Counting my blessings

There are so many things we can be thankful for here. I've been wanting to catalog the "easy to take for granted" ones, so here goes. I'm sure there are more I will think of later!

1. Sidewalks in front of our house. This was one thing that bugged me every time I went jogging or walking from our house in Colorado. There were not very many sidewalks near our house, so I would have to walk on the street, evading cars and dealing with a slight slant to the road. Here there are tons of sidewalks, and neat neighborhoods to explore.

2. Two parks within walking distance. The closest park to our house in CO was 0.9 miles away-- not insurmountable, but it was sometimes enough to dissuade me from making the trek. (I am a pretty pathetic pregnant lady, very bad at wanting to exercise much, despite my earlier enthusiasm for going to the Y.) Now, we have a great park just around the corner from our house! We pass five houses (along the sidewalk), turn right, and Caleb sees the roof of the play structure down a block and says, "Slide? slide? slide? slide?"

3. Familiarity with the area. It's very nice to not have to look up directions or an address every time you want to leave the house! I already know how to get places, and going to the base is no sweat (used to commute there every day!). I am a little rusty on where specific offices/buildings are on base, but it's coming back to me. :) It's funny how what I once thought of as "all the way at the other end of town" takes, at most, 10 minutes to get to. I was used to driving 20 or 30 minutes to get most places in the Springs, since we lived on the north-eastern edge of town. We currently live north(ish?) of where my parents live, so I am having to get used to the fact that some things are south of me.

4. Caleb's moldability. He has started saying, unprompted, "choo choo train after dinner" when we put him in the high chair, even at snack time or breakfast time. It's so great to see (and hear) confirmation that he is absorbing at least some of our instruction! I have started reading Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, and want to re-read Shepherding a Child's Heart and dive into Instructing a Child's Heart, both by Tedd Tripp, I believe. We need help!!!! Caleb distracts himself (and tries to distract us) when we are trying to discipline him-- recently he showed us his belly button while we were "having a talk." It's so hard to stay serious when he does stuff like that-- it's so cute!-- but at the same time it's super frustrating when he refuses to pay attention and tunes us out. It's very important that he learns to listen to us, especially in light of his new game of running away when we call him, to make us chase him. VERY bad if he were to run into the street. We are still working on that one...

5. Timing of our move. Fall Bible studies are just starting up, so we will hopefully be able to get plugged into a church fairly easily. We have visited five so far, one for each Sunday we have been here, and have some great options. I am looking forward to getting back into more of a routine with midweek Bible studies.

6. A healthy, uneventful pregnancy. Today (9/5) I had my first OB appointment with my new doctor here in CA, and it was great. (We are officially 25 weeks, 6 days today.) He wanted to do an ultrasound to check out the baby (in 2D and 3D!!!), and of course I was thrilled to get to see her! That's always a treat. Everything looked good, and measured on track with my existing due date, as far as the baby's head and abdomen size. It doesn't hurt when the doctor says you are "thin." :) It's such a miracle, so surreal to see a little human body inside you. She was kicking, too, in response to the pressing of the ultrasound probe. Very cool. I happen to think she's super cute!! Can't wait to meet her and see her up close and hold her. That's a special moment, meeting your baby for the first time.

Just chillin...

No more paparazzi, please!

7. The mild climate. It has been in the 60's and 70's here, which is 20-30 degrees cooler than it would be in Colorado Springs! When I was pregnant with Caleb in the summer, I remember being very uncomfortable, and my feet were often puffy. Here I haven't noticed having that condition once! It's more humid here too, with the nice ocean breeze; my skin always enjoys that.

8. An abundance of fresh produce. I have really been enjoying the farmer's markets here! We haven't gone to a "pick your own" place yet, but that is definitely on our family radar for sometime soon. This past weekend we went to the Avila Valley Barn with Mom and Dad and got watermelon, asparagus, corn, nectarines, strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries. SO YUMMY. I don't even like raspberries that much, but they were sooo good. I can't say I love watermelon, but maybe it's just bland, watery, pithy watermelon that I don't like. :P Fresh, primo-ripe fruit is just so good. I'm so thankful we have access to such a variety of fresh (and usually organic) fruits and veggies. I cannot WAIT for pumpkins. Caleb will really be old enough to enjoy picking out pumpkins this year, I think. Fall's my favorite season... and I love pumpkins. I just love harvest and hay and orange and red... and baking. Lots of baking. I bought the big box of butter at Costco today- four one-pound blocks, which is equivalent to 16 sticks. (Hey, it was way cheaper per pound than at the grocery store!) I usually slice the bricks into sticks, then freeze all but a couple. I have many, many good-looking recipes I want to try out-- strawberry bread, apricot breakfast muffins, autumn muffins. I LOVE cinnamon and nutmeg and cloves. I will let you know how these new recipes turn out. :)

9. My amazing husband. Not only does he give me the opportunity to have (beautiful) children, he takes care of us so well. He's so diligent, and more often than not, if I happen to run an errand while he is at home, the dishes are done when I come back! He likes to straighten, he plays with Caleb and puts him to bed most nights... He does laundry and gives good back rubs (it's a toss-up to me, which of those two is more romantic!). It's so sad to think about "falling out of love" or not wanting to be married anymore. It kills me to think about us drifting apart, and I don't want that to ever happen; I never want something to come between us. I used to wonder, How can you know if your marriage will make it? So many of them don't. So many people give up, even after 20 or 30 years of marriage. And I have decided, at this point, that I can only do my best with today, and 'a long obedience in the same direction' will Lord-willing result in a long, stable, happy marriage (happy in the sense of "we still enjoy hanging out with each other after 10 or 20 or 30 years," not in the "he will fulfill all my wishes" sense). As in so many areas, with marriage, I am responsible for being obedient to God today. It's impossible to guarantee where you might be in 20 years, but I know where I am today (most of the time!), and I can be faithful with the big or little things God has given me at this moment, whether it's changing messy diapers or respecting my husband, cleaning bathrooms or training a two-year-old. Any task can be done for God's glory, whether it's fun or not-so-fun; visible or transparent; important or just necessary.

