One of the books I received for Christmas and have started reading is Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick.
I've only read the Introduction and the first chapter so far, but already I feel like I need to stop and digest what I've read, or work through a few things in my heart (that's something I love about Elyse Fitzpatrick's books-- so meaty and true).
Her premise is that the gospel should inform our daily life, even after we are saved; the gospel isn't just for getting people saved, but living saved. I agree with that premise wholeheartedly. I've even said things to that effect.
My problem? (Not with the book, but with my thinking.) I have trouble really believing that God loves me. I find it pretty easy to believe He loves "the world" and sent Jesus to die for our sins.... but actually feeling like He loves me? Much harder. For some reason, it's easier to think God loves "the world"-- the sum of humanity, everybody combined-- than to think he loves me, with my faults and sins and not-that-great-ness. I'm just average, not a supermodel or a superstar, not an expert at anything. I still often struggle with wanting to earn my salvation by being perfect, or at least exceptionally efficient, in everything I do. I think I need to prepare the healthiest meal plan, or keep the cleanest house, or raise perfect children, as if doing those things could somehow ingratiate me to God. I think I need to please the people around me by being agreeable and never hurting their feelings, being thoughtful and sweet and utterly untouchable.
The thing is, He made me. He knows me. He does love me. And not because of what I do, as if I could ever be good enough. (Um, I'm pretty sure the standard is perfection.) He loves me because He chooses to. He has given me His grace and saved me, just because He chose to. That's the definition of grace: a voluntary expression of mercy to someone who does nothing to earn it and does not deserve it.
I love it when God ties together truth from different contexts. For exactly two weeks, I have been attending Community Bible Study, a nondenominational organization that has written Bible studies that take place with mostly volunteer staff in various cities around the world. There's a group that meets at a church less than one mile from our house. We're going through the book of Hebrews, and last week's lesson was on "God's promised rest" from chapter four. In the homework we looked at the various "rests" God describes. One type of rest is resting in God's work on our behalf-- His work of saving us. (Note: not our work of saving ourselves!) The lesson tied in John 14 and 15 as well: God's promise of perfect peace; and His call to abide in Him.
That's liberating. It's also very hard for me to really, truly accept, for whatever reason. That's why I feel like I can't keep reading this book until I start to take hold of that truth: God loves ME, Marisa Beth Allen. He knows everything about me, and He loves me. He sees my insecurities, my sins, my heart. And He loves me.
He loves you too. Do you really believe it? Or do you still fall into the trap of trying to be good enough, trying to earn acceptance, trying to work for your salvation? You can rest in the finished work of Jesus. Won't you strive toward that end with me?
Many thanks to Sean, who played trains with Caleb while Chloe slept so I could write this!
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, November 23, 2012
37 weeks.... a.k.a. Let The Countdown Begin!
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| 37 weeks! |
Today, I am thankful to have made it to "full term" with this pregnancy. I know there is no guarantee for tomorrow, and my experiences with miscarriage have made me realize even more how precious new life is. Each day is a gift, and I may not know what lies ahead, but I can appreciate Today, while it is here.
Today, I am thankful for heartburn and hip pain and backache... because they remind me that this physical life is temporary, and imperfect. It would be easy to think I control my own destiny if everything always went perfectly. It would also be easy to take good health and freedom of movement for granted, if they were always available to me.
Today, I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who knows me well and accepts me nonetheless. (And he's pretty good at understanding and encouraging me, too!)
Today, I am thankful for the "fires" of adversity, because they have begun to refine me, and those I love.
Today, I am thankful that God is faithful to keep His word, He is sovereign to accomplish His plans, and He is all-wise to orchestrate all things for His glory.
Today, I am thankful that God meets all our needs.
Today, I am thankful that His grace is sufficient for me.
Today, I am thankful for a sweet little blond-headed boy, who causes me to fall on God's grace often, and who gives the best hugs and kisses. He is affectionate, friendly, social, imaginative, and silly. What a gift.
There are many more gifts I could name, but I am tired and need a nap. :) So I will be back soon!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
30 weeks
GAH! I accidentally typed 39 weeks the first time! Whoa. Okay, I'm better now. That could send you into a panic if you let it (and if it were true, ha). :)
We are at 30 weeks today!! It feels kind of like when you come back from Spring Break: the rest of the semester just FLIES BY. I sense the next 10 weeks will be like that, especially since it has now been two months since we arrived in California, and that has flown by.
