One of the books I received for Christmas and have started reading is Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick.
I've only read the Introduction and the first chapter so far, but already I feel like I need to stop and digest what I've read, or work through a few things in my heart (that's something I love about Elyse Fitzpatrick's books-- so meaty and true).
Her premise is that the gospel should inform our daily life, even after we are saved; the gospel isn't just for getting people saved, but living saved. I agree with that premise wholeheartedly. I've even said things to that effect.
My problem? (Not with the book, but with my thinking.) I have trouble really believing that God loves me. I find it pretty easy to believe He loves "the world" and sent Jesus to die for our sins.... but actually feeling like He loves me? Much harder. For some reason, it's easier to think God loves "the world"-- the sum of humanity, everybody combined-- than to think he loves me, with my faults and sins and not-that-great-ness. I'm just average, not a supermodel or a superstar, not an expert at anything. I still often struggle with wanting to earn my salvation by being perfect, or at least exceptionally efficient, in everything I do. I think I need to prepare the healthiest meal plan, or keep the cleanest house, or raise perfect children, as if doing those things could somehow ingratiate me to God. I think I need to please the people around me by being agreeable and never hurting their feelings, being thoughtful and sweet and utterly untouchable.
The thing is, He made me. He knows me. He does love me. And not because of what I do, as if I could ever be good enough. (Um, I'm pretty sure the standard is perfection.) He loves me because He chooses to. He has given me His grace and saved me, just because He chose to. That's the definition of grace: a voluntary expression of mercy to someone who does nothing to earn it and does not deserve it.
I love it when God ties together truth from different contexts. For exactly two weeks, I have been attending Community Bible Study, a nondenominational organization that has written Bible studies that take place with mostly volunteer staff in various cities around the world. There's a group that meets at a church less than one mile from our house. We're going through the book of Hebrews, and last week's lesson was on "God's promised rest" from chapter four. In the homework we looked at the various "rests" God describes. One type of rest is resting in God's work on our behalf-- His work of saving us. (Note: not our work of saving ourselves!) The lesson tied in John 14 and 15 as well: God's promise of perfect peace; and His call to abide in Him.
That's liberating. It's also very hard for me to really, truly accept, for whatever reason. That's why I feel like I can't keep reading this book until I start to take hold of that truth: God loves ME, Marisa Beth Allen. He knows everything about me, and He loves me. He sees my insecurities, my sins, my heart. And He loves me.
He loves you too. Do you really believe it? Or do you still fall into the trap of trying to be good enough, trying to earn acceptance, trying to work for your salvation? You can rest in the finished work of Jesus. Won't you strive toward that end with me?
Many thanks to Sean, who played trains with Caleb while Chloe slept so I could write this!
Showing posts with label real life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label real life. Show all posts
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Monday, July 23, 2012
Why I walked away from Facebook
Well, I finally did it. I deactivated my Facebook account on July 17, 2012. Deactivating is not as permanent as deleting, but it is enough for me.
I needed to. I've known I needed to for some time now, but I didn't have the guts-- or the self-discipline?-- to do so. It was becoming almost addictive, the urge to check "just for a minute" and see what was new. I was starting to think in status-update format. I was becoming discontent, comparing my life to other people's. I was letting myself get distracted in the middle of tasks during weekends, so much so that Sean asked if I could refrain from hopping on Facebook at every little lull in our day. I was even feeling a little too exposed, self-inflicted of course, but exposed to the world in a way that is no longer appealing. In general, I don't really like being the center of attention, so why would I share with almost 500 people my random thoughts?? It just doesn't make sense any more.
Let me clarify a point: I don't think Facebook is evil, or always a waste of time. I love seeing pictures of my friends' kids and families; I love sharing about Caleb's activities; I love the ease and accessibility for staying in touch with people and even planning group events. What I don't love, however, is the waste of time it can become. It's a matter of "good, better, best" for me. At this point, I have decided that it is "better" to step away and remove at least one distraction from my life. There's still the big old Internet to wrestle with, but I'm okay with that (can't really get away from it, because it's so darn useful for looking up information in the phonebooks-all-but-obsolete era).
There are so many things I want to try, to learn, to do! I am starting to realize those things may never happen if I am squandering my life away, 15 minutes or an hour at a time, vegging on other people's updates. It adds up, and I am turning off the slow leak and tightening up the faucet to free up more time for other pursuits!
I want to learn to compost and start a garden. I want to read more, good brain-growing books about substantial topics, not just fiction (though that is enjoyable too). I want to sew more, maybe even to the point of it becoming a source of income. I want to write more, create more, plan ahead more. I want to learn how to make my own tortillas and pita bread and experiment with new foods. I want to be more focused, more efficient, and really work hard when I'm working.... as well as play hard when it's time to play, instead of sneaking in (guiltily) my reading of blogs or Web-surfing as a procrastination when I am supposed to be working.
After we move, I plan on working through Tsh Oxenreider's book, One Bite at a Time: 52 Projects for Making Life Simpler. Sean and I already do some of the projects, like make a monthly budget (#28), use the envelope system [taking out cash for variable expenses like food, haircuts, etc.] (#48), plan your menus (#5), cook staples from scratch (#26), and make a debt-free plan (#2). But there are many I'd like to incorporate into our lives, like.... create a family tradition (#46), eat locally (#43), streamline your mail [a big frustration for me!!] (#8), plan weekly meetings with your spouse (#13), and schedule regular date nights [something we are really bad at] (#16). I think it will be fun to document our progress over the coming months. I don't know yet if I will try to put a time deadline on myself. I'm certainly not going to try for completing one project a week-- some may take longer than a week, some shorter, but I want it to remain fun and motivating, not a depressing chore to slog through the entire list on some self-imposed timetable where I get discouraged if I can't keep up. I also plan on switching things up and NOT going in order! Hopefully my Type A-ness can handle that. :) I know that life happens; things come at us that we didn't anticipate and we have to compensate. Even things you know are coming can throw you for a loop, i.e. new baby. :) But I also know that hard things are often the most rewarding.
I think I'm getting better at focusing already! I refrained from checking my e-mail during the entirety of the creation of this post, even though I could see the (1) on my e-mail tab beckoning to me, Read me!!! Open me!!! Life will not be complete until you have no new messages!
Um, not true. That's another thing I'm going to work on at some point... Project #27: streamline your e-mail. No need to check it 20 times a day. That too can feel almost like an addiction. When I start this particular project, I'm going to try twice a day, so I really "have time" to answer things instead of just reading them and not responding.
I will keep you posted! Look forward to more blog posts in the future-- my minimum goal is a monthly synopsis of our family's adventures, but I'm pretty sure I will be posting more frequently, now that I will have more time at my disposal. It's so liberating already!!
Talk soon. :)
M
I needed to. I've known I needed to for some time now, but I didn't have the guts-- or the self-discipline?-- to do so. It was becoming almost addictive, the urge to check "just for a minute" and see what was new. I was starting to think in status-update format. I was becoming discontent, comparing my life to other people's. I was letting myself get distracted in the middle of tasks during weekends, so much so that Sean asked if I could refrain from hopping on Facebook at every little lull in our day. I was even feeling a little too exposed, self-inflicted of course, but exposed to the world in a way that is no longer appealing. In general, I don't really like being the center of attention, so why would I share with almost 500 people my random thoughts?? It just doesn't make sense any more.
Let me clarify a point: I don't think Facebook is evil, or always a waste of time. I love seeing pictures of my friends' kids and families; I love sharing about Caleb's activities; I love the ease and accessibility for staying in touch with people and even planning group events. What I don't love, however, is the waste of time it can become. It's a matter of "good, better, best" for me. At this point, I have decided that it is "better" to step away and remove at least one distraction from my life. There's still the big old Internet to wrestle with, but I'm okay with that (can't really get away from it, because it's so darn useful for looking up information in the phonebooks-all-but-obsolete era).
There are so many things I want to try, to learn, to do! I am starting to realize those things may never happen if I am squandering my life away, 15 minutes or an hour at a time, vegging on other people's updates. It adds up, and I am turning off the slow leak and tightening up the faucet to free up more time for other pursuits!
I want to learn to compost and start a garden. I want to read more, good brain-growing books about substantial topics, not just fiction (though that is enjoyable too). I want to sew more, maybe even to the point of it becoming a source of income. I want to write more, create more, plan ahead more. I want to learn how to make my own tortillas and pita bread and experiment with new foods. I want to be more focused, more efficient, and really work hard when I'm working.... as well as play hard when it's time to play, instead of sneaking in (guiltily) my reading of blogs or Web-surfing as a procrastination when I am supposed to be working.
After we move, I plan on working through Tsh Oxenreider's book, One Bite at a Time: 52 Projects for Making Life Simpler. Sean and I already do some of the projects, like make a monthly budget (#28), use the envelope system [taking out cash for variable expenses like food, haircuts, etc.] (#48), plan your menus (#5), cook staples from scratch (#26), and make a debt-free plan (#2). But there are many I'd like to incorporate into our lives, like.... create a family tradition (#46), eat locally (#43), streamline your mail [a big frustration for me!!] (#8), plan weekly meetings with your spouse (#13), and schedule regular date nights [something we are really bad at] (#16). I think it will be fun to document our progress over the coming months. I don't know yet if I will try to put a time deadline on myself. I'm certainly not going to try for completing one project a week-- some may take longer than a week, some shorter, but I want it to remain fun and motivating, not a depressing chore to slog through the entire list on some self-imposed timetable where I get discouraged if I can't keep up. I also plan on switching things up and NOT going in order! Hopefully my Type A-ness can handle that. :) I know that life happens; things come at us that we didn't anticipate and we have to compensate. Even things you know are coming can throw you for a loop, i.e. new baby. :) But I also know that hard things are often the most rewarding.
I think I'm getting better at focusing already! I refrained from checking my e-mail during the entirety of the creation of this post, even though I could see the (1) on my e-mail tab beckoning to me, Read me!!! Open me!!! Life will not be complete until you have no new messages!
Um, not true. That's another thing I'm going to work on at some point... Project #27: streamline your e-mail. No need to check it 20 times a day. That too can feel almost like an addiction. When I start this particular project, I'm going to try twice a day, so I really "have time" to answer things instead of just reading them and not responding.
I will keep you posted! Look forward to more blog posts in the future-- my minimum goal is a monthly synopsis of our family's adventures, but I'm pretty sure I will be posting more frequently, now that I will have more time at my disposal. It's so liberating already!!
Talk soon. :)
M
Friday, July 20, 2012
Baby journal-- April/June 2012
Since we didn't share our news for the longest time, here is a weekly recap. :) I wrote a little bit each week as it happened, so it would be in-the-moment fresh.
Easter Sunday:
Expected period did not arrive. I'm a little incredulous and hesitant-- maybe it's just a day or two late. We weren't trying!! In fact I wanted to NOT try to conceive! Once it was a week late, I figured I must be pregnant. Nausea pretty much confirmed it. Still no period at about five weeks from LMP.
6 weeks (4/18):
Still in denial! Haven't taken a test yet, because then I might fret more. That strategy seems to be working-- I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. Seems very surreal.
7 weeks (4/28):
Well, I'm about 7 1/2 weeks along, and feeling pretty nauseous pretty regularly. I've only thrown up twice so far, though!
Predominant thought: I don't want to go through this again!!