10. Family close-by! This is a biggie, and I'm not just saying that because my mom reads my blog. :) It is such a huge blessing to be near family. We really missed that in Colorado, especially around holidays where we couldn't go home. (Looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!) We get the blessing of awesome meals that I didn't have to cook, fellowship, wise counsel, a "home away from home," a place where people know you and love you... and have known you and loved you your entire life. They get the blessing of being able to invest in their grandson, and soon granddaughter, and of course their daughter and son-in-law. It has been a really neat element of moving back. We are enjoying the opportunities for date nights too, with the best babysitters around. :)

I'm sure there are many more things to recognize and appreciate, but for now I'll stop at the nice, round number of 10. :)

Talk soon,
M

Settling In

We have been in California for exactly three weeks now, and are settling in well. So far we have partaken in several Central Coast specialties, though we haven't taken a single picture:

San Luis Obispo Farmer's Market - one of the oldest and largest farmer's markets in CA, with an average of 10,000 people weekly. Lots of fresh fruit, restaurant stands, live music and entertainment (bands, jugglers, balloon animals, etc.) and random protestors warning of genetically-modified corn or quoting Bible verses. (You can even register to vote at one of the booths...)

Avila Beach - Caleb LOVED the water and let the waves come up over his legs. He didn't want to leave! He's getting much better about tolerating sand on his feet too. There's also a nice playground with slides and swings. We enjoyed lunch at a place called the Hula Hut, with amazing salads, sandwiches, and wraps (and clam chowder!). It was a beautiful, sunny day. Sean and I threw around our frisbee a little bit-- I can still bend over to pick it up okay, but I can tell those days are numbered as my tummy gets bigger! The seagulls rifled through our paper bag of snacks while we were down at the water! The bag was pretty much demolished, and they ate some bread and who knows what else. Ooops. A beautiful day all around.

Bonfire/BBQ at Grover Beach - Sean's squadron held a social event there last Friday night, and it was neat to meet new people (and reconnect with a few people I knew when I worked with the Training Group on base three years ago-- some of the current squadron members were my students when I taught in the Group!) It was a gorgeous day, warm enough for short sleeves, with an amazing sunset to finish off the evening. In central-coastal CA, you always bring a sweatshirt to the beach, even in the middle of the day, in case it is "socked in" or foggy. But we didn't need our hoodies! I ate way too much tri-tip and chicken, but it was just so good! A place in Lompoc called Floriano's catered the main dish (ie. the meat) and it was amazing. I ate about half a chicken, I think. I "helped" Sean with his plate after he was done, too. There were a bunch of other little kids that Caleb played with, which was fun! He had sand EVERYWHERE... made for a fun bathtime (and a very sandy tub).

local farmer's markets - most of the farmers provide organic produce and it's a fun experience to wander among the canopies and enjoy free samples of peaches, strawberries, or grapes. Haven't bought squash, local honey, flowers, lettuce, artisan bread, or tomatoes there yet. :) Mom and I (and Caleb) went this past Wednesday and got some nectarines, white peaches, apples, and strawberries. YUM!

~~

There are many, many places and things we want to rediscover as a family, introducing Caleb to places Mommy and Daddy went when they were just getting to know each other four years ago. We met in October of 2008, so we'll be coming up on "anniversaries" like becoming an item (Jan. 25, 2009), first date, first Valentine's Day, first kiss (that date's a secret!), engagement, first "I love you," etc. I enjoy reminiscing about stuff like that.

Here are some of the places we want to go, with or without Caleb:

Oso Flaco Lake hike

Avila Valley Barn (with pick-your-own fruit and petting zoo for Caleb!)

Point Sal hike - one I've done many times, with various friends

Montana de Oro State Park - one of our favorite places to hike and camp

Jalama Beach - we camped there with friends during Thanksgiving '09, before we were even dating!

Splash Cafe in Pismo Beach - famous for their clam chowder in bread bowls, it's not uncommon to see a line of people snaking out the door and around the corner of the building, waiting for chowder or fish and chips.

~~

We have also been able to have a couple different people over for dinner-- on Sunday we had over Sean's coworker Jon, who just PCS'd here too (with Italian sausage/zucchini/tomato pasta and amazing oatmeal chocolate-chip cookies).... and Tuesday night, our friend Melanie who lives next door now (Mexican stuffed shells, Greek salad, and fresh fruit).

