I'm back!

Hello! So... it's been awhile. :) I dropped blogging shortly before my sweet boy Caleb was born, but now feel that I have both the time and inclination to resume writing and posting, especially since he's been taking such good naps during the day! (much rejoicing...)

Life is really hard and really messy sometimes. God is really good and really strong all the time. That's a good way to sum up recent life, I think. I've decided to be real and actively include Sean's daughter Nalani on this blog. She's part of our life, and it feels fake and sanitized to be silent on that front. The situation provides a constant challenge to love someone who is antagonistic toward you (Nalani's mother), and to actively practice trusting God to be sovereign, wise, and loving, as we know He is. We had a wonderful visit with Nalani over Christmas, so I would like to post some pictures of our time with her. Stay tuned!

I've been working at getting over my aversion to running outside in the winter weather. California has spoiled me. :) So far, I've run five or six times with gloves, ear warmers, hoodie, underarmour long-sleeve shirt and pants. It's still kind of a weird feeling to run with so many clothes on, but it feels so good to get some heart-pumping exercise. (Last time I took off the gloves about 10 minutes into it.) We Skype with Nalani twice a week for about 15 minutes each, Thursdays and Sundays, so on Thursdays Sean gets to come home a little early from work. We've been trying to arrange it so I go for a run after we Skype while Sean watches Caleb, so that's at least twice a week we have a time slot for me to run! I can now handle temps in the 30's-- have tested that hypothesis! Temps in the 20's... haven't attempted yet. I read an article that claimed the burning-lung-and-throat feeling you get from the cold air goes away over time. Sounds fun, right? Sean and I plan to sign up for a St. Patrick's Day 5k in the Springs, as extra motivation. I can run for about 30 minutes straight now, but it's very s-l-o-w. Taking a year off from running means you gotta work back up to both rate and distance! I am thankful that I seem to have lost the baby weight (it's hard to tell sometimes with those winter "survival instinct" cravings that cause you to gain a protective layer of fat to survive the cold!).

I've also been trying new recipes! Soon to come, posts on:
Sweet Potato Ragout
Orange Barley Chicken
Homemade Cinnamon Rolls
Chicken Caesar Salad (w/ homemade dressing and homemade croutons!)

Thanks for listening. :) Until next time...

What would you do...

...if your husband, who normally gets home from work at 6:30 a.m., was not home when you woke up at 7 a.m.? And if your husband's cell phone was currently not working, so he didn't have it with him?

I decided to get up, make breakfast, do my normal Bible study workbook, and try not to worry. About every five minutes, I'd pray, God, please keep him safe.

I made breakfast, sat down to eat it, and looked at the clock. I attempted to journal some in my workbook, and looked at the clock. God, please keep him safe. He's probably fine. I did some dishes, then went and washed my face, trying to maintain a normal morning routine (and looked at the clock).

I debated about whether to call the ops floor to see if he was still at work.

I decided to wait until 9 a.m. to call, and in the meantime, rehearsed what I'd say: Hi, may I speak to the MC [guy in charge], please? Hi, sir, this is Marisa Allen. My husband, Lt Sean Allen, is teaching a mid-shift course in the Mod 5/6 sim, and he hasn't come home yet. Could you please see if anyone knows where he is? (I'd feel pretty sheepish making that call, which is most of the reason I was going to wait so long.)

I thought, maybe his car broke down somewhere along the way-- 14 miles of pretty-rustic roads, replete with cow fields, cracked asphalt, and not much traffic. The base is out in the boonies, but people do work there, so maybe someone will drive by. And he's got no cell phone, so he either has to wait for that someone to stop, or try and find a farm or somebody with a telephone.

I wondered if I should drive out along the route he normally takes and see if that was in fact the case: stranded husband ran out of gas halfway home.

I thought, maybe they locked down the portals (telephone-booth-like structures dividing the "restricted area" where he works from the rest of the base) and they're not letting anyone in or out. This happens somewhat often, delaying people for 30 or 45 minutes, or more.

I thought about calling my mom: um, Sean's not home yet. Do you think I should call the ops floor? Or can you pray for me? But it was pretty early in the morning and I didn't want to alarm her unnecessarily. Again, feeling sheepish.

I wondered how long it would take our extended circles of friends to find out about his untimely demise (assuming he'd been mugged, in a car accident, or whatever). Would they find out on Facebook? How awful. Where would we have the funeral? I know he doesn't want to have a military funeral. The squadron will suffer with losing another member-- we went to a memorial service for one of Sean's peers just last month, a suicide. At least I have a black maternity dress. I don't want to have this baby by myself!! I really don't want to be without him! I'll raise a fatherless child! Will someone marry me someday? How will I get through the grief? Should I stay in Colorado? Move back to California? Get a job? Sell the house, pay off the house? Who do I ask for help with those decisions, since Sean is my best friend and co-decision-maker?