Having had two miscarriages definitely impacts my perspective. This time around, I am trying to shift my thinking from, "Man, this stinks, feeling bad all the time," to "Thank you, God, for the opportunity to carry this life for one more day." There is no guarantee for tomorrow, even if you've never had a miscarriage, even if you give birth to a perfectly healthy baby (or babies)-- something could happen at any time, to any of us. God has numbered every person's days, and He is all-powerful and completely wise and good. He knows how many hairs are on our heads. We can trust Him with all the unknowns, trust Him with the future that He has already planned out. He has already arrived there! (Not sure how theologically accurate that statement is, since He transcends time... but the intent is that there is no time or place where He is not.) We don't have to fret over what might happen, because He is present there, overseeing it all with His tender gaze. Wow, what a thought.
Only a few weeks until my first OB appointment (they like to schedule the first visit for between 10-12 weeks), and then a few more weeks until we will be past the first trimester, which should mean everything will be okay. Again, there are no guarantees and I am trying to guard my expectations.
After all, I know now that you can feel pregnant-- nausea, growing tummy, fatigue-- even when the baby is no longer healthy. I know now to wait to announce the good news publicly until after at least the first ultrasound. I know now that God's ways are not my ways. I know now that He still loves me and loves each and every little one conceived in every womb. I know now that He brings comfort in anguish and grief and loss.
My mind is full of questions about this pregnancy, but I am choosing to not obsess over them, because they are impossible questions. Is it God's will for us to keep this baby? Will we be able to meet this little one this side of Heaven? Why did He choose for me to get pregnant now, when I wanted to wait before trying again? (That one is more easily deciphered-- perhaps He wants to grow my trust in Him and force me to let go of my fears of losing another baby.) What about foster care? We thought that was God's plan for us for now, after the last miscarriage in February. We were obedient to pursue it, even though we were pregnant, then the miscarriage happened and it seemed to make sense. The Dept. of Human Services won't even certify pregnant couples for full-time foster care. Because God is knitting a baby in me now, not due to our "trying to conceive," why would He potentially let it die? Will He let it die? I know I can't use my own logic to figure out God's purposes. It could drive me crazy trying to make sense of this.
I have to come back to the thoughts in the paragraph above: He is all-powerful and completely wise and good... He is present everywhere, overseeing it all with His tender gaze.
I don't have a lot of answers, just faith; and some time to endure before it will become more clear. Until then, I thank God for each day, and thank Him for the little things.
8 weeks (5/2):
It's hard to believe you can be more than halfway through the first trimester and still not sure if you should get excited. My first appointment will be on May 10th (eight days!), but that's just a paperwork appointment, no ultrasound. I think at that appointment I can schedule my first ultrasound (do you have any openings for "ASAP"?). Each day there is no bleeding, I take that as a good sign. Not a guarantee, but one of the few outwardly-observable measures of how a pregnancy's doing. Still feeling nauseous and exhausted, so that is good. With the first miscarriage, I suddenly felt normal one day, and started miscarrying shortly after. I know I am more easily irritated at Caleb's childishness than I would otherwise be, from sheer fatigue. I have gotten pretty annoyed at how often he has dropped heavy things on my toes the last few days! He's not being malicious, he just brings me a board book or a truck, and can't keep his grip on it.
Right now I'm using precious nap time to write instead of rest! ... I have a short attention span, so I just checked Google Reader and looked at some blogs, taking a break from writing one. Geez, how do I ever get anything done? One thing I want to change in my habits is spending the first hour of Caleb's nap surfing the Web, mostly a waste of time. Today I did look up "how to braid challah" and found a video, which took about 10 minutes total... The rest was not super profitable. Browsing "news" on Yahoo is not what I consider profitable, yet I keep doing it because I must enjoy the opportunity to veg and not think about anything important. I really need to be more disciplined. :)
One other thought that's been weighing on my mind recently: the further along you are, the more traumatic a "pregnancy loss"-- both physically and emotionally. ER visits are not convenient. Major cramping is quite painful. Losing a child, even from the womb, is devastating. Yet God is holy and perfect and all-powerful and good. We can know that whatever He allows is for a purpose-- and we can know that the suffering now, in the waiting, is for a purpose. Maybe I am just weak, but I consider waiting a form of trial. Surely not as severe as other types of suffering, but still a taste of it. Waiting is hard for us (me?). I wonder how many times the Word exhorts us to wait. Wait for what? Wait on the Lord.
9 weeks (5/9):
Well, my OB appointment has now been cancelled and rescheduled twice, with a current date of next Tuesday, May 15th. I really was doing okay with the waiting! I felt almost completely peaceful about it. Then to get a call the morning of my 3 p.m. appointment (May 10th) with the news that my provider was sick; big bummer but "okay, I can take this in stride." I decided to take the gamble of rescheduling for the next day at 8 a.m., even though she might still be sick. Well, the next day I dropped off Caleb with Christina at 7:30 a.m. (a big feat to get out the door that early, I think, even though I had told her I'd be there at 7:15-- this pregnant lady does not like to get moving before, say, 9 a.m., especially with nausea, fatigue, and a sick-and-needing-attention hubby still in bed at home today...) and headed to the clinic 20 minutes away. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail. Please let it be Sean. It was Melanie at the clinic, very apologetic that she had just found out when she arrived for the day that this nurse is still out... and she's the only person at this particular clinic who does intake appointments (what they call the preliminary paperwork appointment). She tried, but wasn't able to reach anyone at Evans, the Army hospital at the far south end of town, the only other military OB option, to see if they had any openings that day. Welp, at least I can pick up the paperwork packet and not have to come early next time. I did, and rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday-- by then I will be almost 10 weeks along. Just four more days to wait. It could either be no sweat, or very challenging! I figure, God saw that I was exercising some trust in Him, so he upped the ante so I could grow even more. A few more reps, at a higher weight, builds more muscle, right?
Speaking of weights... I was reading a pregnancy book recently and was struck with the urgency of working out more--okay, at all-- by phrases like "bounce back," "smoother labor and delivery," and "toned muscles." Just like with Caleb, this first trimester I have struggled with intense fatigue, often crashing right after dinner, and taking a nap or a rest every day during his naptime. But, with the looming fright of a potentially-difficult L and D, I mustered up the energy to go for a 30-minute walk yesterday (5/10). It was absolutely gorgeous outside-- 80 degrees, sunny, puffy clouds, green grass, whispering trees. It was great, and I didn't feel too worn out afterward, either. I did take a killer nap when we got back, but hey, maybe being a little more active will help me sleep better. (I've been having really weird dreams lately! And hip pain. And heartburn.) I already feel better about my decision to start exercising more consistently, knowing that 1) I will gain weight at a safer rate if I am exercising, 2) toned muscles help improve your posture, especially with all the weird things that are going on inside you, and 3) it prepares your body for the stamina it will need to deliver that baby! I don't have a Y membership for nothing! In fact, I plan to go for a walk when Caleb wakes up.
That's the physical status report... emotionally, I know I am out of whack because I cried at a "military spouse appreciation day" e-mail.
10 weeks (5/16):
Well, my OB appointment happened!!! I was able to meet with the nurse who was sick last week, and she felt so bad about having to cancel that she managed to grovel with the sonographer lady and squeeze me in for a little ultrasound! This is what I had the privilege of seeing:
A healthy, living baby with two little arms and two little legs-- and the cutest feet! His/her heartbeat was 179, healthy and good, right in the normal range. I must admit I was pretty surprised to see a healthy baby inside me. I was all but ready for the sonographer to say, "There's nothing in there."
But God was gracious in more ways than one! I wasn't expecting an ultrasound at that appointment. In fact, I have a longer 50-minute appointment now scheduled for May 21st where they do lots of lovely stuff involved with an "OB physical" (including something that rhymes with map beer, hate those). So not only do we have a healthy wee one, we got to see it! Well, I got to see it. Sean was at work. God could have made me wait until the 21st, and that would have been okay. But the wait was mercifully shortened, and I can even be thankful for the initial cancellations since they might have had a tiny part in my nurse's sympathy.
11 weeks (5/23)
I worked out with my friend Christina today at the YMCA-- about an hour of weights, woo hoo! I have been easily light-headed lately, especially when I don't drink enough water. It felt good to strength train! We (Sean and Cameron and I) did a 10k last Saturday! I felt very tired most of the way, but didn't push myself too hard. I had only run a couple times in the several weeks prior to the race. When I felt tired or out of breath, I walked. The first four miles were uphill, so I figured it would have been a challenge even if I weren't pregnant. They guys were super-awesome studs and stayed with me for most of it. I had them go on ahead when I had to walk after the first 20+ minutes, then when they reached the turn-around point and were heading down while I was still heading up, they stayed with me for the rest of the race. It was a lot of fun!! We got to talk and joke and hang out. We went to Panera afterward for something hot, since it had rained and hailed shortly after we finished the race! We got a little wet running to our cars. God was very gracious to cause the rain to hold off until after we were finished!
I was very happy to realize recently that I have not been nauseous much at all lately!! Just very, very, very tired. Naps are essential! When I don't lie down during Caleb's nap, I seem to barely make it through dinner and have trouble getting up from the couch. All I want to do is sit and do nothing. But we are so thankful there is a healthy baby inside me!! It is hard to believe. I can't wait to start feeling kicks. It's also hard to believe there are only two more weeks left in the first trimester! We are looking forward to telling friends and extended family. Still haven't reached Sean's brother and sister-in-law in Italy!
12 weeks (5/30)
Well, we have made it to this milestone, where supposedly the risk of miscarriage goes WAY down. That is pretty exciting! And still surreal to me. Anything can still happen, I know, and I also know that God is completely in control. But I am thankful for today. Each day that nothing happens is a good day. A small part of me still isn't ready to get totally behind the idea of being pregnant-- which is weird, putting it that way. It doesn't matter if I "get behind the idea," because it is a reality whether I believe it or not! I wonder when I will stop wondering. Maybe never. Maybe once you have something bad happen, you are more aware of the everyday possibilities. We shouldn't let fear paralyze us or steal our joy, but it does sober you to realize that really painful, really hard things can and do happen in our lives, or our friends' or family members' lives. I do want to enjoy and appreciate each day, each moment, as much as I can. We shouldn't assume we can control our circumstances or other people.
I guess I just have to assume everything is okay unless 1) one of those miscarriage "signs" shows up, at which point I call the doctor and/or go to an ER, and until 2) my 20-week ultrasound, only about 8 weeks away (which is also the gender-revealing ultrasound, WOW).
I am also wondering if the second-trimester energy has hit early! We went camping last weekend over Memorial Day, and though I was tired during the trip and a few days after we got back, today I have been cleaning and putting things away and folding and washing and baking all day long, and am still feeling good at 3 pm! I think I will lie down at least for a little while, before Caleb wakes up, just to make sure I have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon and evening.
13 weeks (6/6):
My jeans are starting to get uncomfortably tight! That's a good sign, I think... even though it means I will soon enter the no-(wo)man's land of "none of my clothes fit right." Maternity clothes are still too big; regular clothes are too small. Oh well. Definitely not going to complain about making it this far! I still think about it as "making it to __ weeks." I bought some gummy prenatal vitamins, which is the best invention EVER! Who ever thought a nauseous pregnant lady could stomach a huge horse pill that makes you more nauseous after you take it? They are humongous. So I wasn't very good about making myself take them, hoping that a healthy diet would be enough (I think I took a total of 3 during the first trimester). Now I can still eat healthy AND get some vitamin reinforcements. Bought Caleb some gummy bear vitamins too... and I keep catching Sean eating them like candy.
