Baby journal-- April/June 2012

Since we didn't share our news for the longest time, here is a weekly recap. :) I wrote a little bit each week as it happened, so it would be in-the-moment fresh.


Easter Sunday:
Expected period did not arrive. I'm a little incredulous and hesitant-- maybe it's just a day or two late. We weren't trying!! In fact I wanted to NOT try to conceive! Once it was a week late, I figured I must be pregnant. Nausea pretty much confirmed it. Still no period at about five weeks from LMP.


6 weeks (4/18): 
Still in denial! Haven't taken a test yet, because then I might fret more. That strategy seems to be working-- I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. Seems very surreal.


7 weeks (4/28): 
Well, I'm about 7 1/2 weeks along, and feeling pretty nauseous pretty regularly. I've only thrown up twice so far, though!

Predominant thought: I don't want to go through this again!!

Having had two miscarriages definitely impacts my perspective. This time around, I am trying to shift my thinking from, "Man, this stinks, feeling bad all the time," to "Thank you, God, for the opportunity to carry this life for one more day." There is no guarantee for tomorrow, even if you've never had a miscarriage, even if you give birth to a perfectly healthy baby (or babies)-- something could happen at any time, to any of us. God has numbered every person's days, and He is all-powerful and completely wise and good. He knows how many hairs are on our heads. We can trust Him with all the unknowns, trust Him with the future that He has already planned out. He has already arrived there! (Not sure how theologically accurate that statement is, since He transcends time... but the intent is that there is no time or place where He is not.) We don't have to fret over what might happen, because He is present there, overseeing it all with His tender gaze. Wow, what a thought.

Only a few weeks until my first OB appointment (they like to schedule the first visit for between 10-12 weeks), and then a few more weeks until we will be past the first trimester, which should mean everything will be okay. Again, there are no guarantees and I am trying to guard my expectations.

After all, I know now that you can feel pregnant-- nausea, growing tummy, fatigue-- even when the baby is no longer healthy. I know now to wait to announce the good news publicly until after at least the first ultrasound. I know now that God's ways are not my ways. I know now that He still loves me and loves each and every little one conceived in every womb. I know now that He brings comfort in anguish and grief and loss.

My mind is full of questions about this pregnancy, but I am choosing to not obsess over them, because they are impossible questions. Is it God's will for us to keep this baby? Will we be able to meet this little one this side of Heaven? Why did He choose for me to get pregnant now, when I wanted to wait before trying again? (That one is more easily deciphered-- perhaps He wants to grow my trust in Him and force me to let go of my fears of losing another baby.) What about foster care? We thought that was God's plan for us for now, after the last miscarriage in February. We were obedient to pursue it, even though we were pregnant, then the miscarriage happened and it seemed to make sense. The Dept. of Human Services won't even certify pregnant couples for full-time foster care. Because God is knitting a baby in me now, not due to our "trying to conceive," why would He potentially let it die? Will He let it die? I know I can't use my own logic to figure out God's purposes. It could drive me crazy trying to make sense of this.

I have to come back to the thoughts in the paragraph above: He is all-powerful and completely wise and good... He is present everywhere, overseeing it all with His tender gaze.


I don't have a lot of answers, just faith; and some time to endure before it will become more clear. Until then, I thank God for each day, and thank Him for the little things.

8 weeks (5/2):
It's hard to believe you can be more than halfway through the first trimester and still not sure if you should get excited. My first appointment will be on May 10th (eight days!), but that's just a paperwork appointment, no ultrasound. I think at that appointment I can schedule my first ultrasound (do you have any openings for "ASAP"?). Each day there is no bleeding, I take that as a good sign. Not a guarantee, but one of the few outwardly-observable measures of how a pregnancy's doing. Still feeling nauseous and exhausted, so that is good. With the first miscarriage, I suddenly felt normal one day, and started miscarrying shortly after. I know I am more easily irritated at Caleb's childishness than I would otherwise be, from sheer fatigue. I have gotten pretty annoyed at how often he has dropped heavy things on my toes the last few days! He's not being malicious, he just brings me a board book or a truck, and can't keep his grip on it.