As far as projects go....
I have decided to wait on making a duvet cover for our queen bed. Washing the current comforter greatly helped my frustration with that room. It was just a bit dingy; now it's cleaner and I don't feel compelled to cover it up. :)
I'm past halfway on a little quilt for our newest niece, Maleia Allen, born Sept. 12. It's turning out SO CUTE, I almost can't stand it. I'm so glad, because I encountered a couple bumps along the way in the planning stage. Nothing that multiple trips to fabric stores couldn't alleviate!
Still considering sewing up a diaper bag and constructing a slipcover for our armchair and ottoman. Neither of those are critical, but "nice to haves." I've found a great tutorial online for the diaper bag, and it doesn't look too hard (probably a couple-day project since I would be working on it in little snippets of time). For the slipcover, however, it's like a foreign language trying to decipher the instructions. I just haven't had the "oomph" (or undistracted time to concentrate) to figure it out. Yet. We shall see.
Higher priority is decorating the kids' room! We have received our moving money, so now we can go to town! Not really. :) But we did set aside a little bit for curtain rods, curtains, rugs, etc... as well as a second set of ABU's for Sean, and a washer and dryer. You know, just a few little things. It is such a blessing to be able to set aside money for them without impacting our monthly budget. We budget pretty carefully in order to make all the trips to Hawaii that we do, and stay out of debt, and plan ahead for Christmas and birthdays and random, recurring things. God has provided so abundantly for us and we are thankful.
So... I am off to clean the bathrooms while Caleb is at Grammy's! Cleaning them is so hard to do when he is around (and awake). That and vacuuming! Because he wants to ride the vacuum cleaner. Or hold the handle. Or generally not want Mommy to be able to vacuum. :)
We are at 30 weeks today!! It feels kind of like when you come back from Spring Break: the rest of the semester just FLIES BY. I sense the next 10 weeks will be like that, especially since it has now been two months since we arrived in California, and that has flown by.
 |
| 30 weeks -- 75% of the way there! |
As far as projects go....
I have decided to wait on making a duvet cover for our queen bed. Washing the current comforter greatly helped my frustration with that room. It was just a bit dingy; now it's cleaner and I don't feel compelled to cover it up. :)
I'm past halfway on a little quilt for our newest niece, Maleia Allen, born Sept. 12. It's turning out SO CUTE, I almost can't stand it. I'm so glad, because I encountered a couple bumps along the way in the planning stage. Nothing that multiple trips to fabric stores couldn't alleviate!
 |
| sneak peek! |
Still considering sewing up a diaper bag and constructing a slipcover for our armchair and ottoman. Neither of those are critical, but "nice to haves." I've found a great tutorial online for the diaper bag, and it doesn't look too hard (probably a couple-day project since I would be working on it in little snippets of time). For the slipcover, however, it's like a foreign language trying to decipher the instructions. I just haven't had the "oomph" (or undistracted time to concentrate) to figure it out. Yet. We shall see.
Higher priority is decorating the kids' room! We have received our moving money, so now we can go to town! Not really. :) But we did set aside a little bit for curtain rods, curtains, rugs, etc... as well as a second set of ABU's for Sean, and a washer and dryer. You know, just a few little things. It is such a blessing to be able to set aside money for them without impacting our monthly budget. We budget pretty carefully in order to make all the trips to Hawaii that we do, and stay out of debt, and plan ahead for Christmas and birthdays and random, recurring things. God has provided so abundantly for us and we are thankful.
So... I am off to clean the bathrooms while Caleb is at Grammy's! Cleaning them is so hard to do when he is around (and awake). That and vacuuming! Because he wants to ride the vacuum cleaner. Or hold the handle. Or generally not want Mommy to be able to vacuum. :)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
In the grip of His grace
Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
All of the verses throughout this story are ones I have committed to memory in the last several months. At the time, I didn't know I would need them the way I do now. God has been bringing them to mind throughout each day, and they are such a comfort. Here’s the full story, starting last fall.
THE FIRST CHAPTER
For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Psalm 71:5
In October 2011, I had what is called an “early miscarriage.” We had taken a pregnancy test on October 11th, my birthday. We had been trying to get pregnant, so of course I took a test as soon as I thought was reasonable! Less than two weeks after we found out, I started to miscarry, at about 6 weeks gestation. It was a traumatic experience—I felt scared, upset, guilty, and so disappointed; I called Sean at work when it started, and he immediately came home; we spent the good portion of the day in various waiting rooms at Evans Army Hospital.