14-15 weeks (6/25):
I'm just now starting to maybe look a little bit pregnant. But not to the point where anyone would say something-- anyone with good manners, at least! I'm looking forward to my 16-week appointment, where I will hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler device and talk to the midwife. I've gained about 4 pounds total so far, right on track. I've been working out somewhat consistently (2-3 times a week), but do have trouble with lightheadedness when I do weights. I just drink lots of water and take lots of breaks. Christina and her husband Wes are in the process of adopting a baby boy, so she won't be able to be my Y partner anymore. Sad for me, amazingly awesome for them. Little Josiah was born on June 20th and I am so happy for them!!!!
Present
Well... I'm now at almost 19 weeks and feeling pretty normal, just tired a lot. I think the pregnancy symptoms are less shocking, having done this before. I'm not surprised when they show up, and they have been pretty mild so far. I've been feeling kicks the last few weeks, and they are getting more frequent. Sean has yet to feel them from the outside, sadly. Soon! My 16-week appointment went really well. Caleb and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat (in the 160's, normal and good), and my provider even let Caleb "try." He was lifting his shirt and saying, "belly? belly?" so she put the Doppler device over his heart and we heard his heartbeat! I'm always grateful when people are kind to my son. :)
I have one more regular check-up before our PCS... and dun duh duh... THE ultrasound where we find out the baby's sex will be on July 26th!!! That happens to be one of the days we will have packers at our house... but that was the only available appointment until mid-August, so I took it. Hopefully we can find someone to watch our house (and Caleb!) for a couple hours while we go to the appointment at Evans an hour away. Super exciting. I think less and less about something bad happening to the baby. It still doesn't seem real that we will have another child in our lives soon. Maybe after the ultrasound when we know whether it'll be a boy or a girl it will sink in. I catch myself saying, "after the baby's born..." just like "after we move..." but neither of those seem real yet. Probably some time after they happen it will finally register.
Easter Sunday:
Expected period did not arrive. I'm a little incredulous and hesitant-- maybe it's just a day or two late. We weren't trying!! In fact I wanted to NOT try to conceive! Once it was a week late, I figured I must be pregnant. Nausea pretty much confirmed it. Still no period at about five weeks from LMP.
6 weeks (4/18):
Still in denial! Haven't taken a test yet, because then I might fret more. That strategy seems to be working-- I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. Seems very surreal.
7 weeks (4/28):
Well, I'm about 7 1/2 weeks along, and feeling pretty nauseous pretty regularly. I've only thrown up twice so far, though!
Predominant thought: I don't want to go through this again!!
Having had two miscarriages definitely impacts my perspective. This time around, I am trying to shift my thinking from, "Man, this stinks, feeling bad all the time," to "Thank you, God, for the opportunity to carry this life for one more day." There is no guarantee for tomorrow, even if you've never had a miscarriage, even if you give birth to a perfectly healthy baby (or babies)-- something could happen at any time, to any of us. God has numbered every person's days, and He is all-powerful and completely wise and good. He knows how many hairs are on our heads. We can trust Him with all the unknowns, trust Him with the future that He has already planned out. He has already arrived there! (Not sure how theologically accurate that statement is, since He transcends time... but the intent is that there is no time or place where He is not.) We don't have to fret over what might happen, because He is present there, overseeing it all with His tender gaze. Wow, what a thought.
Only a few weeks until my first OB appointment (they like to schedule the first visit for between 10-12 weeks), and then a few more weeks until we will be past the first trimester, which should mean everything will be okay. Again, there are no guarantees and I am trying to guard my expectations.
After all, I know now that you can feel pregnant-- nausea, growing tummy, fatigue-- even when the baby is no longer healthy. I know now to wait to announce the good news publicly until after at least the first ultrasound. I know now that God's ways are not my ways. I know now that He still loves me and loves each and every little one conceived in every womb. I know now that He brings comfort in anguish and grief and loss.
My mind is full of questions about this pregnancy, but I am choosing to not obsess over them, because they are impossible questions. Is it God's will for us to keep this baby? Will we be able to meet this little one this side of Heaven? Why did He choose for me to get pregnant now, when I wanted to wait before trying again? (That one is more easily deciphered-- perhaps He wants to grow my trust in Him and force me to let go of my fears of losing another baby.) What about foster care? We thought that was God's plan for us for now, after the last miscarriage in February. We were obedient to pursue it, even though we were pregnant, then the miscarriage happened and it seemed to make sense. The Dept. of Human Services won't even certify pregnant couples for full-time foster care. Because God is knitting a baby in me now, not due to our "trying to conceive," why would He potentially let it die? Will He let it die? I know I can't use my own logic to figure out God's purposes. It could drive me crazy trying to make sense of this.
I have to come back to the thoughts in the paragraph above: He is all-powerful and completely wise and good... He is present everywhere, overseeing it all with His tender gaze.
I don't have a lot of answers, just faith; and some time to endure before it will become more clear. Until then, I thank God for each day, and thank Him for the little things.
8 weeks (5/2):
It's hard to believe you can be more than halfway through the first trimester and still not sure if you should get excited. My first appointment will be on May 10th (eight days!), but that's just a paperwork appointment, no ultrasound. I think at that appointment I can schedule my first ultrasound (do you have any openings for "ASAP"?). Each day there is no bleeding, I take that as a good sign. Not a guarantee, but one of the few outwardly-observable measures of how a pregnancy's doing. Still feeling nauseous and exhausted, so that is good. With the first miscarriage, I suddenly felt normal one day, and started miscarrying shortly after. I know I am more easily irritated at Caleb's childishness than I would otherwise be, from sheer fatigue. I have gotten pretty annoyed at how often he has dropped heavy things on my toes the last few days! He's not being malicious, he just brings me a board book or a truck, and can't keep his grip on it.
Right now I'm using precious nap time to write instead of rest! ... I have a short attention span, so I just checked Google Reader and looked at some blogs, taking a break from writing one. Geez, how do I ever get anything done? One thing I want to change in my habits is spending the first hour of Caleb's nap surfing the Web, mostly a waste of time. Today I did look up "how to braid challah" and found a video, which took about 10 minutes total... The rest was not super profitable. Browsing "news" on Yahoo is not what I consider profitable, yet I keep doing it because I must enjoy the opportunity to veg and not think about anything important. I really need to be more disciplined. :)
One other thought that's been weighing on my mind recently: the further along you are, the more traumatic a "pregnancy loss"-- both physically and emotionally. ER visits are not convenient. Major cramping is quite painful. Losing a child, even from the womb, is devastating. Yet God is holy and perfect and all-powerful and good. We can know that whatever He allows is for a purpose-- and we can know that the suffering now, in the waiting, is for a purpose. Maybe I am just weak, but I consider waiting a form of trial. Surely not as severe as other types of suffering, but still a taste of it. Waiting is hard for us (me?). I wonder how many times the Word exhorts us to wait. Wait for what? Wait on the Lord.
9 weeks (5/9):
Well, my OB appointment has now been cancelled and rescheduled twice, with a current date of next Tuesday, May 15th. I really was doing okay with the waiting! I felt almost completely peaceful about it. Then to get a call the morning of my 3 p.m. appointment (May 10th) with the news that my provider was sick; big bummer but "okay, I can take this in stride." I decided to take the gamble of rescheduling for the next day at 8 a.m., even though she might still be sick. Well, the next day I dropped off Caleb with Christina at 7:30 a.m. (a big feat to get out the door that early, I think, even though I had told her I'd be there at 7:15-- this pregnant lady does not like to get moving before, say, 9 a.m., especially with nausea, fatigue, and a sick-and-needing-attention hubby still in bed at home today...) and headed to the clinic 20 minutes away. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail. Please let it be Sean. It was Melanie at the clinic, very apologetic that she had just found out when she arrived for the day that this nurse is still out... and she's the only person at this particular clinic who does intake appointments (what they call the preliminary paperwork appointment). She tried, but wasn't able to reach anyone at Evans, the Army hospital at the far south end of town, the only other military OB option, to see if they had any openings that day. Welp, at least I can pick up the paperwork packet and not have to come early next time. I did, and rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday-- by then I will be almost 10 weeks along. Just four more days to wait. It could either be no sweat, or very challenging! I figure, God saw that I was exercising some trust in Him, so he upped the ante so I could grow even more. A few more reps, at a higher weight, builds more muscle, right?
Speaking of weights... I was reading a pregnancy book recently and was struck with the urgency of working out more--okay, at all-- by phrases like "bounce back," "smoother labor and delivery," and "toned muscles." Just like with Caleb, this first trimester I have struggled with intense fatigue, often crashing right after dinner, and taking a nap or a rest every day during his naptime. But, with the looming fright of a potentially-difficult L and D, I mustered up the energy to go for a 30-minute walk yesterday (5/10). It was absolutely gorgeous outside-- 80 degrees, sunny, puffy clouds, green grass, whispering trees. It was great, and I didn't feel too worn out afterward, either. I did take a killer nap when we got back, but hey, maybe being a little more active will help me sleep better. (I've been having really weird dreams lately! And hip pain. And heartburn.) I already feel better about my decision to start exercising more consistently, knowing that 1) I will gain weight at a safer rate if I am exercising, 2) toned muscles help improve your posture, especially with all the weird things that are going on inside you, and 3) it prepares your body for the stamina it will need to deliver that baby! I don't have a Y membership for nothing! In fact, I plan to go for a walk when Caleb wakes up.
That's the physical status report... emotionally, I know I am out of whack because I cried at a "military spouse appreciation day" e-mail.
10 weeks (5/16):
Well, my OB appointment happened!!! I was able to meet with the nurse who was sick last week, and she felt so bad about having to cancel that she managed to grovel with the sonographer lady and squeeze me in for a little ultrasound! This is what I had the privilege of seeing:
A healthy, living baby with two little arms and two little legs-- and the cutest feet! His/her heartbeat was 179, healthy and good, right in the normal range. I must admit I was pretty surprised to see a healthy baby inside me. I was all but ready for the sonographer to say, "There's nothing in there."
But God was gracious in more ways than one! I wasn't expecting an ultrasound at that appointment. In fact, I have a longer 50-minute appointment now scheduled for May 21st where they do lots of lovely stuff involved with an "OB physical" (including something that rhymes with map beer, hate those). So not only do we have a healthy wee one, we got to see it! Well, I got to see it. Sean was at work. God could have made me wait until the 21st, and that would have been okay. But the wait was mercifully shortened, and I can even be thankful for the initial cancellations since they might have had a tiny part in my nurse's sympathy.
11 weeks (5/23)
I worked out with my friend Christina today at the YMCA-- about an hour of weights, woo hoo! I have been easily light-headed lately, especially when I don't drink enough water. It felt good to strength train! We (Sean and Cameron and I) did a 10k last Saturday! I felt very tired most of the way, but didn't push myself too hard. I had only run a couple times in the several weeks prior to the race. When I felt tired or out of breath, I walked. The first four miles were uphill, so I figured it would have been a challenge even if I weren't pregnant. They guys were super-awesome studs and stayed with me for most of it. I had them go on ahead when I had to walk after the first 20+ minutes, then when they reached the turn-around point and were heading down while I was still heading up, they stayed with me for the rest of the race. It was a lot of fun!! We got to talk and joke and hang out. We went to Panera afterward for something hot, since it had rained and hailed shortly after we finished the race! We got a little wet running to our cars. God was very gracious to cause the rain to hold off until after we were finished!