Right now I'm using precious nap time to write instead of rest! ... I have a short attention span, so I just checked Google Reader and looked at some blogs, taking a break from writing one. Geez, how do I ever get anything done? One thing I want to change in my habits is spending the first hour of Caleb's nap surfing the Web, mostly a waste of time. Today I did look up "how to braid challah" and found a video, which took about 10 minutes total... The rest was not super profitable. Browsing "news" on Yahoo is not what I consider profitable, yet I keep doing it because I must enjoy the opportunity to veg and not think about anything important. I really need to be more disciplined. :)

One other thought that's been weighing on my mind recently: the further along you are, the more traumatic a "pregnancy loss"-- both physically and emotionally. ER visits are not convenient. Major cramping is quite painful. Losing a child, even from the womb, is devastating. Yet God is holy and perfect and all-powerful and good. We can know that whatever He allows is for a purpose-- and we can know that the suffering now, in the waiting, is for a purpose. Maybe I am just weak, but I consider waiting a form of trial. Surely not as severe as other types of suffering, but still a taste of it. Waiting is hard for us (me?). I wonder how many times the Word exhorts us to wait. Wait for what? Wait on the Lord.

9 weeks (5/9):
Well, my OB appointment has now been cancelled and rescheduled twice, with a current date of next Tuesday,  May 15th. I really was doing okay with the waiting! I felt almost completely peaceful about it. Then to get a call the morning of my 3 p.m. appointment (May 10th) with the news that my provider was sick; big bummer but "okay, I can take this in stride." I decided to take the gamble of rescheduling for the next day at 8 a.m., even though she might still be sick. Well, the next day I dropped off Caleb with Christina at 7:30 a.m. (a big feat to get out the door that early, I think, even though I had told her I'd be there at 7:15-- this pregnant lady does not like to get moving before, say, 9 a.m., especially with nausea, fatigue, and a sick-and-needing-attention hubby still in bed at home today...) and headed to the clinic 20 minutes away. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I looked at my phone and saw I had a voicemail. Please let it be Sean. It was Melanie at the clinic, very apologetic that she had just found out when she arrived for the day that this nurse is still out... and she's the only person at this particular clinic who does intake appointments (what they call the preliminary paperwork appointment). She tried, but wasn't able to reach anyone at Evans, the Army hospital at the far south end of town, the only other military OB option, to see if they had any openings that day. Welp, at least I can pick up the paperwork packet and not have to come early next time. I did, and rescheduled the appointment for next Tuesday-- by then I will be almost 10 weeks along. Just four more days to wait. It could either be no sweat, or very challenging! I figure, God saw that I was exercising some trust in Him, so he upped the ante so I could grow even more. A few more reps, at a higher weight, builds more muscle, right?

Speaking of weights... I was reading a pregnancy book recently and was struck with the urgency of working out more--okay, at all-- by phrases like "bounce back," "smoother labor and delivery," and "toned muscles." Just like with Caleb, this first trimester I have struggled with intense fatigue, often crashing right after dinner, and taking a nap or a rest every day during his naptime. But, with the looming fright of a potentially-difficult L and D, I mustered up the energy to go for a 30-minute walk yesterday (5/10). It was absolutely gorgeous outside-- 80 degrees, sunny, puffy clouds, green grass, whispering trees. It was great, and I didn't feel too worn out afterward, either. I did take a killer nap when we got back, but hey, maybe being a little more active will help me sleep better. (I've been having really weird dreams lately! And hip pain. And heartburn.) I already feel better about my decision to start exercising more consistently, knowing that 1) I will gain weight at a safer rate if I am exercising, 2) toned muscles help improve your posture, especially with all the weird things that are going on inside you, and 3) it prepares your body for the stamina it will need to deliver that baby! I don't have a Y membership for nothing! In fact, I plan to go for a walk when Caleb wakes up.

That's the physical status report... emotionally, I know I am out of whack because I cried at a "military spouse appreciation day" e-mail.

10 weeks (5/16):
Well, my OB appointment happened!!! I was able to meet with the nurse who was sick last week, and she felt so bad about having to cancel that she managed to grovel with the sonographer lady and squeeze me in for a little ultrasound! This is what I had the privilege of seeing:

A healthy, living baby with two little arms and two little legs-- and the cutest feet! His/her heartbeat was 179, healthy and good, right in the normal range. I must admit I was pretty surprised to see a healthy baby inside me. I was all but ready for the sonographer to say, "There's nothing in there."