By 8:30, I was tired of wandering around the house with my thoughts, unsettled. I had the cell phone in hand, literally about to call, when the front door opened and in walked my husband, in his flightsuit, backpack on, perfectly fine. He was a little surprised when I walked over, clung to him and burst into tears. I wouldn't say I was hysterical, but I was definitely shaken. I knew, even at that time, that I was probably over-reacting, and he'd have every reason to wonder why I was crying so hard. Good morning to you, too? I wasn't mad at him, just torn up at the thought of losing him. He held me and shushed me and was very patient. (Can I blame pregnancy hormones on this?)

Turns out, he had decided to take care of some paperwork after his shift ended, and it took awhile. But he was fine, and it hadn't occurred to him to call and let me know he was staying later-- didn't occur to him his wife would let her worries explode and rob her of peace as the minutes crept by. He was very apologetic, had no idea it would be so traumatic for me, and we've established that he'll try to call if his schedule changes, and I'll choose not to worry. :)

This whole incident is a great example of NOT trusting God, NOT taking captive my thoughts. I was trying to pray, kinda sorta, but still didn't "think on what is true." I wasn't exactly successful at banishing the scary thoughts I was having. Absolutely nothing bad happened, but I was antsy and tense, and I hated not knowing.

That's what faith is for: trusting something you can't see, choosing to believe it's sturdy enough to bear the burden of your trust. And that's our struggle, having an incomplete picture, always incomplete, with facts and insights missing, though we trust they are there. We trust there is someone bigger, wiser, more powerful than we are who is not only powerful, but good and perfect and capable of bringing about the absolute best outcome. "Best" doesn't mean the same thing to us as it does to God, because we wonder how suffering could ever be good, but we can know He will work all things for good.

Hopefully my little story is entertaining, but more importantly, I hope it's an encouragement to trust God. Even when we don't know the details. Especially when we don't know the details. 'Cause you know what? Even if something bad had happened to Sean, it would be okay. God would sustain me, and everyone else who would grieve. God could even bring good out of it, somehow, in that crazy way of His. We do have hope for the future, not only hope that we will see Sean again, but hope that there is life beyond this one! If we have hope in Christ, we have the certainty of being forgiven, of being accepted by God not on merit of our good deeds, but because the blood of Christ covers us. We don't have to pin all our happiness on an earthly life, nor should we. It's not about our efforts of being good, earning love, or pleasing people. It's not even about being married for a lifetime-- as much as I do want to have many, many years together with my sweet love. Even a lifetime is a limited quantity of time, versus eternity, which is, well, eternal.

Anyway, it's too late to remain coherent, so I will end here, for now. Hopefully next time something like this happens, I'll remember this whole episode and choose a different response when bombarded with irrational fears. :)

Luke and Emily Hawkins

The Wedding

Luke D. Hawkins and Emily D. Forman got married on July 17, 201o-- exactly nine months after Sean and I got married on Oct. 17, 2009-- at the Cayucos Creek Barn in Cayucos, CA. It was a beautiful wedding, expressive, emotive, and very vintage, just like they are. One extremely neat feature was their guest book: a mint-green typewriter on which guests could peck out a line or two (see photo at top-right, my dear friend Amie demonstrating her technique). The bride and groom included thoughtful touches like lighting candles for both Luke's dad and sister, who have passed away, as well as diverse readings by four of their friends-- one, a Scripture passage; one, an excerpt from a book; another, reading a humorous one-line quote. I always appreciate how weddings remind me of my own vows. Now that I am married, I don't have to wistfully wonder if the pastor's words will someday apply to me. Instead, I see those words as a charge, to renew my own commitment to my husband and remember the ultimate aim of marriage on earth: to reflect the beauty of Christ and the Church, His tender love for His Bride and her devotion to her groom.

The Back Story
Luke and I go way back, and it's hard to imagine a truer friend. We have had deep discussions about A.W. Tozer and C. S. Lewis (all great theological writers seem to have initials for names); we took French together for three years in high school; we went to coffee; we went to plays put on by the local junior college, one of which-- Crazy for You-- sparked a "define the relationship" talk, which culminated in "just friends." In fact, we took a couple classes together both at good ole Allan Hancock College (aforementioned j.c.) as well as The Master's College, where I got my degree. We were both English majors for a time, until I defected to Liberal Studies. He finished his English BA at Cal Poly SLO, a university not far from Santa Maria. He's a sensitive soul, a "thoughtful thinker" and articulate writer, the depth of whose insights are much too deep for me. Even his penmanship is careful and calligraphic.