GRIEVING
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15
Over the next few months as I grieved (Sean grieved too, I’m just sharing the experience from mostly my perspective), I got teary-eyed whenever I would hear a baby cry. At playgroup, I had to leave the room when moms started talking about how far apart their children were, because I knew I was about to lose it. Two of our close friends (two couples, that is) announced they were pregnant, and again I went to another room to cry each time—very happy for them, but experiencing very raw pain as well.
Over those few months, I really experienced how solid God’s character is, and how much knowing Him deeply can help us survive painful experiences. I relied on Scripture that talked about God’s abounding love and faithfulness, His mercy and sovereignty. It was certainly a painful time, but it didn’t destroy me. I never sank into depression, for which I am thankful. I feel like I have healed from the raw pain of that loss, though it still surfaces at times, and have grieved over the child we will never know, never get to hug or bathe or even see. You grieve for lost opportunities, a lost future for your family, even if you never really knew your baby. At times I wondered if my grief was reasonable, since we had known for such a short time that we were even pregnant. (I decided it was.)
DO NOT WORRY
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
As soon as we got the doctor’s okay to try and conceive again, we did, and on December 22, 2011 we got another positive pregnancy test result. We were so happy, but I didn’t really let myself get excited. I struggled with worry and fear: what if something happens to this baby too? I felt the time would never pass until we could tell people, or let ourselves get excited about having a new baby. We decided to wait a long time before telling anyone, even our families, just in case something happened. It was very hard to wait several weeks, but we did. Once I reached 10 weeks, we thought that was a good point to tell people we were pregnant. After our experience in October, I had read as much as I could on miscarriage. I had read that after 10 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage goes way down—still with no guarantees, but the most precarious time in a fetus’ development has passed by that point. Over the course of a few days, we told our parents, our siblings, our Bible study group, my ladies’ Bible study, and our friends. Oh yeah, and we told the world by posting it on Facebook.
THE ULTRASOUND
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:3-4
On Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 I went in for a glucose test (to test for gestational diabetes) and an ultrasound. I got my finger pricked for the baseline glucose reading, forced myself to drink the 10 ounces of very sugary liquid (with 50 grams of sugar in it), and sat in a waiting room for an hour while I waited to get blood drawn. Sean met me there just before the ultrasound. Heidi was our sonographer, and I had the privilege (ha) of having an “internal” ultrasound, instead of the external tummy (or “transabdominal”) ultrasound. She took some measurements of my cervix and uterus, and even though it’s hard for us laypeople to distinguish anything on the grainy black-and-white screen, I didn’t see anything that resembled a baby, or even a yolk sac, something I had seen on one of Caleb’s early ultrasounds.
We did see a dark area that turned out to be the gestational sac. Heidi left the room, and brought in a radiologist, who told us there was in fact a gestational sac in me, but no baby. He shared that fully 50% of pregnancies do not come to term—so it’s very common to have some sort of complication that means a “failed pregnancy,” and it’s really quite miraculous when a healthy baby does happen. They were both really sympathetic, and offered the walk-in clinic at Evans Hospital as a resource to answer any questions we had.
At that point, I was in shock and didn’t really have questions. Other than, what do you mean, no baby? Why have I been so tired and nauseous and been “feeling” pregnant? How did we get a positive pregnancy test result? When did the baby stop developing, and why? What’s going to happen next?
Apparently, the gestational sac (which is different from the placenta) can still form, even if there is a problem with the fertilized egg/embryo/fetus. The gestational sac produces the hormone that shows up on a pregnancy test and causes pregnancy symptoms, thus giving a positive reading even though the baby may not develop properly in some cases.
THE CONFIRMATION
Great is our LORD, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Psalm 147:5
On Thursday, February 2nd, I went to Evans Hospital, had another ultrasound, and met with a doctor, who confirmed the baby is no more. The doctor gave me a handout describing “management” options, and for now we are going with the least invasive option: waiting. My body should take care of things by itself in the next few weeks.
On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.
THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened. Again. But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal. He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself. It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God. And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them. We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going. We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering. We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope. We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on.
On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.
THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened. Again. But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal. He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself. It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God. And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them. We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going. We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering. We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope. We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on.