But God was gracious in more ways than one! I wasn't expecting an ultrasound at that appointment. In fact, I have a longer 50-minute appointment now scheduled for May 21st where they do lots of lovely stuff involved with an "OB physical" (including something that rhymes with map beer, hate those). So not only do we have a healthy wee one, we got to see it! Well, I got to see it. Sean was at work. God could have made me wait until the 21st, and that would have been okay. But the wait was mercifully shortened, and I can even be thankful for the initial cancellations since they might have had a tiny part in my nurse's sympathy.

11 weeks (5/23)
I worked out with my friend Christina today at the YMCA-- about an hour of weights, woo hoo! I have been easily light-headed lately, especially when I don't drink enough water. It felt good to strength train! We (Sean and Cameron and I) did a 10k last Saturday! I felt very tired most of the way, but didn't push myself too hard. I had only run a couple times in the several weeks prior to the race. When I felt tired or out of breath, I walked. The first four miles were uphill, so I figured it would have been a challenge even if I weren't pregnant. They guys were super-awesome studs and stayed with me for most of it. I had them go on ahead when I had to walk after the first 20+ minutes, then when they reached the turn-around point and were heading down while I was still heading up, they stayed with me for the rest of the race. It was a lot of fun!! We got to talk and joke and hang out. We went to Panera afterward for something hot, since it had rained and hailed shortly after we finished the race! We got a little wet running to our cars. God was very gracious to cause the rain to hold off until after we were finished!

I was very happy to realize recently that I have not been nauseous much at all lately!! Just very, very, very tired. Naps are essential! When I don't lie down during Caleb's nap, I seem to barely make it through dinner and have trouble getting up from the couch. All I want to do is sit and do nothing. But we are so thankful there is a healthy baby inside me!! It is hard to believe. I can't wait to start feeling kicks. It's also hard to believe there are only two more weeks left in the first trimester! We are looking forward to telling friends and extended family. Still haven't reached Sean's brother and sister-in-law in Italy!

12 weeks (5/30)
Well, we have made it to this milestone, where supposedly the risk of miscarriage goes WAY down. That is pretty exciting! And still surreal to me. Anything can still happen, I know, and I also know that God is completely in control. But I am thankful for today. Each day that nothing happens is a good day. A small part of me still isn't ready to get totally behind the idea of being pregnant-- which is weird, putting it that way.  It doesn't matter if I "get behind the idea," because it is a reality whether I believe it or not! I wonder when I will stop wondering. Maybe never. Maybe once you have something bad happen, you are more aware of the everyday possibilities. We shouldn't let fear paralyze us or steal our joy, but it does sober you to realize that really painful, really hard things can and do happen in our lives, or our friends' or family members' lives. I do want to enjoy and appreciate each day, each moment, as much as I can. We shouldn't assume we can control our circumstances or other people.

I guess I just have to assume everything is okay unless 1) one of those miscarriage "signs" shows up, at which point I call the doctor and/or go to an ER, and until 2) my 20-week ultrasound, only about 8 weeks away (which is also the gender-revealing ultrasound, WOW).

I am also wondering if the second-trimester energy has hit early! We went camping last weekend over Memorial Day, and though I was tired during the trip and a few days after we got back, today I have been cleaning and putting things away and folding and washing and baking all day long, and am still feeling good at 3 pm! I think I will lie down at least for a little while, before Caleb wakes up, just to make sure I have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

13 weeks (6/6):
My jeans are starting to get uncomfortably tight! That's a good sign, I think... even though it means I will soon enter the no-(wo)man's land of "none of my clothes fit right." Maternity clothes are still too big; regular clothes are too small. Oh well. Definitely not going to complain about making it this far! I still think about it as "making it to __ weeks." I bought some gummy prenatal vitamins, which is the best invention EVER! Who ever thought a nauseous pregnant lady could stomach a huge horse pill that makes you more nauseous after you take it? They are humongous. So I wasn't very good about making myself take them, hoping that a healthy diet would be enough (I think I took a total of 3 during the first trimester). Now I can still eat healthy AND get some vitamin reinforcements. Bought Caleb some gummy bear vitamins too... and I keep catching Sean eating them like candy.