At one point, I would have said our personalities were all-but-identical, but after high school our lives diverged and vastly different experiences shaped each of us. We were kindred spirits, good friends, peas in a pod. After some time, I felt like we had both changed so much that I no longer understood him quite as well, but that did not negate our historical friendship. I am very thankful for him, because he pours out his life into other people. He has suffered great grief and his character is strong. He loves well, and I am certain his life will be well-spent. I am ecstatic he now has a life-partner to share it with! Emily is an incredible person, I am certain. No mediocre, indifferent soul could be a match for Luke. I am very thankful I was able to witness the beginning of their marriage.

Baby Shower, CA-style

In mid-July I was privileged to be able to go to CA for a week to visit my parents (and gobs of other people!). Among the activities on our itinerary were the wedding of my dear friend Luke (one of my "oldest" friends; we've been friends since 9th grade) and a baby shower for the newest Allen-to-be. Both activities were part of a whirlwind weekend that went by way too fast, but it was a ton of fun. Wedding post to come, but for now, BABY!


A sampling of the amazing food prepared by my amazing mother

I just thought this picture was funny. Joy, the diligent note-taker (and a dear friend of Sean and me), and.... me, being goofy as usual. With one of many too-cute tiny boy outfits. We have been so blessed by people's generosity and thoughtfulness!

My artistic grandma, Athene, whose coastal paintings grace our hallways. My paternal grandparents live in Redlands, about a four hours' drive south, and they were able to come up for the day! Poor Grandpa was sequestered away upstairs while all the estrogen invaded the house (it was LOUD and busy with all those ladies!), but I don't think he minded too much; he did get a nice nap.

Family portrait!

Sean was able to come to CA for the weekend, for which we were so thankful. I'm really glad we all get along so well. It was really neat to be able to visit Santa Maria together, since I have come out a time or two by myself. We very much enjoyed our time "back home"-- Sean lived there for nine months, I lived there for about 12 years, but we both have good memories of the Central Coast, for many reasons. It doesn't hurt that's where we met, right? We always enjoy being pampered by our parents, too. :) Now, being a wife, I very much appreciate being cooked-for and taken care of.

Cooking is currently one of my greatest joys (honestly!), but sometimes it's nice to "help" in the kitchen, without having to mastermind the "what's for dinner" plan. Mom's an awesome cook, and no, I'm not saying that just because she reads this blog (hi, Mom!). I'm so glad she passed on that love of cooking to me. Sean even told me today, I hope you don't stop cooking. My response was, as I looked over at the pot bubbling on the stove, Oh, it doesn't need to be stirred for another few minutes. He meant "don't stop" as in, "please don't get tired of it a couple years from now." I hope that never happens! I know it can be difficult to come up with new, exciting, healthy meals involving the same old chicken... but I have some resources at my disposal, everything from cooking magazines to blogs. One blog I've recently discovered is written by two sisters who attended my college (one of whom lived in my dorm!), and it's been extremely helpful so far! They write about frugal, healthy cooking, which is right up my alley. I want to learn and get better at it, since I'm just starting out. It's called Near to Nothing, and I heartily recommend you check it out.

So, to sum up, the baby shower was awesome, and cooking is awesome. And my diamond ring is really sparkly. :) Sometimes I still can't believe this is my life now. I think I've gotten used to being married, somewhat, so it's not a shock every morning when I wake up in a big bed (not my old twin bed) with a ring on my finger and a pretty-amazingly-wonderful-handsome-affectionate husband. Life will only get more interesting as our family grows! The other day I was trying to picture having an eight-year-old offspring (for whatever reason). I can almost picture having a baby as part of our family (though that thought is still kind of hazy), but it's hard to imagine caring for an elementary-school-age child, or even a kindergartner who can TALK and write and read! Good thing they grow gradually. And good thing God's mercies are new every morning! We're going to need all the help we can get. It's a good adventure.

Camouflage, journaling, and prayer

So we were at Barnes and Noble one day and came across this journal... which happened to closely resemble my top! Mimicry is not just for the animal kingdom, I suppose. We always enjoy our window-shopping dates, whether at BN or Home Depot. In this case, we did buy a journal (a different one, not this purple one) to start writing letters in it to Nalani, since we can't see her or talk to her very often at this point. We have also started writing little notes to Caleb in a separate journal. We plan on having a special journal for each of our children to read when they are older (perhaps to be bestowed on a significant birthday or milestone?), with our thoughts and hopes recorded for them, both Mommy and Daddy's writings! We think it will be a way for them to get to know us as we were before they were born, or when they were too little to remember: the anticipation we have of meeting them, the praying we do for them, our desires and dreams for their future, the love we have for them... and later, the funny things they will do and say; and the special, ordinary moments we hope to capture. Hopefully it will be a valuable treasure to each of them, not because their mom and dad are overly wise, but because we truly want them to understand our hearts and see how much we value them. In our marriage so far, the things Sean and I have prayed for most often have been "the house" (more specifically, guidance on where to live and whether/where to buy), our families, Sean's work, and our babies Nalani and Caleb. :) We pray every night for wisdom to be godly parents to them; that they would grow up to love and know God; that God would choose them to be His children; and that God would use us despite our sinfulness to shape them into godly people of faith. It's exciting and a little daunting, this adventure of parenthood; that's why we pray!