It's been a busy couple of weeks! All the boxes in the garage are at least opened, though we will need to go through several of them and pare down (i.e. get rid of junk). We have lots and lots of linens we aren't using, and I figure someone else could be using them RIGHT NOW. How many twin comforters do we need, anyway??? We have two twin beds... and about five comforters. I am determined to consolidate my mementos into one large tub: whatever doesn't fit, goes... and if I want to add something new, I will need to make room or get rid of something else. Right now I have several medium-size tubs of various memento items... and numerous shoe boxes with every birthday card, recital program, and wedding invitation I've ever received (or so it seems)! Yesterday I worked through two smallish moving boxes, and it felt quite liberating to go from two cardboard boxes full, to a shoebox of small papers and blank, usable notepads.

We have had some good quality time with Mom and Dad-- especially since they have laundry facilities and internet! ;) We finally got our wireless stuff figured out, thanks to the Comcast guy.... still waiting to buy a washer and dryer until we get our move money sorted out with the military. We've enjoyed some awesome meals at their house and good hang-out time. Sean likes all the meat Mom cooks in her meals. :) My penny-pinching, meat-stretching ways have been found out! (But as long as Sean is okay with upping our food budget, and he is, I am okay with cooking with more meat.) Caleb frequently asks for "Grammy cars," "Grammy hold you," and "see Papa?" We are really grateful to be near family, and not just for the free babysitting. :)

Caleb has been doing okay in his toddler bed. We have been trying it out since we moved, with varying results. The first few nights he did great! Now, occasionally he'll get up multiple times during the night... or come super early to our room and say something adorable like, "Daddy sleeping? Hello, Daddy," or my favorite, "Come out, Mommy? Mommy breakfast, please?" It's such a weird experience to hear something cute like that when you are soooo not fully awake yet, and wishing you could sleep some more. Part of me does enjoy his cuteness and treasures it away, and part of me is just very, very tired. He's been getting up at 6:30 most days this week... so I have too, for the most part. I realize that some people may not consider 6:30 to be excessively early, but I am admittedly not a morning person... and not really a night owl either. I'm more of a 9 a.m.-9 p.m. person! HA! Especially while pregnant....

Today he played with my night-table items until about 7:20, when I finally got up. The last few days this week at nap time, he has made a game out of seeing how many times Mommy will put him back in his bed! On Wednesday I lasted about an hour before giving up and letting him out to play. He was fine, in a cheerful mood the rest of the day, though yawning more than normal. Mommy was the grumpy one, from not getting her nap and her wishes being defied! Off and on I have been having difficulty sleeping lately (thankfully, it's not every night). One night I woke up at 4 a.m., wide awake, and just read on the couch until the day really started (we don't have a table lamp in the bedroom yet so I went in the other room to let Sean sleep). I've had some leg cramps and limb discomfort that keep me awake, or wake me up. But it makes me even more grateful when I do get good sleep. I am grateful too that I can safely enjoy a cup of coffee, and can stomach the taste/smell of it. During the first trimester, you aren't supposed to drink coffee, or consume caffeine from any source, really, because they think it might increase your chance of miscarriage-- I'm not sure how strong the link is between the two, but hey, it's worth refraining just in case. For awhile there (and I do love me my morning coffee!) I would make a cup, then take about two sips before not being able to drink any more. Thankfully, now I can enjoy it again, for whatever reason.

Anyway.... all that to say, I am usually tired at any point in the day, and trying to enjoy what free time I have, when Caleb is playing nicely with cars or trains, because I know those days are numbered. Soon, even if The Toddler is gainfully occupied, there will be an infant needing a feeding or a changing or a burping! It's still hard to believe. Even with feeling and looking increasingly pregnant, I still can't quite fathom the fact that there will be a new baby in our lives in less than four months. It will come soon enough, so I want to enjoy time with "just Caleb" as much as I can. Even if I am tired and NOT a fan of battles of wills.

It's really been a challenge for me lately, the stage he is in! I don't mind the outright kicking and screaming when he doesn't want to leave the park/beach/playground.... I just pick him up and away we go. Either other people will understand, or they won't. I am getting less and less worried about what other people think about my screaming child. The big tantrum is somehow easier to deal with because at this point I can somewhat control the outcome (by picking him up and walking away, or strapping him in his car seat, etc.) I don't try to reason with him or "ask nicely" for him to obey; I just "help" him obey. What gets my goat is the mischievous look he gets on his face when he is testing the boundaries, or the times he intentionally disobeys! He knows what we want him to do, and he does the opposite. Or throws food on the floor right after I just told him that was not okay. Repeatedly. That is the most tiring aspect of parenting, I think. Reinforcing things over and over. And staying patient when it is messy or exhausting or frustrating. It points us back to Christ, because we are not adequate for the task. He can help us, and give us wisdom, for which I am so thankful.

And now I am off to rest while Caleb naps! I lowered the mattress on the crib today, from the "infant" setting to "keeps in toddlers." He and I tried starting his nap in his bed today... then when he got up five minutes after I left, into the crib he went. He fussed for about five minutes, and is now quiet. I am totally okay with going back to the crib for awhile. There is no rule that says a child has to sleep in a toddler bed by a certain age, or ever. He will get more, better sleep this way... I will get a little time to rest or be otherwise productive. We are both happy when he wakes up-- win win!

We are pleased to announce...