14-15 weeks (6/25):
I'm just now starting to maybe look a little bit pregnant. But not to the point where anyone would say something-- anyone with good manners, at least! I'm looking forward to my 16-week appointment, where I will hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler device and talk to the midwife. I've gained about 4 pounds total so far, right on track. I've been working out somewhat consistently (2-3 times a week), but do have trouble with lightheadedness when I do weights. I just drink lots of water and take lots of breaks. Christina and her husband Wes are in the process of adopting a baby boy, so she won't be able to be my Y partner anymore. Sad for me, amazingly awesome for them. Little Josiah was born on June 20th and I am so happy for them!!!!

Present
Well... I'm now at almost 19 weeks and feeling pretty normal, just tired a lot. I think the pregnancy symptoms are less shocking, having done this before. I'm not surprised when they show up, and they have been pretty mild so far. I've been feeling kicks the last few weeks, and they are getting more frequent. Sean has yet to feel them from the outside, sadly. Soon! My 16-week appointment went really well. Caleb and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat (in the 160's, normal and good), and my provider even let Caleb "try." He was lifting his shirt and saying, "belly? belly?" so she put the Doppler device over his heart and we heard his heartbeat! I'm always grateful when people are kind to my son. :) 


I have one more regular check-up before our PCS... and dun duh duh... THE ultrasound where we find out the baby's sex will be on July 26th!!! That happens to be one of the days we will have packers at our house... but that was the only available appointment until mid-August, so I took it. Hopefully we can find someone to watch our house (and Caleb!) for a couple hours while we go to the appointment at Evans an hour away. Super exciting. I think less and less about something bad happening to the baby. It still doesn't seem real that we will have another child in our lives soon. Maybe after the ultrasound when we know whether it'll be a boy or a girl it will sink in. I catch myself saying, "after the baby's born..." just like "after we move..." but neither of those seem real yet. Probably some time after they happen it will finally register.

Changes...

We've had some big changes in our family lately, and I'm not sure I've shared them with everyone, so here goes!

On May 15th, we got to see an ultrasound of a healthy, wiggly 9-week old baby in my tummy.

On May 21st, we got notified that we are PCSing to California this August.

New baby, new move, all in one week! I have a separate post journaling my thoughts on the pregnancy each week (shocked! scared! frustrated! cautiously optimistic! waiting! thrilled!), and will post that soon. I am currently about 19 weeks along, and feeling kicks more and more now! It's been a ride. I'll save the rest for the actual baby post. :)

On the other "big news" front, we will be moving in about two weeks. The last several weeks since we found out have flown by, as I knew they would. We are making progress on nailing things down-- we have a house to rent in Santa Maria, we have scheduled the packers to come-- but we still have some big items to finish: the back patio project that's about 43% complete :), finding renters for our home here in Colorado, etc. I am working at trusting God with the details, trusting Him to give us wisdom in doing our part in accomplishing those things. We are thankful for God's provision in so many ways. It will be an adventure, for sure.

It's very bittersweet to be leaving Colorado. It's our first home in our married life, the place Caleb was born, where we bought our first house, where many of our dear friends are, where beautiful mountains surround us. We love it here, and it has truly become "home." We know God has new plans for us, but it's okay to grieve the loss of a good thing, too. Colorado has been a very good thing for us.

I am excited about the trip to California-- we plan to stop by a few scenic locations along the way! I have wanted to see Arches National Park near Moab, Utah for a long time-- since we got married, really. I did a report on the park in sixth grade (which we realized recently was 15 years ago! yikes), and it's always kind of stuck with me as a place I'd like to see someday. We didn't stop by on our way from California to Colorado three years ago after we got married.... so now we are going to go see it! The other scenic place we plan on seeing is Maroon Bells, Sean's big dream. :) He really, really wanted to do a four-day backpack trip this summer along a 28-mile trail called Four Pass Loop, but it never worked out. Maroon Bells is a group of peaks that are "among the most-photographed scenes in Colorado." If you see a picture of Colorado, it's probably Maroon Bells. So we are going to spend our first night of the roadtrip in Aspen, CO, which is near Maroon Bells... and our second night near Arches. Very exciting. We'll see how Caleb does with all the driving!

So our life right now is quite busy and different! I am so glad to have my little (growing) family with me. God has been very good to us, in the midst of trials and challenges. He is always there, always faithful, always good.

Run!

Today's forecast: 60's and mostly sunny; 100% chance of run in the afternoon.

