Today's forecast: 60's and mostly sunny; 100% chance of run in the afternoon.
We did it! Caleb and I went for a run... though I must say he gets the easy end of the deal. :) It was really windy, the kind of wind that snatches the breath out of your throat and causes temporary panic. It was also the type of wind that provides significant resistance! For precisely that reason, I chose to alter my Bullet out-and-back route by turning right instead of going straight down Bullet Road. When it's really windy and you're running outside, you know one half of your run will be pretty much miserable, and the other half will be a breeze (ha). You'll feel like you're flying when the wind is at your back. Well, I didn't want to start out with a miserably slow first half. So we turned right and had a cross-wind, somewhat challenging but not impossible to deal with. It was lovely! Overcast and windy, but not freezing! It was a great time. Here's how it went, in minutes.
1:45 -- starting to feel warmed up, muscles are remembering what they are supposed to do
4:45 -- tired legs, they remember too well!
10:10 -- rounding the final corner for the home stretch
12:45 -- done!
I consider this a smashing success. No collapsing strollers, no injuries, no walking, no tears of defeat. It was good. I am thankful for days like today where things actually go okay.
I'm considering signing up for the Bolder Boulder, supposedly the second-largest race in the US. I thought I saw that stat on the web site, but now I can't find it (it's always good to verify your facts...). This year's race is going to be on May 28, 2012, Memorial Day! That is 96 days from now, plenty of time to work up to a 10k. :) We'll have to see if Sean wants to make it happen. Boulder's a couple hours from here, and we might need to stay there the night before since the race starts first thing in the morning. I think it would be fun! Sean and I did a couple 10k's last summer and it was a great experience each time. We shall see! (No strollers allowed at the BB, so we'll have to figure that out.)
Until next time.... walk in grace!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
On grand entrances
Today was going to be the day. Projected high of 48 degrees, plenty warm outside. Energy, motivation, and free time were all mine. Today was the day I was going to start running again!
I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.
Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.
I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.
I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)
I have missed running-- the endorphins, the fresh air, the permission to eat more freely (not the least significant benefit, in my mind!). Pregnancy nausea and winter weather had made it all but impossible to run outside, which I vastly prefer to running inside. I have been feeling better recently, and it was such a warm (relatively) day, that I decided I would get down the jogging stroller off its hook in the garage, bundle up Caleb, lace up my running shoes, and go for it. Even if it was destined to be a short jaunt, I was okay with that. My goal was to make it all the way down Bullet Road (about a mile out from our house) and back. If I had to walk partway, and I was pretty certain I would need to, I was okay with that too.
Well, I got as far as the driveway. Caleb was a little red-jacketed Michelin man strapped into the jogger. I had inhaler, phone, and garage clicker in hand. We started walking down our driveway, which boasts a fairly steep slope. I guess I had not securely locked the jogger into place, because it started collapsing as we went down the driveway. I am SO thankful Caleb was not harmed. He just sat there on top as it folded down on itself, probably a little flummoxed that he was so close to the ground. I, however, did not escape without injury. Somehow I managed to whack my shin pretty good on the jogger as I tried to catch it without falling down the hill, hard enough to create a lump and a deep gouge. It didn't bleed much, but as I looked at it I didn't think it would be wise to try and run on it.
I managed to get the jogger upright and locked into place with Caleb still in it, and gingerly conveyed it and my throbbing leg back up the driveway. I took Caleb inside, removed his jackets and hat and shoes moments after putting them all on, and got some ice for my leg. I must admit I cried a little as I sat there holding a towel-covered bag of ice to my leg, mostly from the frustrated hopes of not getting to go outside and run, partly from the pain. Why does everything have to be so difficult? It would be easy to get inordinately upset over this kind of disappointment. I think it drives home the point that there are trials of all shapes and sizes (and outcomes). It might be a miscarriage-- been there, doing that-- it might be a job loss; it might be a broken pencil or a paper cut or a loved one's death or a thwarted plan-of-the-day.
I am so glad God's plans are never thwarted! I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) He is the only one who can definitively, authoritatively "say the word" and guarantee that it will happen exactly as He planned it. That is a comforting thought, even with a bruised shin and a disappointing lack-of-run this afternoon. As Sean comforted me, there's always tomorrow! Stay tuned for the next chapter in my up-and-down-and-all-over saga. :)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
In the grip of His grace
Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
All of the verses throughout this story are ones I have committed to memory in the last several months. At the time, I didn't know I would need them the way I do now. God has been bringing them to mind throughout each day, and they are such a comfort. Here’s the full story, starting last fall.