God is blessing us with a baby GIRL! We are thrilled, and I am already starting to brainstorm a "kids' room"  decor scheme, something neither too girly nor overly masculine. (Current plan is Americana, with deep red, dark denim, and a creamy taupe. I can't wait to make a quilt for Caleb's bed!) We decided to make our second bedroom a guest/sewing room, and the third bedroom The Kids' Room. A toddler bed, crib, and bookshelf fit very nicely in it! :) She will probably be in our room for the first six months or so after she's born, so Caleb can still play in there unhindered. When Caleb was an infant, we used a co-sleeper next to our bed that worked very well for night-time feedings. He has still been sleeping in a crib in his room, since he hasn't tried to climb out yet (knock on wood), and has not yet slept in his toddler bed, but we are planning on trying it out tonight!

We have arrived safely in California, after a four-day road trip through Colorado, Utah, Arizona (very briefly), and Nevada. We have been staying with my parents until we get our house put together, and it is coming along nicely. I hope to download our pictures from the trip soon so I can put together a post with pictures! We saw some AMAZING, gorgeous Creation while we were traveling and I can't wait to share it.

During the trip, people (strangers) started asking me when I was due, so I think I am looking pregnant now. :) Definitely starting to feel pregnant! Like... walk a little funny, can't bend over pregnant. :)

It's bath time for Caleb, so I better go!!!

More soon!
M

20 weeks

I am officially 20 weeks along today! Now, at the halfway mark, it does seem like it has gone by quickly so far. If I could ask my 8-weeks-along self if it were going by quickly, I'm sure I would say no. :) That is one blessing from the move, that it's keeping me very preoccupied! I did tell Sean the other day, in a moment of weakness, that I am ready to feel normal again! You just feel weird and different when you are pregnant; there are so many little things that are minor discomforts, and sometimes painful symptoms, but not usually life-threatening. I have been having trouble with carpal tunnel, and tingliness in my hands and feet, partly due to retaining water,  partly due to circulation issues because your blood volume increases by 50%, and exacerbated by the heat we have experienced this summer-- high 90's for weeks in a row, without the afternoon thunderstorms that cool things off and display God's awesomeness. :) That is one thing I will miss about living here, the amazing weather! We do not have air conditioning, which I acknowledge is a luxury, and our house has gotten up to 89 degrees inside several times, only 5 or 10 degrees cooler than outside. There is no way I am even thinking about turning the oven on. (Now I understand the "yay, it's winter, I can bake again" sentiment. I never got it before.) I've been trying to drink lots of water.... and have resorted to going to Target or Barnes and Noble (with a Lego play area!) a few times, anything to get some cool air.

At my OB appointment today, I got weighed and blood-pressured and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat-- in the 150's, normal and good. It's been interesting to me (I've been treasuring these things in my heart) that each nurse/midwife I've seen has remarked how perfect and healthy this pregnancy is-- everything from my fundal height (top of the uterus), to the baby's heartbeat, to blood-test results. Maybe they say that fairly often, and I am just sensitive to the fact that it's not a given: positive pregnancy test, pregnancy, baby. Or maybe God is just blessing the socks off this new little baby before he/she is even born! At any rate, I am extremely grateful for each good report received.

It's weird to be concerned about not gaining enough weight! I have only gained about 5 lbs, and should be in the eight- to 11-pound range. Not a huge concern, but the midwife did recommend upping my calories a little bit, to shoot for 2300 a day; and to eat five to six smaller meals, not three big ones. Your digestive track (or is it tract?) slows down during pregnancy, probably so you can absorb as many nutrients as possible, but it can also result in less-pleasant side-effects. Ahem. And of course if you're not getting enough calories total, that can affect weight gain. My blood pressure was pretty low, 106/52, but she said that was normal for the second trimester. I usually have pretty low blood pressure anyway. I guess the real concern is high blood pressure.

Sean says he has felt kicks! The ones I feel from the inside are getting stronger and stronger! That helps it sink in for me that there's a real baby, a distinctly unique human being, in there. We may be able to find out tomorrow, if the baby cooperates, whether it is a boy or girl. It's not a 100% satisfaction guaranteed proposition, determining baby's sex by ultrasound, but usually it can be pretty definitive. :) Will Caleb retain his title as Only Male Grandchild On Both Sides??? Or will there be TWO Allen men-in-the-making? (Sean and I were talking the other day, prompted by a Focus on the Family broadcast about parenting teenagers (yikes!), and we decided we are going to see our children as men and women in the making, for that is the goal and the eventual reality, Lord willing!)

I will be sure to post what we find out tomorrow. :)

We leave the Springs in less than a week. I'm trying not to think about it, and trying not to fret about all the loose ends remaining. Christina encouraged me yesterday when sharing about her own endeavors to "choose joy" in the midst of a stretching season. There's always a choice... and right now, I am going to choose to take a nap! We have been staying up late recently and it is taking a toll.

Here's a 20-week picture! I have only taken a few of them this time around (something about having a toddler and a pending move and just being plain busy!). I was thinking I should try and include Caleb in the photos, as proof that I'm not recycling photos from my first pregnancy! ;) I'm grateful to have a pair of regular shorts that still fit. Some shirts still work, like this blue one... while others have been relegated to the back of the closet for now. Only 20 more weeks or so before we meet this new little person! I'm going to try and enjoy the journey, i.e. not complain about pregnancy discomforts and instead count my blessings.