I was very happy to realize recently that I have not been nauseous much at all lately!! Just very, very, very tired. Naps are essential! When I don't lie down during Caleb's nap, I seem to barely make it through dinner and have trouble getting up from the couch. All I want to do is sit and do nothing. But we are so thankful there is a healthy baby inside me!! It is hard to believe. I can't wait to start feeling kicks. It's also hard to believe there are only two more weeks left in the first trimester! We are looking forward to telling friends and extended family. Still haven't reached Sean's brother and sister-in-law in Italy!
12 weeks (5/30)
Well, we have made it to this milestone, where supposedly the risk of miscarriage goes WAY down. That is pretty exciting! And still surreal to me. Anything can still happen, I know, and I also know that God is completely in control. But I am thankful for today. Each day that nothing happens is a good day. A small part of me still isn't ready to get totally behind the idea of being pregnant-- which is weird, putting it that way. It doesn't matter if I "get behind the idea," because it is a reality whether I believe it or not! I wonder when I will stop wondering. Maybe never. Maybe once you have something bad happen, you are more aware of the everyday possibilities. We shouldn't let fear paralyze us or steal our joy, but it does sober you to realize that really painful, really hard things can and do happen in our lives, or our friends' or family members' lives. I do want to enjoy and appreciate each day, each moment, as much as I can. We shouldn't assume we can control our circumstances or other people.
I guess I just have to assume everything is okay unless 1) one of those miscarriage "signs" shows up, at which point I call the doctor and/or go to an ER, and until 2) my 20-week ultrasound, only about 8 weeks away (which is also the gender-revealing ultrasound, WOW).
I am also wondering if the second-trimester energy has hit early! We went camping last weekend over Memorial Day, and though I was tired during the trip and a few days after we got back, today I have been cleaning and putting things away and folding and washing and baking all day long, and am still feeling good at 3 pm! I think I will lie down at least for a little while, before Caleb wakes up, just to make sure I have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon and evening.
13 weeks (6/6):
My jeans are starting to get uncomfortably tight! That's a good sign, I think... even though it means I will soon enter the no-(wo)man's land of "none of my clothes fit right." Maternity clothes are still too big; regular clothes are too small. Oh well. Definitely not going to complain about making it this far! I still think about it as "making it to __ weeks." I bought some gummy prenatal vitamins, which is the best invention EVER! Who ever thought a nauseous pregnant lady could stomach a huge horse pill that makes you more nauseous after you take it? They are humongous. So I wasn't very good about making myself take them, hoping that a healthy diet would be enough (I think I took a total of 3 during the first trimester). Now I can still eat healthy AND get some vitamin reinforcements. Bought Caleb some gummy bear vitamins too... and I keep catching Sean eating them like candy.
14-15 weeks (6/25):
I'm just now starting to maybe look a little bit pregnant. But not to the point where anyone would say something-- anyone with good manners, at least! I'm looking forward to my 16-week appointment, where I will hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler device and talk to the midwife. I've gained about 4 pounds total so far, right on track. I've been working out somewhat consistently (2-3 times a week), but do have trouble with lightheadedness when I do weights. I just drink lots of water and take lots of breaks. Christina and her husband Wes are in the process of adopting a baby boy, so she won't be able to be my Y partner anymore. Sad for me, amazingly awesome for them. Little Josiah was born on June 20th and I am so happy for them!!!!
Present
Well... I'm now at almost 19 weeks and feeling pretty normal, just tired a lot. I think the pregnancy symptoms are less shocking, having done this before. I'm not surprised when they show up, and they have been pretty mild so far. I've been feeling kicks the last few weeks, and they are getting more frequent. Sean has yet to feel them from the outside, sadly. Soon! My 16-week appointment went really well. Caleb and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat (in the 160's, normal and good), and my provider even let Caleb "try." He was lifting his shirt and saying, "belly? belly?" so she put the Doppler device over his heart and we heard his heartbeat! I'm always grateful when people are kind to my son. :)
I have one more regular check-up before our PCS... and dun duh duh... THE ultrasound where we find out the baby's sex will be on July 26th!!! That happens to be one of the days we will have packers at our house... but that was the only available appointment until mid-August, so I took it. Hopefully we can find someone to watch our house (and Caleb!) for a couple hours while we go to the appointment at Evans an hour away. Super exciting. I think less and less about something bad happening to the baby. It still doesn't seem real that we will have another child in our lives soon. Maybe after the ultrasound when we know whether it'll be a boy or a girl it will sink in. I catch myself saying, "after the baby's born..." just like "after we move..." but neither of those seem real yet. Probably some time after they happen it will finally register.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
On grand entrances
Today was going to be the day. Projected high of 48 degrees, plenty warm outside. Energy, motivation, and free time were all mine. Today was the day I was going to start running again!
I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.
Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.
I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.
I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)
I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.
Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.
I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.
I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
In the grip of His grace
Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
All of the verses throughout this story are ones I have committed to memory in the last several months. At the time, I didn't know I would need them the way I do now. God has been bringing them to mind throughout each day, and they are such a comfort. Here’s the full story, starting last fall.
THE FIRST CHAPTER
For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Psalm 71:5
In October 2011, I had what is called an “early miscarriage.” We had taken a pregnancy test on October 11th, my birthday. We had been trying to get pregnant, so of course I took a test as soon as I thought was reasonable! Less than two weeks after we found out, I started to miscarry, at about 6 weeks gestation. It was a traumatic experience—I felt scared, upset, guilty, and so disappointed; I called Sean at work when it started, and he immediately came home; we spent the good portion of the day in various waiting rooms at Evans Army Hospital.
GRIEVING
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15
Over the next few months as I grieved (Sean grieved too, I’m just sharing the experience from mostly my perspective), I got teary-eyed whenever I would hear a baby cry. At playgroup, I had to leave the room when moms started talking about how far apart their children were, because I knew I was about to lose it. Two of our close friends (two couples, that is) announced they were pregnant, and again I went to another room to cry each time—very happy for them, but experiencing very raw pain as well.
Over those few months, I really experienced how solid God’s character is, and how much knowing Him deeply can help us survive painful experiences. I relied on Scripture that talked about God’s abounding love and faithfulness, His mercy and sovereignty. It was certainly a painful time, but it didn’t destroy me. I never sank into depression, for which I am thankful. I feel like I have healed from the raw pain of that loss, though it still surfaces at times, and have grieved over the child we will never know, never get to hug or bathe or even see. You grieve for lost opportunities, a lost future for your family, even if you never really knew your baby. At times I wondered if my grief was reasonable, since we had known for such a short time that we were even pregnant. (I decided it was.)
DO NOT WORRY
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
As soon as we got the doctor’s okay to try and conceive again, we did, and on December 22, 2011 we got another positive pregnancy test result. We were so happy, but I didn’t really let myself get excited. I struggled with worry and fear: what if something happens to this baby too? I felt the time would never pass until we could tell people, or let ourselves get excited about having a new baby. We decided to wait a long time before telling anyone, even our families, just in case something happened. It was very hard to wait several weeks, but we did. Once I reached 10 weeks, we thought that was a good point to tell people we were pregnant. After our experience in October, I had read as much as I could on miscarriage. I had read that after 10 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage goes way down—still with no guarantees, but the most precarious time in a fetus’ development has passed by that point. Over the course of a few days, we told our parents, our siblings, our Bible study group, my ladies’ Bible study, and our friends. Oh yeah, and we told the world by posting it on Facebook.
THE ULTRASOUND
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:3-4
On Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 I went in for a glucose test (to test for gestational diabetes) and an ultrasound. I got my finger pricked for the baseline glucose reading, forced myself to drink the 10 ounces of very sugary liquid (with 50 grams of sugar in it), and sat in a waiting room for an hour while I waited to get blood drawn. Sean met me there just before the ultrasound. Heidi was our sonographer, and I had the privilege (ha) of having an “internal” ultrasound, instead of the external tummy (or “transabdominal”) ultrasound. She took some measurements of my cervix and uterus, and even though it’s hard for us laypeople to distinguish anything on the grainy black-and-white screen, I didn’t see anything that resembled a baby, or even a yolk sac, something I had seen on one of Caleb’s early ultrasounds.
We did see a dark area that turned out to be the gestational sac. Heidi left the room, and brought in a radiologist, who told us there was in fact a gestational sac in me, but no baby. He shared that fully 50% of pregnancies do not come to term—so it’s very common to have some sort of complication that means a “failed pregnancy,” and it’s really quite miraculous when a healthy baby does happen. They were both really sympathetic, and offered the walk-in clinic at Evans Hospital as a resource to answer any questions we had.
At that point, I was in shock and didn’t really have questions. Other than, what do you mean, no baby? Why have I been so tired and nauseous and been “feeling” pregnant? How did we get a positive pregnancy test result? When did the baby stop developing, and why? What’s going to happen next?
Apparently, the gestational sac (which is different from the placenta) can still form, even if there is a problem with the fertilized egg/embryo/fetus. The gestational sac produces the hormone that shows up on a pregnancy test and causes pregnancy symptoms, thus giving a positive reading even though the baby may not develop properly in some cases.
THE CONFIRMATION
Great is our LORD, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Psalm 147:5
On Thursday, February 2nd, I went to Evans Hospital, had another ultrasound, and met with a doctor, who confirmed the baby is no more. The doctor gave me a handout describing “management” options, and for now we are going with the least invasive option: waiting. My body should take care of things by itself in the next few weeks.
On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.
THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened. Again. But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal. He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself. It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God. And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them. We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going. We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering. We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope. We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on.
On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.
THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened. Again. But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal. He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself. It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God. And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them. We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going. We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering. We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope. We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on.
In these anguished moments lies a choice for me, for all of us: will I choose to believe the things about God that I say I believe? When I have to live it out, do I really believe God is all-powerful and good? Do I truly believe that He loves me and only allows those things into my life that can glorify Him and refine me? We can (and are striving to) trust that God will use this for His inscrutable purposes in our lives, and possibly others’. Nothing is without meaning because He is sovereign and good.
At the same time, I believe it is acceptable to ask questions, to struggle with the lack of answers. There are almost 200 questions throughout the Psalms, and even Jesus cried out, “Why?” on the Cross, though He knew His purpose all along in coming to the world. Suffering does seem senseless to us, probably because we were created to exist in a perfect world where there was never death or disease or miscarriage or pain. Death and suffering are not right. They are never ideal or desirable. Pain and sorrow are not easy to bear. These things are present here on Earth, but only for a time. What a comfort that is!
In the end, this disappointment doesn’t have to crush us. Yes, it breaks our hearts. I would never wish losing a child on anyone. But we can rest on the Rock that doesn’t shift. And we are poignantly aware now of the privilege it is to have Caleb in our lives and in our arms: a healthy, happy, growing little boy whom we love dearly and wouldn’t trade for anything. I know I have been giving him extra hugs and kisses lately… hugs that he usually tries to squirm out of. Hopefully someday he will realize how much we love him!
TO MY PREGNANT FRIENDS
The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion… Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:5, 7
I close with a note to all my pregnant friends: Please do not feel like you have to tip-toe around me. I am so thrilled that you are having a baby, truly! It’s a beautiful miracle, and I can be excited for you even though I am also grieving. Please keep telling me about the fun little details of your pregnancy, and don’t feel weird if I ask how you are feeling. I care about you and want to share the experience with you. My soul can be at rest because the Lord has been good to me.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Boots and Bedtimes
Yesterday I cried over a pair of boots.
(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)
I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.
I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).
But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.