In these anguished moments lies a choice for me, for all of us: will I choose to believe the things about God that I say I believe? When I have to live it out, do I really believe God is all-powerful and good? Do I truly believe that He loves me and only allows those things into my life that can glorify Him and refine me? We can (and are striving to) trust that God will use this for His inscrutable purposes in our lives, and possibly others’. Nothing is without meaning because He is sovereign and good.
At the same time, I believe it is acceptable to ask questions, to struggle with the lack of answers. There are almost 200 questions throughout the Psalms, and even Jesus cried out, “Why?” on the Cross, though He knew His purpose all along in coming to the world. Suffering does seem senseless to us, probably because we were created to exist in a perfect world where there was never death or disease or miscarriage or pain. Death and suffering are not right. They are never ideal or desirable. Pain and sorrow are not easy to bear. These things are present here on Earth, but only for a time. What a comfort that is!
In the end, this disappointment doesn’t have to crush us. Yes, it breaks our hearts. I would never wish losing a child on anyone. But we can rest on the Rock that doesn’t shift. And we are poignantly aware now of the privilege it is to have Caleb in our lives and in our arms: a healthy, happy, growing little boy whom we love dearly and wouldn’t trade for anything. I know I have been giving him extra hugs and kisses lately… hugs that he usually tries to squirm out of. Hopefully someday he will realize how much we love him!
TO MY PREGNANT FRIENDS
The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion… Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:5, 7
I close with a note to all my pregnant friends: Please do not feel like you have to tip-toe around me. I am so thrilled that you are having a baby, truly! It’s a beautiful miracle, and I can be excited for you even though I am also grieving. Please keep telling me about the fun little details of your pregnancy, and don’t feel weird if I ask how you are feeling. I care about you and want to share the experience with you. My soul can be at rest because the Lord has been good to me.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Boots and Bedtimes
Yesterday I cried over a pair of boots.
(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)
I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.
I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).
But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.
It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*
Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I amcheap frugal (ok, I'm actually cheap), but I do like quality items. Good quality boots are often $100+, real leather and all that jazz, you know. Well, I was at the mall a few weeks ago, not looking for boots at the time, but rather looking for an elevator to go upstairs with Caleb. We wandered into Sears because I thought there was one in the back of the store. Turns out it was an escalator, but since they frown upon hiking a stroller with a toddler in it up the moving steps, I decided to turn around and keep looking elsewhere in the mall for a way up. On our way out of Sears, I saw the shoe section! In the shoe section, I saw a wonderful pair of boots that were just about perfect! AND, to boot (haha), they were on clearance for $34.99! (About $36 and change with tax.) They didn't have my size, but the salesperson I talked to said they could order them on the computer, and they would be shipped to my home, for free! Awesome, let's do it! We did it, I paid for them, and happily went my way, even sent up a little, "Thank you, God" as I went. I got an e-mail the same day saying my order had been received. It may have been the next day that I got another e-mail saying they had shipped! Very exciting. A few days later, they arrived! We heard a doorbell (Sean was home at the time), and I thought, Hey, I bet those are my boots! Yay! That was fast! We opened up the box, and.... they didn't look right. They weren't right. There was a big gold zipper up the side, and it was a suedy brown and not a shiny smooth brown. For a moment I considered keeping them, if they fit, even though I didn't like them as well as the ones I ordered. But then I looked for the size. Seven and a half?! They're not even the right size! Ugh.
But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.
Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.
I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???
And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.
I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.
But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.
It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.
Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.
The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.
Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.
When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!
(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)
*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!
Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.
(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)
I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.
I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).
But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.
It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*
Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I am
But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.
Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.
I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???
And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.
I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.
But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.
It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.
Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.
The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.
Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.
When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!
(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)
*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!
Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Hiatus
Hello, there. I haven't blogged in forever, it seems. But I have decided to try and make more of an effort again, because it's good to document LIFE, with all its complexities, and be able to look back and see how God has worked in our lives. I get hung up on blogging when I think that every post has to be inspiring and cohesive, articulate and impressive. Sometimes I don't think I have very "deep" or meaningful thoughts to share, and that keeps me from sharing at all. Perfectionism is interesting, isn't it? I'd rather NOT do something at all, than fail at it, or do it less than perfectly. Fear motivates that kind of thinking-- fear of what others think about me, fear of looking bad, fear of what I will think about myself when I measure my efforts-- and I am working on changing that, by God's grace. He already loves me, even though I am not perfect! His love isn't based on my performance, but on His choice. There is such freedom and joy in that truth.