I would be remiss if I didn't include a gratuitous shot of Caleb. I love him more and more each day! I'm so glad God gives you this overwhelming affection for your children. They need that buffer when they are in a particularly challenging season. :) Little goofball. His new skills are 1) jumping with both feet simultaneously, 2) singing along to the ABC song or Jesus Loves Me, 3) using possessives like "my turn" or "Mommy's feet," and 4) getting up onto Mommy and Daddy's bed all by himself. He will be two in less than six weeks!!!

Talk soon,

M

Why I walked away from Facebook

Well, I finally did it. I deactivated my Facebook account on July 17, 2012. Deactivating is not as permanent as deleting, but it is enough for me.

I needed to. I've known I needed to for some time now, but I didn't have the guts-- or the self-discipline?-- to do so. It was becoming almost addictive, the urge to check "just for a minute" and see what was new. I was starting to think in status-update format. I was becoming discontent, comparing my life to other people's. I was letting myself get distracted in the middle of tasks during weekends, so much so that Sean asked if I could refrain from hopping on Facebook at every little lull in our day. I was even feeling a little too exposed, self-inflicted of course, but exposed to the world in a way that is no longer appealing. In general, I don't really like being the center of attention, so why would I share with almost 500 people my random thoughts?? It just doesn't make sense any more.

Let me clarify a point: I don't think Facebook is evil, or always a waste of time. I love seeing pictures of my friends' kids and families; I love sharing about Caleb's activities; I love the ease and accessibility for staying in touch with people and even planning group events. What I don't love, however, is the waste of time it can become. It's a matter of "good, better, best" for me. At this point, I have decided that it is "better" to step away and remove at least one distraction from my life. There's still the big old Internet to wrestle with, but I'm okay with that (can't really get away from it, because it's so darn useful for looking up information in the phonebooks-all-but-obsolete era).

There are so many things I want to try, to learn, to do! I am starting to realize those things may never happen if I am squandering my life away, 15 minutes or an hour at a time, vegging on other people's updates. It adds up, and I am turning off the slow leak and tightening up the faucet to free up more time for other pursuits!

I want to learn to compost and start a garden. I want to read more, good brain-growing books about substantial topics, not just fiction (though that is enjoyable too). I want to sew more, maybe even to the point of it becoming a source of income. I want to write more, create more, plan ahead more. I want to learn how to make my own tortillas and pita bread and experiment with new foods. I want to be more focused, more efficient, and really work hard when I'm working.... as well as play hard when it's time to play, instead of sneaking in (guiltily) my reading of blogs or Web-surfing as a procrastination when I am supposed to be working.

After we move, I plan on working through Tsh Oxenreider's book, One Bite at a Time: 52 Projects for Making Life Simpler. Sean and I already do some of the projects, like make a monthly budget (#28), use the envelope system [taking out cash for variable expenses like food, haircuts, etc.] (#48), plan your menus (#5), cook staples from scratch (#26), and make a debt-free plan (#2). But there are many I'd like to incorporate into our lives, like.... create a family tradition (#46), eat locally (#43), streamline your mail [a big frustration for me!!] (#8),  plan weekly meetings with your spouse (#13), and schedule regular date nights [something we are really bad at] (#16). I think it will be fun to document our progress over the coming months. I don't know yet if I will try to put a time deadline on myself. I'm certainly not going to try for completing one project a week-- some may take longer than a week, some shorter, but I want it to remain fun and motivating, not a depressing chore to slog through the entire list on some self-imposed timetable where I get discouraged if I can't keep up. I also plan on switching things up and NOT going in order! Hopefully my Type A-ness can handle that. :) I know that life happens; things come at us that we didn't anticipate and we have to compensate. Even things you know are coming can throw you for a loop, i.e. new baby. :) But I also know that hard things are often the most rewarding.

I think I'm getting better at focusing already! I refrained from checking my e-mail during the entirety of the creation of this post, even though I could see the (1) on my e-mail tab beckoning to me, Read me!!! Open me!!! Life will not be complete until you have no new messages!

Um, not true. That's another thing I'm going to work on at some point... Project #27: streamline your e-mail. No need to check it 20 times a day. That too can feel almost like an addiction. When I start this particular project, I'm going to try twice a day, so I really "have time" to answer things instead of just reading them and not responding.

I will keep you posted! Look forward to more blog posts in the future-- my minimum goal is a monthly synopsis of our family's adventures, but I'm pretty sure I will be posting more frequently, now that I will have more time at my disposal. It's so liberating already!!

Talk soon. :)
M

Baby journal-- April/June 2012

Since we didn't share our news for the longest time, here is a weekly recap. :) I wrote a little bit each week as it happened, so it would be in-the-moment fresh.


Easter Sunday:
Expected period did not arrive. I'm a little incredulous and hesitant-- maybe it's just a day or two late. We weren't trying!! In fact I wanted to NOT try to conceive! Once it was a week late, I figured I must be pregnant. Nausea pretty much confirmed it. Still no period at about five weeks from LMP.


6 weeks (4/18): 
Still in denial! Haven't taken a test yet, because then I might fret more. That strategy seems to be working-- I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. Seems very surreal.


7 weeks (4/28): 
Well, I'm about 7 1/2 weeks along, and feeling pretty nauseous pretty regularly. I've only thrown up twice so far, though!

Predominant thought: I don't want to go through this again!!