We did it! Caleb and I went for a run... though I must say he gets the easy end of the deal. :) It was really windy, the kind of wind that snatches the breath out of your throat and causes temporary panic. It was also the type of wind that provides significant resistance! For precisely that reason, I chose to alter my Bullet out-and-back route by turning right instead of going straight down Bullet Road. When it's really windy and you're running outside, you know one half of your run will be pretty much miserable, and the other half will be a breeze (ha). You'll feel like you're flying when the wind is at your back. Well, I didn't want to start out with a miserably slow first half. So we turned right and had a cross-wind, somewhat challenging but not impossible to deal with. It was lovely! Overcast and windy, but not freezing! It was a great time. Here's how it went, in minutes.

1:45 -- starting to feel warmed up, muscles are remembering what they are supposed to do

4:45 -- tired legs, they remember too well!

10:10 -- rounding the final corner for the home stretch

12:45 -- done!

I consider this a smashing success. No collapsing strollers, no injuries, no walking, no tears of defeat. It was good. I am thankful for days like today where things actually go okay.

I'm considering signing up for the Bolder Boulder, supposedly the second-largest race in the US. I thought I saw that stat on the web site, but now I can't find it (it's always good to verify your facts...). This year's race is going to be on May 28, 2012, Memorial Day! That is 96 days from now, plenty of time to work up to a 10k. :) We'll have to see if Sean wants to make it happen. Boulder's a couple hours from here, and we might need to stay there the night before since the race starts first thing in the morning. I think it would be fun! Sean and I did a couple 10k's last summer and it was a great experience each time. We shall see! (No strollers allowed at the BB, so we'll have to figure that out.)

Until next time.... walk in grace!

On grand entrances

Today was going to be the day. Projected high of 48 degrees, plenty warm outside. Energy, motivation, and free time were all mine. Today was the day I was going to start running again!

I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.

Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.

I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.

I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)

In the grip of His grace

Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

All of the verses throughout this story are ones I have committed to memory in the last several months.  At the time, I didn't know I would need them the way I do now.  God has been bringing them to mind throughout each day, and they are such a comfort.  Here’s the full story, starting last fall.

THE FIRST CHAPTER

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.  Psalm 71:5

In October 2011, I had what is called an “early miscarriage.”  We had taken a pregnancy test on October 11^th, my birthday.  We had been trying to get pregnant, so of course I took a test as soon as I thought was reasonable!  Less than two weeks after we found out, I started to miscarry, at about 6 weeks gestation.  It was a traumatic experience—I felt scared, upset, guilty, and so disappointed; I called Sean at work when it started, and he immediately came home; we spent the good portion of the day in various waiting rooms at Evans Army Hospital. 

GRIEVING

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.  Psalm 86:15

Over the next few months as I grieved (Sean grieved too, I’m just sharing the experience from mostly my perspective), I got teary-eyed whenever I would hear a baby cry.  At playgroup, I had to leave the room when moms started talking about how far apart their children were, because I knew I was about to lose it.  Two of our close friends (two couples, that is) announced they were pregnant, and again I went to another room to cry each time—very happy for them, but experiencing very raw pain as well. 

Over those few months, I really experienced how solid God’s character is, and how much knowing Him deeply can help us survive painful experiences.  I relied on Scripture that talked about God’s abounding love and faithfulness, His mercy and sovereignty.  It was certainly a painful time, but it didn’t destroy me.  I never sank into depression, for which I am thankful.  I feel like I have healed from the raw pain of that loss, though it still surfaces at times, and have grieved over the child we will never know, never get to hug or bathe or even see.  You grieve for lost opportunities, a lost future for your family, even if you never really knew your baby.  At times I wondered if my grief was reasonable, since we had known for such a short time that we were even pregnant.  (I decided it was.)

DO NOT WORRY

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34

As soon as we got the doctor’s okay to try and conceive again, we did, and on December 22, 2011 we got another positive pregnancy test result.  We were so happy, but I didn’t really let myself get excited.  I struggled with worry and fear: what if something happens to this baby too?  I felt the time would never pass until we could tell people, or let ourselves get excited about having a new baby.  We decided to wait a long time before telling anyone, even our families, just in case something happened.  It was very hard to wait several weeks, but we did.  Once I reached 10 weeks, we thought that was a good point to tell people we were pregnant.  After our experience in October, I had read as much as I could on miscarriage.  I had read that after 10 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage goes way down—still with no guarantees, but the most precarious time in a fetus’ development has passed by that point.  Over the course of a few days, we told our parents, our siblings, our Bible study group, my ladies’ Bible study, and our friends.  Oh yeah, and we told the world by posting it on Facebook.