It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*
Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I amcheap frugal (ok, I'm actually cheap), but I do like quality items. Good quality boots are often $100+, real leather and all that jazz, you know. Well, I was at the mall a few weeks ago, not looking for boots at the time, but rather looking for an elevator to go upstairs with Caleb. We wandered into Sears because I thought there was one in the back of the store. Turns out it was an escalator, but since they frown upon hiking a stroller with a toddler in it up the moving steps, I decided to turn around and keep looking elsewhere in the mall for a way up. On our way out of Sears, I saw the shoe section! In the shoe section, I saw a wonderful pair of boots that were just about perfect! AND, to boot (haha), they were on clearance for $34.99! (About $36 and change with tax.) They didn't have my size, but the salesperson I talked to said they could order them on the computer, and they would be shipped to my home, for free! Awesome, let's do it! We did it, I paid for them, and happily went my way, even sent up a little, "Thank you, God" as I went. I got an e-mail the same day saying my order had been received. It may have been the next day that I got another e-mail saying they had shipped! Very exciting. A few days later, they arrived! We heard a doorbell (Sean was home at the time), and I thought, Hey, I bet those are my boots! Yay! That was fast! We opened up the box, and.... they didn't look right. They weren't right. There was a big gold zipper up the side, and it was a suedy brown and not a shiny smooth brown. For a moment I considered keeping them, if they fit, even though I didn't like them as well as the ones I ordered. But then I looked for the size. Seven and a half?! They're not even the right size! Ugh.
But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.
Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.
I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???
And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.
I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.
But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.
It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.
Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.
The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.
Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.
When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!
(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)
*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!
Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.
(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)
I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.
I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).
But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.
It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*
Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I am
But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.
Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.
I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???
And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.
I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.
But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.
It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.
Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.
The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.
Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.
When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!
(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)
*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!
Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Chicken Caesar Salad
I am so thankful for the access we have nowadays to recipes and cooking information online!! I had a hankering for chicken caesar salad one day, so I hopped online and browsed for a few minutes. In a short time I was able to come up with recipes for caesar dressing and homemade croutons! It was a pretty awesome meal. The homemade croutons were AMAZING! I ate... several... before they made it onto the salad.
Side note: Sean is an amazing help in the kitchen, and has even cooked entire meals with only verbal input from the couch where I'm feeding Caleb... but don't tell him he actually "cooked" or he'll deny it. :) Sean offered to help this particular evening, so I said he could cut up the chicken for the salad. I had baked a complete tray of 6 chicken breasts, with the intent of using 2 or 3 of them that night, and saving the rest for another meal. We had our friends Josh and Cam over at the time, I was feeding Caleb in the bedroom, Sean was chopping, then we all sat down to eat. Yum! A hearty meal, even though it was a salad, right? I noticed the chicken was cut bigger than I would have cut it, but that's okay, he offered to help and there's nothing wrong with big hunks of chicken in a salad. Different does not equal wrong, so I could move on from that observation... and cut my pieces before eating them. I looked over at the counter, to a lonely cutting board with only dribbles of juice and chicken "crumbs." -- Hey Sean, where's the rest of the chicken? -- Um, what chicken? You asked me to cut it up, right? -- (Ah ha! Here we come to a crucial epiphany: my intent to use only 2 breasts had remained in my mind, not verbalized to the chicken-chopper himself. He put all six breasts in the salad, hence its hearty appearance. There really was a lot of chicken in the salad, it didn't just look like a lot because it was big pieces. Mystery solved!) I couldn't be mad at him, for after all, he had no way of knowing my wishes, since I didn't share them. It took me a couple seconds, though, to let go of it.
As close as we are, we still can't read each other's minds! Go figure. :) We love being married and are so thankful God has orchestrated our paths the way He has... but this is also true: we are both sinners through and through! We do sometimes sin against each other, from selfishness or pride, despite the fact that we do love each other. Pretty refining environment. I am so thankful Sean is so patient with me. He listens to me as I try to figure out the inner workings of my heart, and has never once been unkind to me while I'm crying! He's really good at sympathizing, which I so appreciate! It's awesome to be in a relationship that shows you a little bit of God's love for you... especially when you know you can get upset over petty things like someone else putting "too much" chicken in the dinner salad. :)
Side note: Sean is an amazing help in the kitchen, and has even cooked entire meals with only verbal input from the couch where I'm feeding Caleb... but don't tell him he actually "cooked" or he'll deny it. :) Sean offered to help this particular evening, so I said he could cut up the chicken for the salad. I had baked a complete tray of 6 chicken breasts, with the intent of using 2 or 3 of them that night, and saving the rest for another meal. We had our friends Josh and Cam over at the time, I was feeding Caleb in the bedroom, Sean was chopping, then we all sat down to eat. Yum! A hearty meal, even though it was a salad, right? I noticed the chicken was cut bigger than I would have cut it, but that's okay, he offered to help and there's nothing wrong with big hunks of chicken in a salad. Different does not equal wrong, so I could move on from that observation... and cut my pieces before eating them. I looked over at the counter, to a lonely cutting board with only dribbles of juice and chicken "crumbs." -- Hey Sean, where's the rest of the chicken? -- Um, what chicken? You asked me to cut it up, right? -- (Ah ha! Here we come to a crucial epiphany: my intent to use only 2 breasts had remained in my mind, not verbalized to the chicken-chopper himself. He put all six breasts in the salad, hence its hearty appearance. There really was a lot of chicken in the salad, it didn't just look like a lot because it was big pieces. Mystery solved!) I couldn't be mad at him, for after all, he had no way of knowing my wishes, since I didn't share them. It took me a couple seconds, though, to let go of it.
As close as we are, we still can't read each other's minds! Go figure. :) We love being married and are so thankful God has orchestrated our paths the way He has... but this is also true: we are both sinners through and through! We do sometimes sin against each other, from selfishness or pride, despite the fact that we do love each other. Pretty refining environment. I am so thankful Sean is so patient with me. He listens to me as I try to figure out the inner workings of my heart, and has never once been unkind to me while I'm crying! He's really good at sympathizing, which I so appreciate! It's awesome to be in a relationship that shows you a little bit of God's love for you... especially when you know you can get upset over petty things like someone else putting "too much" chicken in the dinner salad. :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I'm back!
Hello! So... it's been awhile. :) I dropped blogging shortly before my sweet boy Caleb was born, but now feel that I have both the time and inclination to resume writing and posting, especially since he's been taking such good naps during the day! (much rejoicing...)
Life is really hard and really messy sometimes. God is really good and really strong all the time. That's a good way to sum up recent life, I think. I've decided to be real and actively include Sean's daughter Nalani on this blog. She's part of our life, and it feels fake and sanitized to be silent on that front. The situation provides a constant challenge to love someone who is antagonistic toward you (Nalani's mother), and to actively practice trusting God to be sovereign, wise, and loving, as we know He is. We had a wonderful visit with Nalani over Christmas, so I would like to post some pictures of our time with her. Stay tuned!
I've been working at getting over my aversion to running outside in the winter weather. California has spoiled me. :) So far, I've run five or six times with gloves, ear warmers, hoodie, underarmour long-sleeve shirt and pants. It's still kind of a weird feeling to run with so many clothes on, but it feels so good to get some heart-pumping exercise. (Last time I took off the gloves about 10 minutes into it.) We Skype with Nalani twice a week for about 15 minutes each, Thursdays and Sundays, so on Thursdays Sean gets to come home a little early from work. We've been trying to arrange it so I go for a run after we Skype while Sean watches Caleb, so that's at least twice a week we have a time slot for me to run! I can now handle temps in the 30's-- have tested that hypothesis! Temps in the 20's... haven't attempted yet. I read an article that claimed the burning-lung-and-throat feeling you get from the cold air goes away over time. Sounds fun, right? Sean and I plan to sign up for a St. Patrick's Day 5k in the Springs, as extra motivation. I can run for about 30 minutes straight now, but it's very s-l-o-w. Taking a year off from running means you gotta work back up to both rate and distance! I am thankful that I seem to have lost the baby weight (it's hard to tell sometimes with those winter "survival instinct" cravings that cause you to gain a protective layer of fat to survive the cold!).
I've also been trying new recipes! Soon to come, posts on:
Sweet Potato Ragout
Orange Barley Chicken
Homemade Cinnamon Rolls
Chicken Caesar Salad (w/ homemade dressing and homemade croutons!)
Thanks for listening. :) Until next time...
Life is really hard and really messy sometimes. God is really good and really strong all the time. That's a good way to sum up recent life, I think. I've decided to be real and actively include Sean's daughter Nalani on this blog. She's part of our life, and it feels fake and sanitized to be silent on that front. The situation provides a constant challenge to love someone who is antagonistic toward you (Nalani's mother), and to actively practice trusting God to be sovereign, wise, and loving, as we know He is. We had a wonderful visit with Nalani over Christmas, so I would like to post some pictures of our time with her. Stay tuned!
I've been working at getting over my aversion to running outside in the winter weather. California has spoiled me. :) So far, I've run five or six times with gloves, ear warmers, hoodie, underarmour long-sleeve shirt and pants. It's still kind of a weird feeling to run with so many clothes on, but it feels so good to get some heart-pumping exercise. (Last time I took off the gloves about 10 minutes into it.) We Skype with Nalani twice a week for about 15 minutes each, Thursdays and Sundays, so on Thursdays Sean gets to come home a little early from work. We've been trying to arrange it so I go for a run after we Skype while Sean watches Caleb, so that's at least twice a week we have a time slot for me to run! I can now handle temps in the 30's-- have tested that hypothesis! Temps in the 20's... haven't attempted yet. I read an article that claimed the burning-lung-and-throat feeling you get from the cold air goes away over time. Sounds fun, right? Sean and I plan to sign up for a St. Patrick's Day 5k in the Springs, as extra motivation. I can run for about 30 minutes straight now, but it's very s-l-o-w. Taking a year off from running means you gotta work back up to both rate and distance! I am thankful that I seem to have lost the baby weight (it's hard to tell sometimes with those winter "survival instinct" cravings that cause you to gain a protective layer of fat to survive the cold!).
I've also been trying new recipes! Soon to come, posts on:
Sweet Potato Ragout
Orange Barley Chicken
Homemade Cinnamon Rolls
Chicken Caesar Salad (w/ homemade dressing and homemade croutons!)
Thanks for listening. :) Until next time...
Friday, August 20, 2010
What would you do...
...if your husband, who normally gets home from work at 6:30 a.m., was not home when you woke up at 7 a.m.? And if your husband's cell phone was currently not working, so he didn't have it with him?
I decided to get up, make breakfast, do my normal Bible study workbook, and try not to worry. About every five minutes, I'd pray, God, please keep him safe.
I made breakfast, sat down to eat it, and looked at the clock. I attempted to journal some in my workbook, and looked at the clock. God, please keep him safe. He's probably fine. I did some dishes, then went and washed my face, trying to maintain a normal morning routine (and looked at the clock).
I debated about whether to call the ops floor to see if he was still at work.
I decided to wait until 9 a.m. to call, and in the meantime, rehearsed what I'd say: Hi, may I speak to the MC [guy in charge], please? Hi, sir, this is Marisa Allen. My husband, Lt Sean Allen, is teaching a mid-shift course in the Mod 5/6 sim, and he hasn't come home yet. Could you please see if anyone knows where he is? (I'd feel pretty sheepish making that call, which is most of the reason I was going to wait so long.)