Having had two miscarriages definitely impacts my perspective. This time around, I am trying to shift my thinking from, "Man, this stinks, feeling bad all the time," to "Thank you, God, for the opportunity to carry this life for one more day." There is no guarantee for tomorrow, even if you've never had a miscarriage, even if you give birth to a perfectly healthy baby (or babies)-- something could happen at any time, to any of us. God has numbered every person's days, and He is all-powerful and completely wise and good. He knows how many hairs are on our heads. We can trust Him with all the unknowns, trust Him with the future that He has already planned out. He has already arrived there! (Not sure how theologically accurate that statement is, since He transcends time... but the intent is that there is no time or place where He is not.) We don't have to fret over what might happen, because He is present there, overseeing it all with His tender gaze. Wow, what a thought.

Only a few weeks until my first OB appointment (they like to schedule the first visit for between 10-12 weeks), and then a few more weeks until we will be past the first trimester, which should mean everything will be okay. Again, there are no guarantees and I am trying to guard my expectations.

After all, I know now that you can feel pregnant-- nausea, growing tummy, fatigue-- even when the baby is no longer healthy. I know now to wait to announce the good news publicly until after at least the first ultrasound. I know now that God's ways are not my ways. I know now that He still loves me and loves each and every little one conceived in every womb. I know now that He brings comfort in anguish and grief and loss.

My mind is full of questions about this pregnancy, but I am choosing to not obsess over them, because they are impossible questions. Is it God's will for us to keep this baby? Will we be able to meet this little one this side of Heaven? Why did He choose for me to get pregnant now, when I wanted to wait before trying again? (That one is more easily deciphered-- perhaps He wants to grow my trust in Him and force me to let go of my fears of losing another baby.) What about foster care? We thought that was God's plan for us for now, after the last miscarriage in February. We were obedient to pursue it, even though we were pregnant, then the miscarriage happened and it seemed to make sense. The Dept. of Human Services won't even certify pregnant couples for full-time foster care. Because God is knitting a baby in me now, not due to our "trying to conceive," why would He potentially let it die? Will He let it die? I know I can't use my own logic to figure out God's purposes. It could drive me crazy trying to make sense of this.

I have to come back to the thoughts in the paragraph above: He is all-powerful and completely wise and good... He is present everywhere, overseeing it all with His tender gaze.


I don't have a lot of answers, just faith; and some time to endure before it will become more clear. Until then, I thank God for each day, and thank Him for the little things.

8 weeks (5/2):
It's hard to believe you can be more than halfway through the first trimester and still not sure if you should get excited. My first appointment will be on May 10th (eight days!), but that's just a paperwork appointment, no ultrasound. I think at that appointment I can schedule my first ultrasound (do you have any openings for "ASAP"?). Each day there is no bleeding, I take that as a good sign. Not a guarantee, but one of the few outwardly-observable measures of how a pregnancy's doing. Still feeling nauseous and exhausted, so that is good. With the first miscarriage, I suddenly felt normal one day, and started miscarrying shortly after. I know I am more easily irritated at Caleb's childishness than I would otherwise be, from sheer fatigue. I have gotten pretty annoyed at how often he has dropped heavy things on my toes the last few days! He's not being malicious, he just brings me a board book or a truck, and can't keep his grip on it.

Right now I'm using precious nap time to write instead of rest! ... I have a short attention span, so I just checked Google Reader and looked at some blogs, taking a break from writing one. Geez, how do I ever get anything done? One thing I want to change in my habits is spending the first hour of Caleb's nap surfing the Web, mostly a waste of time. Today I did look up "how to braid challah" and found a video, which took about 10 minutes total... The rest was not super profitable. Browsing "news" on Yahoo is not what I consider profitable, yet I keep doing it because I must enjoy the opportunity to veg and not think about anything important. I really need to be more disciplined. :)

One other thought that's been weighing on my mind recently: the further along you are, the more traumatic a "pregnancy loss"-- both physically and emotionally. ER visits are not convenient. Major cramping is quite painful. Losing a child, even from the womb, is devastating. Yet God is holy and perfect and all-powerful and good. We can know that whatever He allows is for a purpose-- and we can know that the suffering now, in the waiting, is for a purpose. Maybe I am just weak, but I consider waiting a form of trial. Surely not as severe as other types of suffering, but still a taste of it. Waiting is hard for us (me?). I wonder how many times the Word exhorts us to wait. Wait for what? Wait on the Lord.

9 weeks (5/9):
Well, my OB appointment has now been cancelled and rescheduled twice, with a current date of next Tuesday,  May 15th. I really was doing okay with the waiting! I felt almost completely peaceful about it. Then to get a call the morning of my 3 p.m. appointment (May 10th) with the news that my provider was sick; big bummer but "okay, I can take this in stride." I decided to take the gamble of rescheduling for the next day at 8 a.m., even though she might still be sick. Well, the next day I dropped off Caleb with Christina at 7:30 a.m. (a big feat to get out the door that early, I think, even though I had told her I'd be there at 7:15-- this pregnant lady does not like to get moving before, say, 9 a.m., especially with nausea, fatigue, and a sick-and-needing-attention hubby still in bed at home today...) and headed to the clinic 20 minutes away. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail. Please let it be Sean. It was Melanie at the clinic, very apologetic that she had just found out when she arrived for the day that this nurse is still out... and she's the only person at this particular clinic who does intake appointments (what they call the preliminary paperwork appointment). She tried, but wasn't able to reach anyone at Evans, the Army hospital at the far south end of town, the only other military OB option, to see if they had any openings that day. Welp, at least I can pick up the paperwork packet and not have to come early next time. I did, and rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday-- by then I will be almost 10 weeks along. Just four more days to wait. It could either be no sweat, or very challenging! I figure, God saw that I was exercising some trust in Him, so he upped the ante so I could grow even more. A few more reps, at a higher weight, builds more muscle, right?