THE ULTRASOUND

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock.  Isaiah 26:3-4

On Tuesday, January 31^st, 2012 I went in for a glucose test (to test for gestational diabetes) and an ultrasound.  I got my finger pricked for the baseline glucose reading, forced myself to drink the 10 ounces of very sugary liquid (with 50 grams of sugar in it), and sat in a waiting room for an hour while I waited to get blood drawn.  Sean met me there just before the ultrasound.  Heidi was our sonographer, and I had the privilege (ha) of having an “internal” ultrasound, instead of the external tummy (or “transabdominal”) ultrasound.  She took some measurements of my cervix and uterus, and even though it’s hard for us laypeople to distinguish anything on the grainy black-and-white screen, I didn’t see anything that resembled a baby, or even a yolk sac, something I had seen on one of Caleb’s early ultrasounds.  

We did see a dark area that turned out to be the gestational sac.  Heidi left the room, and brought in a radiologist, who told us there was in fact a gestational sac in me, but no baby.  He shared that fully 50% of pregnancies do not come to term—so it’s very common to have some sort of complication that means a “failed pregnancy,” and it’s really quite miraculous when a healthy baby does happen.  They were both really sympathetic, and offered the walk-in clinic at Evans Hospital as a resource to answer any questions we had.

At that point, I was in shock and didn’t really have questions.  Other than, what do you mean, no baby?  Why have I been so tired and nauseous and been “feeling” pregnant?  How did we get a positive pregnancy test result?  When did the baby stop developing, and why? What’s going to happen next? 

Apparently, the gestational sac (which is different from the placenta) can still form, even if there is a problem with the fertilized egg/embryo/fetus.  The gestational sac produces the hormone that shows up on a pregnancy test and causes pregnancy symptoms, thus giving a positive reading even though the baby may not develop properly in some cases.

THE CONFIRMATION

Great is our LORD, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.  Psalm 147:5

On Thursday, February 2^nd, I went to Evans Hospital, had another ultrasound, and met with a doctor, who confirmed the baby is no more.  The doctor gave me a handout describing “management” options, and for now we are going with the least invasive option: waiting.  My body should take care of things by itself in the next few weeks.

On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.


THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened.  Again.  But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal.  He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself.  It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God.  And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them.  We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going.  We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering.  We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope.  We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on. 

In these anguished moments lies a choice for me, for all of us: will I choose to believe the things about God that I say I believe?  When I have to live it out, do I really believe God is all-powerful and good?  Do I truly believe that He loves me and only allows those things into my life that can glorify Him and refine me?  We can (and are striving to) trust that God will use this for His inscrutable purposes in our lives, and possibly others’.  Nothing is without meaning because He is sovereign and good. 

At the same time, I believe it is acceptable to ask questions, to struggle with the lack of answers.  There are almost 200 questions throughout the Psalms, and even Jesus cried out, “Why?” on the Cross, though He knew His purpose all along in coming to the world.  Suffering does seem senseless to us, probably because we were created to exist in a perfect world where there was never death or disease or miscarriage or pain.  Death and suffering are not right.  They are never ideal or desirable.  Pain and sorrow are not easy to bear.  These things are present here on Earth, but only for a time.  What a comfort that is!

In the end, this disappointment doesn’t have to crush us.  Yes, it breaks our hearts.  I would never wish losing a child on anyone.  But we can rest on the Rock that doesn’t shift.  And we are poignantly aware now of the privilege it is to have Caleb in our lives and in our arms: a healthy, happy, growing little boy whom we love dearly and wouldn’t trade for anything.  I know I have been giving him extra hugs and kisses lately… hugs that he usually tries to squirm out of.  Hopefully someday he will realize how much we love him!