I thought, maybe his car broke down somewhere along the way-- 14 miles of pretty-rustic roads, replete with cow fields, cracked asphalt, and not much traffic. The base is out in the boonies, but people do work there, so maybe someone will drive by. And he's got no cell phone, so he either has to wait for that someone to stop, or try and find a farm or somebody with a telephone.
I wondered if I should drive out along the route he normally takes and see if that was in fact the case: stranded husband ran out of gas halfway home.
I thought, maybe they locked down the portals (telephone-booth-like structures dividing the "restricted area" where he works from the rest of the base) and they're not letting anyone in or out. This happens somewhat often, delaying people for 30 or 45 minutes, or more.
I thought about calling my mom: um, Sean's not home yet. Do you think I should call the ops floor? Or can you pray for me? But it was pretty early in the morning and I didn't want to alarm her unnecessarily. Again, feeling sheepish.
I wondered how long it would take our extended circles of friends to find out about his untimely demise (assuming he'd been mugged, in a car accident, or whatever). Would they find out on Facebook? How awful. Where would we have the funeral? I know he doesn't want to have a military funeral. The squadron will suffer with losing another member-- we went to a memorial service for one of Sean's peers just last month, a suicide. At least I have a black maternity dress. I don't want to have this baby by myself!! I really don't want to be without him! I'll raise a fatherless child! Will someone marry me someday? How will I get through the grief? Should I stay in Colorado? Move back to California? Get a job? Sell the house, pay off the house? Who do I ask for help with those decisions, since Sean is my best friend and co-decision-maker?
By 8:30, I was tired of wandering around the house with my thoughts, unsettled. I had the cell phone in hand, literally about to call, when the front door opened and in walked my husband, in his flightsuit, backpack on, perfectly fine. He was a little surprised when I walked over, clung to him and burst into tears. I wouldn't say I was hysterical, but I was definitely shaken. I knew, even at that time, that I was probably over-reacting, and he'd have every reason to wonder why I was crying so hard. Good morning to you, too? I wasn't mad at him, just torn up at the thought of losing him. He held me and shushed me and was very patient. (Can I blame pregnancy hormones on this?)
Turns out, he had decided to take care of some paperwork after his shift ended, and it took awhile. But he was fine, and it hadn't occurred to him to call and let me know he was staying later-- didn't occur to him his wife would let her worries explode and rob her of peace as the minutes crept by. He was very apologetic, had no idea it would be so traumatic for me, and we've established that he'll try to call if his schedule changes, and I'll choose not to worry. :)
This whole incident is a great example of NOT trusting God, NOT taking captive my thoughts. I was trying to pray, kinda sorta, but still didn't "think on what is true." I wasn't exactly successful at banishing the scary thoughts I was having. Absolutely nothing bad happened, but I was antsy and tense, and I hated not knowing.
That's what faith is for: trusting something you can't see, choosing to believe it's sturdy enough to bear the burden of your trust. And that's our struggle, having an incomplete picture, always incomplete, with facts and insights missing, though we trust they are there. We trust there is someone bigger, wiser, more powerful than we are who is not only powerful, but good and perfect and capable of bringing about the absolute best outcome. "Best" doesn't mean the same thing to us as it does to God, because we wonder how suffering could ever be good, but we can know He will work all things for good.
Hopefully my little story is entertaining, but more importantly, I hope it's an encouragement to trust God. Even when we don't know the details. Especially when we don't know the details. 'Cause you know what? Even if something bad had happened to Sean, it would be okay. God would sustain me, and everyone else who would grieve. God could even bring good out of it, somehow, in that crazy way of His. We do have hope for the future, not only hope that we will see Sean again, but hope that there is life beyond this one! If we have hope in Christ, we have the certainty of being forgiven, of being accepted by God not on merit of our good deeds, but because the blood of Christ covers us. We don't have to pin all our happiness on an earthly life, nor should we. It's not about our efforts of being good, earning love, or pleasing people. It's not even about being married for a lifetime-- as much as I do want to have many, many years together with my sweet love. Even a lifetime is a limited quantity of time, versus eternity, which is, well, eternal.
Anyway, it's too late to remain coherent, so I will end here, for now. Hopefully next time something like this happens, I'll remember this whole episode and choose a different response when bombarded with irrational fears. :)
I decided to get up, make breakfast, do my normal Bible study workbook, and try not to worry. About every five minutes, I'd pray, God, please keep him safe.
I made breakfast, sat down to eat it, and looked at the clock. I attempted to journal some in my workbook, and looked at the clock. God, please keep him safe. He's probably fine. I did some dishes, then went and washed my face, trying to maintain a normal morning routine (and looked at the clock).
I debated about whether to call the ops floor to see if he was still at work.
I decided to wait until 9 a.m. to call, and in the meantime, rehearsed what I'd say: Hi, may I speak to the MC [guy in charge], please? Hi, sir, this is Marisa Allen. My husband, Lt Sean Allen, is teaching a mid-shift course in the Mod 5/6 sim, and he hasn't come home yet. Could you please see if anyone knows where he is? (I'd feel pretty sheepish making that call, which is most of the reason I was going to wait so long.)
I thought, maybe his car broke down somewhere along the way-- 14 miles of pretty-rustic roads, replete with cow fields, cracked asphalt, and not much traffic. The base is out in the boonies, but people do work there, so maybe someone will drive by. And he's got no cell phone, so he either has to wait for that someone to stop, or try and find a farm or somebody with a telephone.
I wondered if I should drive out along the route he normally takes and see if that was in fact the case: stranded husband ran out of gas halfway home.
I thought, maybe they locked down the portals (telephone-booth-like structures dividing the "restricted area" where he works from the rest of the base) and they're not letting anyone in or out. This happens somewhat often, delaying people for 30 or 45 minutes, or more.
I thought about calling my mom: um, Sean's not home yet. Do you think I should call the ops floor? Or can you pray for me? But it was pretty early in the morning and I didn't want to alarm her unnecessarily. Again, feeling sheepish.
I wondered how long it would take our extended circles of friends to find out about his untimely demise (assuming he'd been mugged, in a car accident, or whatever). Would they find out on Facebook? How awful. Where would we have the funeral? I know he doesn't want to have a military funeral. The squadron will suffer with losing another member-- we went to a memorial service for one of Sean's peers just last month, a suicide. At least I have a black maternity dress. I don't want to have this baby by myself!! I really don't want to be without him! I'll raise a fatherless child! Will someone marry me someday? How will I get through the grief? Should I stay in Colorado? Move back to California? Get a job? Sell the house, pay off the house? Who do I ask for help with those decisions, since Sean is my best friend and co-decision-maker?
By 8:30, I was tired of wandering around the house with my thoughts, unsettled. I had the cell phone in hand, literally about to call, when the front door opened and in walked my husband, in his flightsuit, backpack on, perfectly fine. He was a little surprised when I walked over, clung to him and burst into tears. I wouldn't say I was hysterical, but I was definitely shaken. I knew, even at that time, that I was probably over-reacting, and he'd have every reason to wonder why I was crying so hard. Good morning to you, too? I wasn't mad at him, just torn up at the thought of losing him. He held me and shushed me and was very patient. (Can I blame pregnancy hormones on this?)
Turns out, he had decided to take care of some paperwork after his shift ended, and it took awhile. But he was fine, and it hadn't occurred to him to call and let me know he was staying later-- didn't occur to him his wife would let her worries explode and rob her of peace as the minutes crept by. He was very apologetic, had no idea it would be so traumatic for me, and we've established that he'll try to call if his schedule changes, and I'll choose not to worry. :)
This whole incident is a great example of NOT trusting God, NOT taking captive my thoughts. I was trying to pray, kinda sorta, but still didn't "think on what is true." I wasn't exactly successful at banishing the scary thoughts I was having. Absolutely nothing bad happened, but I was antsy and tense, and I hated not knowing.
That's what faith is for: trusting something you can't see, choosing to believe it's sturdy enough to bear the burden of your trust. And that's our struggle, having an incomplete picture, always incomplete, with facts and insights missing, though we trust they are there. We trust there is someone bigger, wiser, more powerful than we are who is not only powerful, but good and perfect and capable of bringing about the absolute best outcome. "Best" doesn't mean the same thing to us as it does to God, because we wonder how suffering could ever be good, but we can know He will work all things for good.
Hopefully my little story is entertaining, but more importantly, I hope it's an encouragement to trust God. Even when we don't know the details. Especially when we don't know the details. 'Cause you know what? Even if something bad had happened to Sean, it would be okay. God would sustain me, and everyone else who would grieve. God could even bring good out of it, somehow, in that crazy way of His. We do have hope for the future, not only hope that we will see Sean again, but hope that there is life beyond this one! If we have hope in Christ, we have the certainty of being forgiven, of being accepted by God not on merit of our good deeds, but because the blood of Christ covers us. We don't have to pin all our happiness on an earthly life, nor should we. It's not about our efforts of being good, earning love, or pleasing people. It's not even about being married for a lifetime-- as much as I do want to have many, many years together with my sweet love. Even a lifetime is a limited quantity of time, versus eternity, which is, well, eternal.
Anyway, it's too late to remain coherent, so I will end here, for now. Hopefully next time something like this happens, I'll remember this whole episode and choose a different response when bombarded with irrational fears. :)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Assorted Ramblings
This week has been good so far! It honestly took me awhile to recover from our busy, busy week of camping, promotion, and garage sale, all back to back events. I've been going for walks a little more consistently-- three days in a row last week-- but that area could still use a little improvement. Sometime I want to take a camera with me to capture some of the amazing scenery and fascinating clouds that refresh me along the way (thank you, God!). You'll know if I ever do manage to take a camera; I'll likely post any particularly pretty shots I get!
Sean and I really enjoy "Home Depot dates," mostly window shopping, brain storming, and daydreaming about the possibilities for future home projects: anything from houseplants to wood floors and outdoor decks. We have yet to spend very much money there. It would be easy to spend all our spare time fixing up the house, but while we want to take good care of it, maybe even increase its curb appeal, we don't want it to consume our lives and leave us unavailable for other things, like PEOPLE! ...who aren't "things" at all. We know there is more to life than material things, though we can get genuine pleasure out of tangible objects... like the thrill of spying the first little green sprouts in your garden, watching plants grow and change before your very eyes as you water them and watch to make sure they get the proper amount of sun or shade. That's probably what being a parent will be like, only on a much grander scale: often stopping to stare in awe at what God makes and does. I believe it's perfectly acceptable (and good) to do those everyday things like cook a delicious meal or cultivate a garden or create a welcoming, comfortable environment in your home. God isn't against pleasure; He made the earth and earthly things for our enjoyment. The awesomest part is when we can recognize it's all from Him and because of Him and say thank you for those simple things as we enjoy them.
Sean and I had a really good talk today about parenting, and how do you know what is "age appropriate" to share with your child? Not only in the context of the "birds and the bees" talks, but other biblical concepts like submission and obedience and God's sovereignty. The world contains plentiful confusion, tantalizing counterfeits, and outright lies about what God has said. How do we explain "what makes a man a man and not a woman?" or "how can God have always existed, and not have a beginning or an end?" or "why do we have to obey God (and by extension, mom and dad)?" I can only imagine the kinds of questions we'll get. :) Kids are so inquisitive! And it's so crucial to give them the truth, so they can develop a solid foundation for right thinking as they mature and encounter distortions or perversions of truth. I've been studying I John lately and much of it (so far! I'm in chapter 2) deals with light and darkness, knowing truth (knowing God) and recognizing false teachers, having fellowship with God and not the world--- so many dichotomies, though they don't always appear so "black and white" to an undiscerning eye.