Caleb continues to be a great joy to us. Our 14 month-old bubbly baby boy has at least 20 words, is down to one nap a day, has taken his first steps (Nov. 9th), gives hugs and kisses liberally, says "hi" at least 100 times a day (I counted), and is growing bigger by the day! It's truly a privilege to get to spend time with him each day... even with mealtime messes and stinky diapers and helter-skelter toys. Whenever I feel tired at the thought of changing another poopy diaper, or picking up toys again, or mopping the sticky, dripped-on floor under his high chair one more time.... I remind myself what a privilege it is to have a child at all. I remind myself of all the people who desperately desire to conceive a child, and cannot. Or those who have lost a child to disease or tragedy or miscarriage. Or those who do not have custody of their child and are prevented from seeing them. Caleb is healthy and "normal," with no medical or developmental issues. He is learning as he should and progressing in all ways. That is such a gift! I need to spend less time on e-mail or Facebook (blogging excepted, right?), and more time on the floor with him, wrestling or reading or building with blocks. I should worry less about messes, and more about his maturity. I should see his temper tantrums as a reminder that I too was once rebellious and independent-- and that I still have those tendencies inside me, before God saved me and started changing me. I should see difficult moments as opportunities to invest in his life and display God's love to him-- the kind of love that is patient and kind; the kind of love that speaks truth gracefully; the kind of love that disciplines him for his own good; the kind of love that cares not for its own interests, but the interests of others; a sacrificial love that does "the right thing" even when it's inconvenient or difficult. This is a kind of love that I can't manufacture; I can't show it to Caleb or anyone else by sheer willpower, but only by the Holy Spirit's work in and through me.
Being a parent definitely teaches you so much!
Here are a few things that I hope to catch you all up on in the coming weeks:
*some recent sewing projects!
*Josh and Rachel's wedding in July
*Colorado camping this summer
*friends' visits in August
*Sean's first half marathon, and a couple 10ks for both of us
*our car issues, including a major car accident (and God's protection)
*Caleb's birthday in September (and his grandparents' visit!)
*our October Hawaii trip to see Nalani
Stay tuned!
Caleb continues to be a great joy to us. Our 14 month-old bubbly baby boy has at least 20 words, is down to one nap a day, has taken his first steps (Nov. 9th), gives hugs and kisses liberally, says "hi" at least 100 times a day (I counted), and is growing bigger by the day! It's truly a privilege to get to spend time with him each day... even with mealtime messes and stinky diapers and helter-skelter toys. Whenever I feel tired at the thought of changing another poopy diaper, or picking up toys again, or mopping the sticky, dripped-on floor under his high chair one more time.... I remind myself what a privilege it is to have a child at all. I remind myself of all the people who desperately desire to conceive a child, and cannot. Or those who have lost a child to disease or tragedy or miscarriage. Or those who do not have custody of their child and are prevented from seeing them. Caleb is healthy and "normal," with no medical or developmental issues. He is learning as he should and progressing in all ways. That is such a gift! I need to spend less time on e-mail or Facebook (blogging excepted, right?), and more time on the floor with him, wrestling or reading or building with blocks. I should worry less about messes, and more about his maturity. I should see his temper tantrums as a reminder that I too was once rebellious and independent-- and that I still have those tendencies inside me, before God saved me and started changing me. I should see difficult moments as opportunities to invest in his life and display God's love to him-- the kind of love that is patient and kind; the kind of love that speaks truth gracefully; the kind of love that disciplines him for his own good; the kind of love that cares not for its own interests, but the interests of others; a sacrificial love that does "the right thing" even when it's inconvenient or difficult. This is a kind of love that I can't manufacture; I can't show it to Caleb or anyone else by sheer willpower, but only by the Holy Spirit's work in and through me.
Being a parent definitely teaches you so much!
Here are a few things that I hope to catch you all up on in the coming weeks:
*some recent sewing projects!
*Josh and Rachel's wedding in July
*Colorado camping this summer
*friends' visits in August
*Sean's first half marathon, and a couple 10ks for both of us
*our car issues, including a major car accident (and God's protection)
*Caleb's birthday in September (and his grandparents' visit!)
*our October Hawaii trip to see Nalani
Stay tuned!
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