Speaking of weights... I was reading a pregnancy book recently and was struck with the urgency of working out more--okay, at all-- by phrases like "bounce back," "smoother labor and delivery," and "toned muscles." Just like with Caleb, this first trimester I have struggled with intense fatigue, often crashing right after dinner, and taking a nap or a rest every day during his naptime. But, with the looming fright of a potentially-difficult L and D, I mustered up the energy to go for a 30-minute walk yesterday (5/10). It was absolutely gorgeous outside-- 80 degrees, sunny, puffy clouds, green grass, whispering trees. It was great, and I didn't feel too worn out afterward, either. I did take a killer nap when we got back, but hey, maybe being a little more active will help me sleep better. (I've been having really weird dreams lately! And hip pain. And heartburn.) I already feel better about my decision to start exercising more consistently, knowing that 1) I will gain weight at a safer rate if I am exercising, 2) toned muscles help improve your posture, especially with all the weird things that are going on inside you, and 3) it prepares your body for the stamina it will need to deliver that baby! I don't have a Y membership for nothing! In fact, I plan to go for a walk when Caleb wakes up.

That's the physical status report... emotionally, I know I am out of whack because I cried at a "military spouse appreciation day" e-mail.

10 weeks (5/16):
Well, my OB appointment happened!!! I was able to meet with the nurse who was sick last week, and she felt so bad about having to cancel that she managed to grovel with the sonographer lady and squeeze me in for a little ultrasound! This is what I had the privilege of seeing:

A healthy, living baby with two little arms and two little legs-- and the cutest feet! His/her heartbeat was 179, healthy and good, right in the normal range. I must admit I was pretty surprised to see a healthy baby inside me. I was all but ready for the sonographer to say, "There's nothing in there."

But God was gracious in more ways than one! I wasn't expecting an ultrasound at that appointment. In fact, I have a longer 50-minute appointment now scheduled for May 21st where they do lots of lovely stuff involved with an "OB physical" (including something that rhymes with map beer, hate those). So not only do we have a healthy wee one, we got to see it! Well, I got to see it. Sean was at work. God could have made me wait until the 21st, and that would have been okay. But the wait was mercifully shortened, and I can even be thankful for the initial cancellations since they might have had a tiny part in my nurse's sympathy.

11 weeks (5/23)
I worked out with my friend Christina today at the YMCA-- about an hour of weights, woo hoo! I have been easily light-headed lately, especially when I don't drink enough water. It felt good to strength train! We (Sean and Cameron and I) did a 10k last Saturday! I felt very tired most of the way, but didn't push myself too hard. I had only run a couple times in the several weeks prior to the race. When I felt tired or out of breath, I walked. The first four miles were uphill, so I figured it would have been a challenge even if I weren't pregnant. They guys were super-awesome studs and stayed with me for most of it. I had them go on ahead when I had to walk after the first 20+ minutes, then when they reached the turn-around point and were heading down while I was still heading up, they stayed with me for the rest of the race. It was a lot of fun!! We got to talk and joke and hang out. We went to Panera afterward for something hot, since it had rained and hailed shortly after we finished the race! We got a little wet running to our cars. God was very gracious to cause the rain to hold off until after we were finished!

I was very happy to realize recently that I have not been nauseous much at all lately!! Just very, very, very tired. Naps are essential! When I don't lie down during Caleb's nap, I seem to barely make it through dinner and have trouble getting up from the couch. All I want to do is sit and do nothing. But we are so thankful there is a healthy baby inside me!! It is hard to believe. I can't wait to start feeling kicks. It's also hard to believe there are only two more weeks left in the first trimester! We are looking forward to telling friends and extended family. Still haven't reached Sean's brother and sister-in-law in Italy!

12 weeks (5/30)
Well, we have made it to this milestone, where supposedly the risk of miscarriage goes WAY down. That is pretty exciting! And still surreal to me. Anything can still happen, I know, and I also know that God is completely in control. But I am thankful for today. Each day that nothing happens is a good day. A small part of me still isn't ready to get totally behind the idea of being pregnant-- which is weird, putting it that way.  It doesn't matter if I "get behind the idea," because it is a reality whether I believe it or not! I wonder when I will stop wondering. Maybe never. Maybe once you have something bad happen, you are more aware of the everyday possibilities. We shouldn't let fear paralyze us or steal our joy, but it does sober you to realize that really painful, really hard things can and do happen in our lives, or our friends' or family members' lives. I do want to enjoy and appreciate each day, each moment, as much as I can. We shouldn't assume we can control our circumstances or other people.

I guess I just have to assume everything is okay unless 1) one of those miscarriage "signs" shows up, at which point I call the doctor and/or go to an ER, and until 2) my 20-week ultrasound, only about 8 weeks away (which is also the gender-revealing ultrasound, WOW).