We feel a strong responsibility to not only clearly express God's truth to our children, but to live out our beliefs so that they will see Christ is our treasure. We want them to see there is more to life than living in a nice house or keeping your grass green. Life is about living for Someone other than ourselves. I often "forget" how real eternity is and focus on such paltry, fleeting things, like my feelings about a particular circumstance or my cravings for comfort or security or pleasure. But God's truth about life, both the temporal now and eternal forever-life, is the "truest truth" there is. What a big job, passing that on to little growing people. But along with the responsibility comes much grace (which we are already praying for) and wisdom, as we ask Him for it. I think of my parents and others I know and respect, and I realize that God can and does use sinners for His work, to accomplish His purposes in our lives and our children's. Convenient, since we are all sinners. :) I know my parents aren't perfect, yet they still taught me so much and are now some of the most-trusted people in my life. God did (and is still doing) good things in my life through them, and I'm so thankful!
Anyway.... lots of big thoughts in our hearts lately as we contemplate the ride we are close to embarking on. To me it feels very much like a roller coaster ride, at the point where you are slowly ascending that first big slope, hearing that chunka-chunka-chunka sound of the belt pulling you up the track, strapped in with a "too late now!!" sort of anticipation, knowing that you have made your choice and a biiiiiiig drop is just over the crest. I wonder what moment in life will correspond with that instant of weightlessness as you almost hover at the top-- now you can see so far in every direction and you're almost motionless in the open air, but you can also look straight down at the steep drop directly before you-- before gravity takes hold of you and you are screaming ahead at a much-too-fast speed and maybe feeling a little panicky about the intensity of what's now imminent. Yep, that's what it feels like. Surreal and intangible now, hard to imagine our baby's "really real," even though I feel movement in my tummy daily.... I wonder when it will sink in. When we're holding him after he's born? When we rock him, or change his diaper, or snuggle with him? When he's sitting up or crawling or walking? When he's holding his hand out for the car keys? :) I know it's taken several months to get used to really, truly being married (eight months tomorrow!). It is wonderful, but almost doesn't feel real sometimes. We've had a few relational bumps to know, okay... this is real. :) We're not perfect and won't always succeed at honoring each other. It's not a perpetual honeymoon (especially because real life entails bills and "discussions" and things you "have" to do versus getting to goof off all the time); there are tough, stressful moments and sometimes we hurt each other with our sin. We even had a "what are you talking about?!" discussion the other day where it took awhile to get on the same page and truly understand what each other was saying and meaning, due (mostly) to those male-female translational difficulties. It happens. I'm thankful those moments are rare, but they do happen. We know we are committed to each other for life, and we know we will not stop loving, never stop trying. We are growing, and it is good.
And... I've needed a nap since about 4 p.m. today, so I think I'll close for now and go to bed for an eight- or nine-hour "nap" til morning. :) Ultrasound tomorrow! Willl keep you posted.
Sean and I really enjoy "Home Depot dates," mostly window shopping, brain storming, and daydreaming about the possibilities for future home projects: anything from houseplants to wood floors and outdoor decks. We have yet to spend very much money there. It would be easy to spend all our spare time fixing up the house, but while we want to take good care of it, maybe even increase its curb appeal, we don't want it to consume our lives and leave us unavailable for other things, like PEOPLE! ...who aren't "things" at all. We know there is more to life than material things, though we can get genuine pleasure out of tangible objects... like the thrill of spying the first little green sprouts in your garden, watching plants grow and change before your very eyes as you water them and watch to make sure they get the proper amount of sun or shade. That's probably what being a parent will be like, only on a much grander scale: often stopping to stare in awe at what God makes and does. I believe it's perfectly acceptable (and good) to do those everyday things like cook a delicious meal or cultivate a garden or create a welcoming, comfortable environment in your home. God isn't against pleasure; He made the earth and earthly things for our enjoyment. The awesomest part is when we can recognize it's all from Him and because of Him and say thank you for those simple things as we enjoy them.
Sean and I had a really good talk today about parenting, and how do you know what is "age appropriate" to share with your child? Not only in the context of the "birds and the bees" talks, but other biblical concepts like submission and obedience and God's sovereignty. The world contains plentiful confusion, tantalizing counterfeits, and outright lies about what God has said. How do we explain "what makes a man a man and not a woman?" or "how can God have always existed, and not have a beginning or an end?" or "why do we have to obey God (and by extension, mom and dad)?" I can only imagine the kinds of questions we'll get. :) Kids are so inquisitive! And it's so crucial to give them the truth, so they can develop a solid foundation for right thinking as they mature and encounter distortions or perversions of truth. I've been studying I John lately and much of it (so far! I'm in chapter 2) deals with light and darkness, knowing truth (knowing God) and recognizing false teachers, having fellowship with God and not the world--- so many dichotomies, though they don't always appear so "black and white" to an undiscerning eye.
We feel a strong responsibility to not only clearly express God's truth to our children, but to live out our beliefs so that they will see Christ is our treasure. We want them to see there is more to life than living in a nice house or keeping your grass green. Life is about living for Someone other than ourselves. I often "forget" how real eternity is and focus on such paltry, fleeting things, like my feelings about a particular circumstance or my cravings for comfort or security or pleasure. But God's truth about life, both the temporal now and eternal forever-life, is the "truest truth" there is. What a big job, passing that on to little growing people. But along with the responsibility comes much grace (which we are already praying for) and wisdom, as we ask Him for it. I think of my parents and others I know and respect, and I realize that God can and does use sinners for His work, to accomplish His purposes in our lives and our children's. Convenient, since we are all sinners. :) I know my parents aren't perfect, yet they still taught me so much and are now some of the most-trusted people in my life. God did (and is still doing) good things in my life through them, and I'm so thankful!
Anyway.... lots of big thoughts in our hearts lately as we contemplate the ride we are close to embarking on. To me it feels very much like a roller coaster ride, at the point where you are slowly ascending that first big slope, hearing that chunka-chunka-chunka sound of the belt pulling you up the track, strapped in with a "too late now!!" sort of anticipation, knowing that you have made your choice and a biiiiiiig drop is just over the crest. I wonder what moment in life will correspond with that instant of weightlessness as you almost hover at the top-- now you can see so far in every direction and you're almost motionless in the open air, but you can also look straight down at the steep drop directly before you-- before gravity takes hold of you and you are screaming ahead at a much-too-fast speed and maybe feeling a little panicky about the intensity of what's now imminent. Yep, that's what it feels like. Surreal and intangible now, hard to imagine our baby's "really real," even though I feel movement in my tummy daily.... I wonder when it will sink in. When we're holding him after he's born? When we rock him, or change his diaper, or snuggle with him? When he's sitting up or crawling or walking? When he's holding his hand out for the car keys? :) I know it's taken several months to get used to really, truly being married (eight months tomorrow!). It is wonderful, but almost doesn't feel real sometimes. We've had a few relational bumps to know, okay... this is real. :) We're not perfect and won't always succeed at honoring each other. It's not a perpetual honeymoon (especially because real life entails bills and "discussions" and things you "have" to do versus getting to goof off all the time); there are tough, stressful moments and sometimes we hurt each other with our sin. We even had a "what are you talking about?!" discussion the other day where it took awhile to get on the same page and truly understand what each other was saying and meaning, due (mostly) to those male-female translational difficulties. It happens. I'm thankful those moments are rare, but they do happen. We know we are committed to each other for life, and we know we will not stop loving, never stop trying. We are growing, and it is good.
And... I've needed a nap since about 4 p.m. today, so I think I'll close for now and go to bed for an eight- or nine-hour "nap" til morning. :) Ultrasound tomorrow! Willl keep you posted.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Then and now
Well, here I am blogging without a hint of a subject about which to write, and an as-yet blank title field. What have we been up to lately? Hmm... normal, everyday stuff, I suppose. Work for Sean; cooking, cleaning, and laundry for me. :)
For inspiration, I look to my 2009 calendar. I like to record things on my calendar, and have for several years, everything from haircuts to lunch dates to what I had for dinner that day (sometimes, if it was especially delicious).
On this day in 2009...
It is a pretty normal-sounding day, yet it's incredible how much life has changed since then! At the time, I was an instructor in the Training Group at Vandenberg. I had a corner desk in a four-pack of cubicles and had to show up at 7:30 every morning. I packed my lunch the night before, I laid out my clothes for the next day each night, and I carted around binders of lesson plans. I wore slacks or skirts, blazers, and high heels. I wore makeup every day. People knew me as "Ms. Johnston" and I didn't tell them how young I was. I got hundreds of impersonal e-mails from base organizations. I was living in a cute apartment with my roommate Amy, and cooking lots of meals with beans in them until I found out she doesn't like beans. (I still sort of cooked with a lot of beans, and she had to pick them out, oops.) I was going to Bible study with an awesome group of people and we read through Knowing God by J I Packer-- a pretty deep and insightful book.
Now.... I can wear sweats all day if I want to (and sometimes do). I put on just a little makeup before Sean gets home (sometimes), but he calls me beautiful even when I'm not wearing any. I receive no paycheck. I know the blessedness of waking up without an alarm, at whatever time that happens to be each day. I check out books from the library, everything from yoga to nutrition. All my high heels are in storage, or in CA. I rarely plan my next-day wardrobe. My only computer is Sean's laptop, and I don't receive tons of wide-dissemination e-mails.
But before you think I have turned into a super-slob, these things are also true of my world now: my husband comes home to me every night and appreciates the tantalizing aromas filling the house. He puts zero pressure on me to get an outside job. He thanks me for the stacks of clean clothes that "magically" appear in the closet. I do dress up for church on Sundays. People call me "Mrs. Allen" instead of "Ms. Johnston." I feel rested and relaxed much of the time, because I am getting more sleep. I prepare some mean crock pot meals (and stovetop or oven stuff too, but I love my crock pot). I prepare menus and grocery lists. I make it my goal to have the laundry done by lunchtime Monday. I wear boots good for snow, which I encounter whenever I go out. I am learning to budget and be a good steward of our finances. I am learning what it means to be a wife! It's amazing and wonderful, and I am so thankful that is my "job" now. I am thankfu for where I've been, and where we are headed. It's an adventure!
For inspiration, I look to my 2009 calendar. I like to record things on my calendar, and have for several years, everything from haircuts to lunch dates to what I had for dinner that day (sometimes, if it was especially delicious).
On this day in 2009...
- ate lunch with Cam and Sean at Cocheo Park at Vandenberg
- went to PT in the afternoon with my squadron, where we had a pushup and situp clinic
- went to Greek class at Grace (a pretty short-lived endeavor, because I was overcommitted and that was something I could drop, so I eventually did)
- Berlin called-- always a nice occurrence. We still keep somewhat in touch, now that she is at Beale AFB in Nor Cal. We appreciate how good she is at calling us-- something I want to work on.
- went grocery shopping, but I assume Sean went with me because there is a smiley face next to it. I actually do not like going grocery shopping, so I was so thankful he went with me. Even now we like to go together!
It is a pretty normal-sounding day, yet it's incredible how much life has changed since then! At the time, I was an instructor in the Training Group at Vandenberg. I had a corner desk in a four-pack of cubicles and had to show up at 7:30 every morning. I packed my lunch the night before, I laid out my clothes for the next day each night, and I carted around binders of lesson plans. I wore slacks or skirts, blazers, and high heels. I wore makeup every day. People knew me as "Ms. Johnston" and I didn't tell them how young I was. I got hundreds of impersonal e-mails from base organizations. I was living in a cute apartment with my roommate Amy, and cooking lots of meals with beans in them until I found out she doesn't like beans. (I still sort of cooked with a lot of beans, and she had to pick them out, oops.) I was going to Bible study with an awesome group of people and we read through Knowing God by J I Packer-- a pretty deep and insightful book.
