His grace

Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

All of the verses throughout this story are ones I have committed to memory in the last several months.  At the time, I didn't know I would need them the way I do now.  God has been bringing them to mind throughout each day, and they are such a comfort.  Here’s the full story, starting last fall.

THE FIRST CHAPTER

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.  Psalm 71:5

In October 2011, I had what is called an “early miscarriage.”  We had taken a pregnancy test on October 11^th, my birthday.  We had been trying to get pregnant, so of course I took a test as soon as I thought was reasonable!  Less than two weeks after we found out, I started to miscarry, at about 6 weeks gestation.  It was a traumatic experience—I felt scared, upset, guilty, and so disappointed; I called Sean at work when it started, and he immediately came home; we spent the good portion of the day in various waiting rooms at Evans Army Hospital. 

GRIEVING

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.  Psalm 86:15

Over the next few months as I grieved (Sean grieved too, I’m just sharing the experience from mostly my perspective), I got teary-eyed whenever I would hear a baby cry.  At playgroup, I had to leave the room when moms started talking about how far apart their children were, because I knew I was about to lose it.  Two of our close friends (two couples, that is) announced they were pregnant, and again I went to another room to cry each time—very happy for them, but experiencing very raw pain as well. 

Over those few months, I really experienced how solid God’s character is, and how much knowing Him deeply can help us survive painful experiences.  I relied on Scripture that talked about God’s abounding love and faithfulness, His mercy and sovereignty.  It was certainly a painful time, but it didn’t destroy me.  I never sank into depression, for which I am thankful.  I feel like I have healed from the raw pain of that loss, though it still surfaces at times, and have grieved over the child we will never know, never get to hug or bathe or even see.  You grieve for lost opportunities, a lost future for your family, even if you never really knew your baby.  At times I wondered if my grief was reasonable, since we had known for such a short time that we were even pregnant.  (I decided it was.)

DO NOT WORRY

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34

As soon as we got the doctor’s okay to try and conceive again, we did, and on December 22, 2011 we got another positive pregnancy test result.  We were so happy, but I didn’t really let myself get excited.  I struggled with worry and fear: what if something happens to this baby too?  I felt the time would never pass until we could tell people, or let ourselves get excited about having a new baby.  We decided to wait a long time before telling anyone, even our families, just in case something happened.  It was very hard to wait several weeks, but we did.  Once I reached 10 weeks, we thought that was a good point to tell people we were pregnant.  After our experience in October, I had read as much as I could on miscarriage.  I had read that after 10 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage goes way down—still with no guarantees, but the most precarious time in a fetus’ development has passed by that point.  Over the course of a few days, we told our parents, our siblings, our Bible study group, my ladies’ Bible study, and our friends.  Oh yeah, and we told the world by posting it on Facebook.

THE ULTRASOUND

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock.  Isaiah 26:3-4

On Tuesday, January 31^st, 2012 I went in for a glucose test (to test for gestational diabetes) and an ultrasound.  I got my finger pricked for the baseline glucose reading, forced myself to drink the 10 ounces of very sugary liquid (with 50 grams of sugar in it), and sat in a waiting room for an hour while I waited to get blood drawn.  Sean met me there just before the ultrasound.  Heidi was our sonographer, and I had the privilege (ha) of having an “internal” ultrasound, instead of the external tummy (or “transabdominal”) ultrasound.  She took some measurements of my cervix and uterus, and even though it’s hard for us laypeople to distinguish anything on the grainy black-and-white screen, I didn’t see anything that resembled a baby, or even a yolk sac, something I had seen on one of Caleb’s early ultrasounds.  

We did see a dark area that turned out to be the gestational sac.  Heidi left the room, and brought in a radiologist, who told us there was in fact a gestational sac in me, but no baby.  He shared that fully 50% of pregnancies do not come to term—so it’s very common to have some sort of complication that means a “failed pregnancy,” and it’s really quite miraculous when a healthy baby does happen.  They were both really sympathetic, and offered the walk-in clinic at Evans Hospital as a resource to answer any questions we had.

At that point, I was in shock and didn’t really have questions.  Other than, what do you mean, no baby?  Why have I been so tired and nauseous and been “feeling” pregnant?  How did we get a positive pregnancy test result?  When did the baby stop developing, and why? What’s going to happen next? 

Apparently, the gestational sac (which is different from the placenta) can still form, even if there is a problem with the fertilized egg/embryo/fetus.  The gestational sac produces the hormone that shows up on a pregnancy test and causes pregnancy symptoms, thus giving a positive reading even though the baby may not develop properly in some cases.

THE CONFIRMATION

Great is our LORD, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.  Psalm 147:5

On Thursday, February 2^nd, I went to Evans Hospital, had another ultrasound, and met with a doctor, who confirmed the baby is no more.  The doctor gave me a handout describing “management” options, and for now we are going with the least invasive option: waiting.  My body should take care of things by itself in the next few weeks.

On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.


THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened.  Again.  But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal.  He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself.  It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God.  And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them.  We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going.  We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering.  We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope.  We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on. 

In these anguished moments lies a choice for me, for all of us: will I choose to believe the things about God that I say I believe?  When I have to live it out, do I really believe God is all-powerful and good?  Do I truly believe that He loves me and only allows those things into my life that can glorify Him and refine me?  We can (and are striving to) trust that God will use this for His inscrutable purposes in our lives, and possibly others’.  Nothing is without meaning because He is sovereign and good. 

At the same time, I believe it is acceptable to ask questions, to struggle with the lack of answers.  There are almost 200 questions throughout the Psalms, and even Jesus cried out, “Why?” on the Cross, though He knew His purpose all along in coming to the world.  Suffering does seem senseless to us, probably because we were created to exist in a perfect world where there was never death or disease or miscarriage or pain.  Death and suffering are not right.  They are never ideal or desirable.  Pain and sorrow are not easy to bear.  These things are present here on Earth, but only for a time.  What a comfort that is!

In the end, this disappointment doesn’t have to crush us.  Yes, it breaks our hearts.  I would never wish losing a child on anyone.  But we can rest on the Rock that doesn’t shift.  And we are poignantly aware now of the privilege it is to have Caleb in our lives and in our arms: a healthy, happy, growing little boy whom we love dearly and wouldn’t trade for anything.  I know I have been giving him extra hugs and kisses lately… hugs that he usually tries to squirm out of.  Hopefully someday he will realize how much we love him!

TO MY PREGNANT FRIENDS 

The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion…  Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.  Psalm 116:5, 7

I close with a note to all my pregnant friends: Please do not feel like you have to tip-toe around me.  I am so thrilled that you are having a baby, truly! It’s a beautiful miracle, and I can be excited for you even though I am also grieving.  Please keep telling me about the fun little details of your pregnancy, and don’t feel weird if I ask how you are feeling. I care about you and want to share the experience with you. My soul can be at rest because the Lord has been good to me.