THE FIRST CHAPTER
For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Psalm 71:5
In October 2011, I had what is called an “early miscarriage.” We had taken a pregnancy test on October 11th, my birthday. We had been trying to get pregnant, so of course I took a test as soon as I thought was reasonable! Less than two weeks after we found out, I started to miscarry, at about 6 weeks gestation. It was a traumatic experience—I felt scared, upset, guilty, and so disappointed; I called Sean at work when it started, and he immediately came home; we spent the good portion of the day in various waiting rooms at Evans Army Hospital.
GRIEVING
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15
Over the next few months as I grieved (Sean grieved too, I’m just sharing the experience from mostly my perspective), I got teary-eyed whenever I would hear a baby cry. At playgroup, I had to leave the room when moms started talking about how far apart their children were, because I knew I was about to lose it. Two of our close friends (two couples, that is) announced they were pregnant, and again I went to another room to cry each time—very happy for them, but experiencing very raw pain as well.
Over those few months, I really experienced how solid God’s character is, and how much knowing Him deeply can help us survive painful experiences. I relied on Scripture that talked about God’s abounding love and faithfulness, His mercy and sovereignty. It was certainly a painful time, but it didn’t destroy me. I never sank into depression, for which I am thankful. I feel like I have healed from the raw pain of that loss, though it still surfaces at times, and have grieved over the child we will never know, never get to hug or bathe or even see. You grieve for lost opportunities, a lost future for your family, even if you never really knew your baby. At times I wondered if my grief was reasonable, since we had known for such a short time that we were even pregnant. (I decided it was.)
DO NOT WORRY
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
As soon as we got the doctor’s okay to try and conceive again, we did, and on December 22, 2011 we got another positive pregnancy test result. We were so happy, but I didn’t really let myself get excited. I struggled with worry and fear: what if something happens to this baby too? I felt the time would never pass until we could tell people, or let ourselves get excited about having a new baby. We decided to wait a long time before telling anyone, even our families, just in case something happened. It was very hard to wait several weeks, but we did. Once I reached 10 weeks, we thought that was a good point to tell people we were pregnant. After our experience in October, I had read as much as I could on miscarriage. I had read that after 10 weeks gestation, the risk of miscarriage goes way down—still with no guarantees, but the most precarious time in a fetus’ development has passed by that point. Over the course of a few days, we told our parents, our siblings, our Bible study group, my ladies’ Bible study, and our friends. Oh yeah, and we told the world by posting it on Facebook.
THE ULTRASOUND
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:3-4
On Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 I went in for a glucose test (to test for gestational diabetes) and an ultrasound. I got my finger pricked for the baseline glucose reading, forced myself to drink the 10 ounces of very sugary liquid (with 50 grams of sugar in it), and sat in a waiting room for an hour while I waited to get blood drawn. Sean met me there just before the ultrasound. Heidi was our sonographer, and I had the privilege (ha) of having an “internal” ultrasound, instead of the external tummy (or “transabdominal”) ultrasound. She took some measurements of my cervix and uterus, and even though it’s hard for us laypeople to distinguish anything on the grainy black-and-white screen, I didn’t see anything that resembled a baby, or even a yolk sac, something I had seen on one of Caleb’s early ultrasounds.
We did see a dark area that turned out to be the gestational sac. Heidi left the room, and brought in a radiologist, who told us there was in fact a gestational sac in me, but no baby. He shared that fully 50% of pregnancies do not come to term—so it’s very common to have some sort of complication that means a “failed pregnancy,” and it’s really quite miraculous when a healthy baby does happen. They were both really sympathetic, and offered the walk-in clinic at Evans Hospital as a resource to answer any questions we had.
At that point, I was in shock and didn’t really have questions. Other than, what do you mean, no baby? Why have I been so tired and nauseous and been “feeling” pregnant? How did we get a positive pregnancy test result? When did the baby stop developing, and why? What’s going to happen next?
Apparently, the gestational sac (which is different from the placenta) can still form, even if there is a problem with the fertilized egg/embryo/fetus. The gestational sac produces the hormone that shows up on a pregnancy test and causes pregnancy symptoms, thus giving a positive reading even though the baby may not develop properly in some cases.
THE CONFIRMATION
Great is our LORD, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Psalm 147:5
On Thursday, February 2nd, I went to Evans Hospital, had another ultrasound, and met with a doctor, who confirmed the baby is no more. The doctor gave me a handout describing “management” options, and for now we are going with the least invasive option: waiting. My body should take care of things by itself in the next few weeks.
On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.
THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened. Again. But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal. He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself. It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God. And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them. We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going. We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering. We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope. We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on.