Sewing adventures in spinach green

I have now sewn rank on two flightsuits. :) Our buddy Cam asked me to work some magic on his flightsuit, after hearing I had sewn Sean's.


before

after

I must admit, I really enjoyed this project! Especially the second time around, when I sort of knew what I was doing... and when I wasn't under a time crunch of needing to get ready to go camping! (Remember our camping trip over Memorial Day?) I was very pleased with the results on Cam's flightsuit, particularly the green thread that matches so well it is almost invisible, a color officially named "Spinach." (Sean's rank still shows a minty-green thread that does not blend in very well, but it's what I had at the time.) I was so thrilled it matched so perfectly, after merely eye-balling the array of green threads in the store and picking one, fingers crossed. The fusible webbing I bought helps too, because it's pretty squirrely trying to sew such a small chunk of fabric on and keep the edges all tucked under neatly without being able to pin it in place due to the thickness. It's possible (sort of) to adhere the raw edges to the back of the rank, press, then sew in a little rectangle along the four sides. I will have to go back and redo Sean's flightsuit, so that it looks as good. Can't have my husband walking around with an inferior job. :)

By the time they make Captain, I should be a pro at this....

Summer Visitors

This summer, we have had the privilege of seeing several out-of-state visitors! We are so excited to be able to open our home, this home that God has given us. (We still marvel at the home we get to live in!) Before we moved in, we prayed every day that wherever we ended up, God would help us be hospitable and let us use our home for Him. I definitely want to be more proactive about having people over for dinner or a game night, but it's really nice when people just let you know they are stopping through your area and are willing to come see you!

In June, my dear college friend Kaitie stopped by overnight on her way from CA to NH (along with her friend Kathy and kitty Wesley, not pictured). In college she and I would often exchange back rubs to counteract those insidious studying-induced knots, or stop by each other's study carrels in the library for a little chat break, and even though we lived in different dorms, we were able to hang out quite a bit. She has a beautiful singing voice (we were in a big choir together, then later on she made it into Chorale, the more-selective 60-person group that goes on a tour every summer), and enjoyed studying biblical counseling (and even took a couple years of Greek). She ended up staying and working in Santa Clarita after we both graduated from college in 2006, so her apartment was the place I stayed whenever I'd come down for a weekend visit, which was fairly often the first year or so. She's got lots of good books on her bookshelves, and is now starting a new life-chapter back in New Hampshire, where her mom and brother live. It will be cool to see where God takes her!

In July, my mom's Uncle Stan and Aunt Phyllis stopped by during a big RV trip, where they visited Wyoming and Montana and all sorts of places over a period of several weeks. They were in Golden, CO and contacted me about a visit before they headed home to Visalia, CA. I'm so glad they thought of me and were willing to stop by for lunch! Sean was TDY in Utah at the time, but hopefully next time they can hang out with him too.

Quite recently, on August 5th, another dear college friend, Kristi, met me in Castle Rock for lunch! Her parents live in Littleton, CO, and she is currently out here visiting them (she and her husband Brian live in Santa Clarita, CA). She and I met the fall semester of our freshman year; we survived a Tues-Thurs 8 a.m. Old Testament Survey class together (completing the special project as a team, as well-- we designed and created a "choose your own adventure"-style booklet on Jonah), and we were wingmates to boot, living just a few doors down from each other. She's the sweetest person, very careful that her words are only positive or uplifting, and really wants to honor God with her life. She has been an elementary-school teacher for two years and spearheads a junior high girls' Bible study at her church. I was blessed to be in her wedding a few summers ago. :) She's also about 10 weeks behind me in her pregnancy, which is so exciting. I can't believe we are pregnant at the same time!! It's just a strange thought that we are sharing this life-phase too, in addition to those crazy college days. Kristi gives the best back rubs and was always willing to take a moment to talk in the hallway, or lend me midnight snacks or craft supplies. One more thing I can't neglect to mention.... the origins are long-forgotten, but somehow our nicknames are KK and MM. That's even how she is listed in my cell phone: simply "KK." I guess there are enough Katys and Kristis that she gets her own moniker.

It's been a good summer for visits! The Allen Fam B&B is always open for business, so come on down! I love catching up with "old" friends and seeing how we are different/older/wiser, and yet how we are still the same. I absolutely love it when you can pick right back up where you left off, with no awkwardness. God is good, and those conversations are always encouraging.