I am also wondering if the second-trimester energy has hit early! We went camping last weekend over Memorial Day, and though I was tired during the trip and a few days after we got back, today I have been cleaning and putting things away and folding and washing and baking all day long, and am still feeling good at 3 pm! I think I will lie down at least for a little while, before Caleb wakes up, just to make sure I have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

13 weeks (6/6):
My jeans are starting to get uncomfortably tight! That's a good sign, I think... even though it means I will soon enter the no-(wo)man's land of "none of my clothes fit right." Maternity clothes are still too big; regular clothes are too small. Oh well. Definitely not going to complain about making it this far! I still think about it as "making it to __ weeks." I bought some gummy prenatal vitamins, which is the best invention EVER! Who ever thought a nauseous pregnant lady could stomach a huge horse pill that makes you more nauseous after you take it? They are humongous. So I wasn't very good about making myself take them, hoping that a healthy diet would be enough (I think I took a total of 3 during the first trimester). Now I can still eat healthy AND get some vitamin reinforcements. Bought Caleb some gummy bear vitamins too... and I keep catching Sean eating them like candy.

14-15 weeks (6/25):
I'm just now starting to maybe look a little bit pregnant. But not to the point where anyone would say something-- anyone with good manners, at least! I'm looking forward to my 16-week appointment, where I will hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler device and talk to the midwife. I've gained about 4 pounds total so far, right on track. I've been working out somewhat consistently (2-3 times a week), but do have trouble with lightheadedness when I do weights. I just drink lots of water and take lots of breaks. Christina and her husband Wes are in the process of adopting a baby boy, so she won't be able to be my Y partner anymore. Sad for me, amazingly awesome for them. Little Josiah was born on June 20th and I am so happy for them!!!!

Present
Well... I'm now at almost 19 weeks and feeling pretty normal, just tired a lot. I think the pregnancy symptoms are less shocking, having done this before. I'm not surprised when they show up, and they have been pretty mild so far. I've been feeling kicks the last few weeks, and they are getting more frequent. Sean has yet to feel them from the outside, sadly. Soon! My 16-week appointment went really well. Caleb and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat (in the 160's, normal and good), and my provider even let Caleb "try." He was lifting his shirt and saying, "belly? belly?" so she put the Doppler device over his heart and we heard his heartbeat! I'm always grateful when people are kind to my son. :) 


I have one more regular check-up before our PCS... and dun duh duh... THE ultrasound where we find out the baby's sex will be on July 26th!!! That happens to be one of the days we will have packers at our house... but that was the only available appointment until mid-August, so I took it. Hopefully we can find someone to watch our house (and Caleb!) for a couple hours while we go to the appointment at Evans an hour away. Super exciting. I think less and less about something bad happening to the baby. It still doesn't seem real that we will have another child in our lives soon. Maybe after the ultrasound when we know whether it'll be a boy or a girl it will sink in. I catch myself saying, "after the baby's born..." just like "after we move..." but neither of those seem real yet. Probably some time after they happen it will finally register.

Changes...

We've had some big changes in our family lately, and I'm not sure I've shared them with everyone, so here goes!

On May 15th, we got to see an ultrasound of a healthy, wiggly 9-week old baby in my tummy.

On May 21st, we got notified that we are PCSing to California this August.

New baby, new move, all in one week! I have a separate post journaling my thoughts on the pregnancy each week (shocked! scared! frustrated! cautiously optimistic! waiting! thrilled!), and will post that soon. I am currently about 19 weeks along, and feeling kicks more and more now! It's been a ride. I'll save the rest for the actual baby post. :)

On the other "big news" front, we will be moving in about two weeks. The last several weeks since we found out have flown by, as I knew they would. We are making progress on nailing things down-- we have a house to rent in Santa Maria, we have scheduled the packers to come-- but we still have some big items to finish: the back patio project that's about 43% complete :), finding renters for our home here in Colorado, etc. I am working at trusting God with the details, trusting Him to give us wisdom in doing our part in accomplishing those things. We are thankful for God's provision in so many ways. It will be an adventure, for sure.

It's very bittersweet to be leaving Colorado. It's our first home in our married life, the place Caleb was born, where we bought our first house, where many of our dear friends are, where beautiful mountains surround us. We love it here, and it has truly become "home." We know God has new plans for us, but it's okay to grieve the loss of a good thing, too. Colorado has been a very good thing for us.

I am excited about the trip to California-- we plan to stop by a few scenic locations along the way! I have wanted to see Arches National Park near Moab, Utah for a long time-- since we got married, really. I did a report on the park in sixth grade (which we realized recently was 15 years ago! yikes), and it's always kind of stuck with me as a place I'd like to see someday. We didn't stop by on our way from California to Colorado three years ago after we got married.... so now we are going to go see it! The other scenic place we plan on seeing is Maroon Bells, Sean's big dream. :) He really, really wanted to do a four-day backpack trip this summer along a 28-mile trail called Four Pass Loop, but it never worked out. Maroon Bells is a group of peaks that are "among the most-photographed scenes in Colorado." If you see a picture of Colorado, it's probably Maroon Bells. So we are going to spend our first night of the roadtrip in Aspen, CO, which is near Maroon Bells... and our second night near Arches. Very exciting. We'll see how Caleb does with all the driving!

So our life right now is quite busy and different! I am so glad to have my little (growing) family with me. God has been very good to us, in the midst of trials and challenges. He is always there, always faithful, always good.