TO MY PREGNANT FRIENDS 

The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion…  Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.  Psalm 116:5, 7

I close with a note to all my pregnant friends: Please do not feel like you have to tip-toe around me.  I am so thrilled that you are having a baby, truly! It’s a beautiful miracle, and I can be excited for you even though I am also grieving.  Please keep telling me about the fun little details of your pregnancy, and don’t feel weird if I ask how you are feeling. I care about you and want to share the experience with you. My soul can be at rest because the Lord has been good to me.

Sophisticated Spit-up

Who says baby items can't be stylish?? Actually, there are quite a few companies for "posh tots" designed to satisfy parents' desires to be posh and petite. I can't fathom paying $500 for a crib set, but that's just me. I prefer smaller punches of pizzazz. Like zebra/soccer ball burp cloths!



I was at Joann's, buying some flannel to make baby burp cloths for my friend Mallory. The blue trains or car tracks (she's having a boy) just weren't speaking to me. I like to get two different fabrics with highly contrasting patterns or colors to sew together, and the polka dots they had (I do love polka dots) were the same hue, or saturation, or whatever it's called, as the blue trains fabric, so there just wasn't enough contrast for me. Enter zebra print. I've never done something quite so... unique... but it turned out! She loved them, and that's the important part. Thankfully, she's athletically minded too. :) I was crossing my fingers that she didn't hate soccer or something.

There's more to the story, because I bought the flannel on a Wednesday, and the shower was the following Saturday morning. That is so way ahead for me, with sewing projects. (Last time I made something for someone, I was in line at the cutting table at 2 p.m., and we were supposed to go over to their house for dinner that night! The tote bag came together in just a couple hours, so it worked out.)

Of course, by the time I washed, dried, and cut the fabric, it was Friday afternoon. :) I was all set to sew the rectangles together during Caleb's nap time... but my sewing machine wouldn't work. I was pretty stressed out, because I really wanted to do it while Caleb was sleeping, plus the shower was then "tomorrow morning." Needles, pins, and rotary cutters are not good toddler toys, so I try to avoid sewing when Caleb's awake. It took me pretty much his whole nap to troubleshoot the problem. All I ended up doing was moving the stitch length setting, and then voila, it worked. I sewed my first successful stitch... and he woke up. Argh.



Thankfully, Caleb goes to bed at seven, so I was able to crank out six burp cloths that evening. Sean was at a volunteer thing for work, so I was able to sew without neglecting him. :) I think they turned out pretty well! It was really fun, and I love handmade items.



Someday I want to open an etsy shop, but the thought scares me a little. There's so much awesome handmade stuff out there already; I kind of feel like my offerings wouldn't be good enough or unique enough. If I can find a niche, it would work smashingly, I'm sure. :) We shall see!

Boots and Bedtimes

Yesterday I cried over a pair of boots.

(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)

I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.

I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).

But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.

It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*

Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I am cheap frugal (ok, I'm actually cheap), but I do like quality items. Good quality boots are often $100+, real leather and all that jazz, you know. Well, I was at the mall a few weeks ago, not looking for boots at the time, but rather looking for an elevator to go upstairs with Caleb. We wandered into Sears because I thought there was one in the back of the store. Turns out it was an escalator, but since they frown upon hiking a stroller with a toddler in it up the moving steps, I decided to turn around and keep looking elsewhere in the mall for a way up. On our way out of Sears, I saw the shoe section! In the shoe section, I saw a wonderful pair of boots that were just about perfect! AND, to boot (haha), they were on clearance for $34.99! (About $36 and change with tax.) They didn't have my size, but the salesperson I talked to said they could order them on the computer, and they would be shipped to my home, for free! Awesome, let's do it! We did it, I paid for them, and happily went my way, even sent up a little, "Thank you, God" as I went. I got an e-mail the same day saying my order had been received. It may have been the next day that I got another e-mail saying they had shipped! Very exciting. A few days later, they arrived! We heard a doorbell (Sean was home at the time), and I thought, Hey, I bet those are my boots! Yay! That was fast! We opened up the box, and.... they didn't look right. They weren't right. There was a big gold zipper up the side, and it was a suedy brown and not a shiny smooth brown. For a moment I considered keeping them, if they fit, even though I didn't like them as well as the ones I ordered. But then I looked for the size. Seven and a half?! They're not even the right size! Ugh.

But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.

Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.

I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???

And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.

I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.

But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.

It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.

Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.

The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.

Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.

When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!

(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)



*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!


Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.