Now.... I can wear sweats all day if I want to (and sometimes do). I put on just a little makeup before Sean gets home (sometimes), but he calls me beautiful even when I'm not wearing any. I receive no paycheck. I know the blessedness of waking up without an alarm, at whatever time that happens to be each day. I check out books from the library, everything from yoga to nutrition. All my high heels are in storage, or in CA. I rarely plan my next-day wardrobe. My only computer is Sean's laptop, and I don't receive tons of wide-dissemination e-mails.
But before you think I have turned into a super-slob, these things are also true of my world now: my husband comes home to me every night and appreciates the tantalizing aromas filling the house. He puts zero pressure on me to get an outside job. He thanks me for the stacks of clean clothes that "magically" appear in the closet. I do dress up for church on Sundays. People call me "Mrs. Allen" instead of "Ms. Johnston." I feel rested and relaxed much of the time, because I am getting more sleep. I prepare some mean crock pot meals (and stovetop or oven stuff too, but I love my crock pot). I prepare menus and grocery lists. I make it my goal to have the laundry done by lunchtime Monday. I wear boots good for snow, which I encounter whenever I go out. I am learning to budget and be a good steward of our finances. I am learning what it means to be a wife! It's amazing and wonderful, and I am so thankful that is my "job" now. I am thankfu for where I've been, and where we are headed. It's an adventure!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Counting Blessings
I have had a rough few days. Ever had a spell like that? Just a spate where you are emotional and discouraged, liable to cry at any moment (and NOT due to PMS, thank you very much). Well. Thanks to "Mom's Mail Delivery Service," I have been reading a phenomenal book called Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow, and it is so good! Its main theme is contentment: in our circumstances, our roles, our relationships, ourselves; trusting God with wishes and fears. As in, I just wish things were different... or I hope __________ doesn't happen, and What if....
It is so good to remember that God is the "blessed Controller of all things" and is able to orchestrate my days, whether I like the way things are or not. It's so simple, and so readily apparent that 1) I am not in control, 2) I am not happy when I try to control things, 3) God is the source of contentment, and 4) it is possible to choose to be content.
These are not new revelations, things I didn't know before. In my head I have known for a long time that God is in control, not me. But how easy is it to know something and yet fight against it or still try to do things my way anyway? There are a few situations in my life that I chose to be a part of, yet somehow I still feel it is unfair that I have to deal with them. Huh? Tell me how that makes sense. It doesn't really. So....
I have a dichotomy, a black and white choice, yes or no: how will I choose to think about the things I wish were different, things that cause me pain and make life difficult? Will I choose to be thankful, knowing God has a purpose for them in my life? Or will I choose to complain and let bitterness take root in my heart, poisoning me and those around me? Will I blame others for my unhappiness, or will I decide to let go and focus on good things? Where will my eyes land; where will I fix my gaze? A short, striking poem (from Calm My Anxious Heart) that illustrates this:
Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other stars
To clarify: by no means do I think I am in prison! I have so much to be thankful for, and that in fact was the original purpose of this post, to post some blessings I want to celebrate. I just think it's important to realize that we do have a choice about our attitude. We are not forced to complain, or made to be bitter. So without further ado, a partial list...
Though I am learning this lesson and am starting to choose forgiveness, contentment, and peace, by no means have I "arrived." I am sure that there will be many times I will have to choose again, when new hurts are piled on old-but-healing wounds, when new uncertainties pop up and I start to wonder about the unknowns in our future. It's a continual cycle, not a one-time event. At any moment I could be confronted with an opportunity to dwell on pain or discontent or fear. I am encouraged that the more often I choose to forgive, choose to focus on the good, choose to let go and trust God, the easier it will become. Or at least, I will have seen and experienced that it is possible to make that choice, and will then be willing to keep trying to do it!
One big epiphany that helped me a lot was asking myself a couple questions. What does God want in my life? and, What does Satan want for my life? It's a stark contrast: God wants freedom, hope, trust, and love to bloom in my heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy. The Bible calls him the "father of lies," and if he can convince me to hold on to his lies, he will seem to be winning against God. He could never win, but we often follow his bad advice over God's good words, and suffer for it. Satan wants me to be bitter and angry, unforgiving and callous. He's not looking out for my best interests, but merely wants to thwart God's plans to use me. I can't let that happen. :) Why does God want me to forgive? It pleases Him, but it's also good for my health! So often we think the things God wants for us will be bad for us, but that is not true. How could suffering be a good thing? we ask. It's hard to know, especially when it seems innocent people are enduring anguish beyond reason, like in natural catastrophes, or ongoing poverty. But ultimately we do know that suffering shapes us, and builds character, which leads to hope. So often in the Bible it says to rejoice at suffering-- what???! How counterintuitive is that?? But the secret is..... that is the path to contentment and true, deep, abiding joy. Strangest thing you ever heard, but it's true.
And since you are reading this, YOU are on my "blessings" list. :) Won't you be happy along with me in the ways I am finding joy? And some homework for you.... I challenge you to make your own list!
It is so good to remember that God is the "blessed Controller of all things" and is able to orchestrate my days, whether I like the way things are or not. It's so simple, and so readily apparent that 1) I am not in control, 2) I am not happy when I try to control things, 3) God is the source of contentment, and 4) it is possible to choose to be content.
These are not new revelations, things I didn't know before. In my head I have known for a long time that God is in control, not me. But how easy is it to know something and yet fight against it or still try to do things my way anyway? There are a few situations in my life that I chose to be a part of, yet somehow I still feel it is unfair that I have to deal with them. Huh? Tell me how that makes sense. It doesn't really. So....
I have a dichotomy, a black and white choice, yes or no: how will I choose to think about the things I wish were different, things that cause me pain and make life difficult? Will I choose to be thankful, knowing God has a purpose for them in my life? Or will I choose to complain and let bitterness take root in my heart, poisoning me and those around me? Will I blame others for my unhappiness, or will I decide to let go and focus on good things? Where will my eyes land; where will I fix my gaze? A short, striking poem (from Calm My Anxious Heart) that illustrates this:
Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other stars
To clarify: by no means do I think I am in prison! I have so much to be thankful for, and that in fact was the original purpose of this post, to post some blessings I want to celebrate. I just think it's important to realize that we do have a choice about our attitude. We are not forced to complain, or made to be bitter. So without further ado, a partial list...
- my wonderful, sweet husband who takes such good care of me and is a joy to love and serve and live life with. I just love him to pieces, and he is so gentle with me!
- our Skype dates with Nalani: we get to see her sweet little face (and sometimes-crazy hair) and hear her talk to us. She will know her daddy's face and voice even though we are often far apart geographically. Praise Jesus for free technology that lets us be "close" to loved ones!
- my amazing parents, who send us copious amounts of mail filled with encouragement (and sometimes food!)
- awesome parents-in-law, who include me on the family e-mail convos
- loving sisters and brothers who enrich our lives, though we don't get to see them often enough
- a roof over our heads, but beyond that, an amazing house to live in!
- generous landlords, who have let us borrow things we accidentally packed away into storage (like bath towels and cleaning supplies)
- they also let us do our laundry for free using their machines
- a king-size bed with a cozy down comforter, such luxury
- beautiful sunrises and sunsets (sunrises vouched for by Sean)
- gorgeous mountains!
- clean air to breathe
- two working cars
- the ability to read-- where would I be without that often-taken-for-granted skill? no recipes or web sites or e-mails or books or magazines or letters or road signs!
- the fact that my education is complete (for now, unless I want to pursue a PhD...)
- beautiful forest views out all our windows at home
- familiar friends from CA who are stationed here and are fun to hang out with
- my little 3-quart crockpot (Sean recently told me that if he had known how much yummy food would come out of that little guy, he would have sprung for it a whole lot earlier!)
- unlimited running water, hot to bathe with and cold to drink
- Underarmour-type pants, Christmas gift from Sean, which I wear pretty much every day under my jeans. Keep me warm even when I go outside!
- my baby-blue fleece jacket. Wear that thing constantly
- a laptop to check e-mail and blog with :)
- friends who call just to say hi, because they want to keep in touch
- our recently-paid-off-in-full student loan!! Huge feeling of accomplishment there
- Sean's job that provides well for us, and is even enjoyable for him most of the time
- libraries that let you borrow books and DVD's and magazines for FREE
- a camera to capture special moments
- having someone to experience special moments with
- a husband who appreciates, and always eats, my cooking, even if I think it is bland or needs a few changes to make it "just right"
- delicious food I get to prepare and be creative with (I'm so glad that is one "wifely task" that I get to enjoy too! I love good food!)
- a husband who loves to learn and loves to share what he's learning
- a husband who prays with me and loves God
- a husband who is funny, talented, and smart
- a husband who is willing to take lunches to work every day instead of eating out
- a husband who will rub my feet or my back without being asked!
- a husband who gladly goes grocery shopping with me
- a husband who gives good hugs and always asks about my day (I know he's on here a lot, but he is truly one of the biggest blessings in my life)
- not least of all, a God who wants to know me and walk with me, not just an aloof creator-wizard dude but a loving, compassionate, wise, strong (many more traits I could name) God who created me, and everyone, to have fellowship with Him. AND a God who restored that fellowship after we had rebelled and shattered it. He's the only one who could save us, and He did. He also makes it possible for us to truly be content and let go of anger, bitterness, hurt, the "need" to be justified, and anything else that is yucky.
Though I am learning this lesson and am starting to choose forgiveness, contentment, and peace, by no means have I "arrived." I am sure that there will be many times I will have to choose again, when new hurts are piled on old-but-healing wounds, when new uncertainties pop up and I start to wonder about the unknowns in our future. It's a continual cycle, not a one-time event. At any moment I could be confronted with an opportunity to dwell on pain or discontent or fear. I am encouraged that the more often I choose to forgive, choose to focus on the good, choose to let go and trust God, the easier it will become. Or at least, I will have seen and experienced that it is possible to make that choice, and will then be willing to keep trying to do it!
One big epiphany that helped me a lot was asking myself a couple questions. What does God want in my life? and, What does Satan want for my life? It's a stark contrast: God wants freedom, hope, trust, and love to bloom in my heart. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy. The Bible calls him the "father of lies," and if he can convince me to hold on to his lies, he will seem to be winning against God. He could never win, but we often follow his bad advice over God's good words, and suffer for it. Satan wants me to be bitter and angry, unforgiving and callous. He's not looking out for my best interests, but merely wants to thwart God's plans to use me. I can't let that happen. :) Why does God want me to forgive? It pleases Him, but it's also good for my health! So often we think the things God wants for us will be bad for us, but that is not true. How could suffering be a good thing? we ask. It's hard to know, especially when it seems innocent people are enduring anguish beyond reason, like in natural catastrophes, or ongoing poverty. But ultimately we do know that suffering shapes us, and builds character, which leads to hope. So often in the Bible it says to rejoice at suffering-- what???! How counterintuitive is that?? But the secret is..... that is the path to contentment and true, deep, abiding joy. Strangest thing you ever heard, but it's true.
And since you are reading this, YOU are on my "blessings" list. :) Won't you be happy along with me in the ways I am finding joy? And some homework for you.... I challenge you to make your own list!
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