On Wednesday, February 8th, I flew out to California to spend about a week with my parents (a pre-planned trip). Thursday night (last night) I started having some severe cramping-- as bad as labor pains-- and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. The condensed version is that my body was kicking in and everything seems to be taken care of now. My uterus looked good when they did an ultrasound. They gave me a saline-solution IV to rehydrate me since my blood pressure was pretty low, likely due to loss of blood. The grief is a lot stronger now, but I am thankful that we can move on through it, no longer in the limbo land of waiting for something to happen. I am also so very thankful that it did not happen while I was traveling with Caleb, that I did not require a D&C, and that my mom was able to go to the ER with me (and Dad was able to stay with Caleb). God was very gracious in the timing and the details, even though that hospital room was the last place I wanted to be last night. Especially without my husband. His original plan was to come out Monday for a TDY (business trip), but he may come out sooner now.
THOUGHTS
I don’t know why this has happened. Again. But I do know God will be here with us each day, each moment, as we wait and grieve and heal. He is faithful and we can trust Him—in fact, He uses the hardest times in our lives to teach us the most about Himself. It’s in the devastating times—times when you don’t know how you will make it through the day; times when you feel like your heart will explode, it hurts so bad; times when you don’t know who you are or what the meaning is in the seemingly-pointless suffering suffocating you—it’s those times that we can draw most near to God. And it will be those times that we will be able to look back on later, and see how faithful God was in the midst of them. We will be able to point out His sufficiency as the reason we could keep going. We will be able to see His love as the reason we were not destroyed by our suffering. We will be able to pinpoint His grace as the reason we were able to reject bitterness and cling to hope. We will be able to identify His strength as the reason we could press on.
In these anguished moments lies a choice for me, for all of us: will I choose to believe the things about God that I say I believe? When I have to live it out, do I really believe God is all-powerful and good? Do I truly believe that He loves me and only allows those things into my life that can glorify Him and refine me? We can (and are striving to) trust that God will use this for His inscrutable purposes in our lives, and possibly others’. Nothing is without meaning because He is sovereign and good.
At the same time, I believe it is acceptable to ask questions, to struggle with the lack of answers. There are almost 200 questions throughout the Psalms, and even Jesus cried out, “Why?” on the Cross, though He knew His purpose all along in coming to the world. Suffering does seem senseless to us, probably because we were created to exist in a perfect world where there was never death or disease or miscarriage or pain. Death and suffering are not right. They are never ideal or desirable. Pain and sorrow are not easy to bear. These things are present here on Earth, but only for a time. What a comfort that is!
In the end, this disappointment doesn’t have to crush us. Yes, it breaks our hearts. I would never wish losing a child on anyone. But we can rest on the Rock that doesn’t shift. And we are poignantly aware now of the privilege it is to have Caleb in our lives and in our arms: a healthy, happy, growing little boy whom we love dearly and wouldn’t trade for anything. I know I have been giving him extra hugs and kisses lately… hugs that he usually tries to squirm out of. Hopefully someday he will realize how much we love him!
TO MY PREGNANT FRIENDS
The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion… Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:5, 7
I close with a note to all my pregnant friends: Please do not feel like you have to tip-toe around me. I am so thrilled that you are having a baby, truly! It’s a beautiful miracle, and I can be excited for you even though I am also grieving. Please keep telling me about the fun little details of your pregnancy, and don’t feel weird if I ask how you are feeling. I care about you and want to share the experience with you. My soul can be at rest because the Lord has been good to me.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sophisticated Spit-up
Who says baby items can't be stylish?? Actually, there are quite a few companies for "posh tots" designed to satisfy parents' desires to be posh and petite. I can't fathom paying $500 for a crib set, but that's just me. I prefer smaller punches of pizzazz. Like zebra/soccer ball burp cloths!
I was at Joann's, buying some flannel to make baby burp cloths for my friend Mallory. The blue trains or car tracks (she's having a boy) just weren't speaking to me. I like to get two different fabrics with highly contrasting patterns or colors to sew together, and the polka dots they had (I do love polka dots) were the same hue, or saturation, or whatever it's called, as the blue trains fabric, so there just wasn't enough contrast for me. Enter zebra print. I've never done something quite so... unique... but it turned out! She loved them, and that's the important part. Thankfully, she's athletically minded too. :) I was crossing my fingers that she didn't hate soccer or something.
There's more to the story, because I bought the flannel on a Wednesday, and the shower was the following Saturday morning. That is so way ahead for me, with sewing projects. (Last time I made something for someone, I was in line at the cutting table at 2 p.m., and we were supposed to go over to their house for dinner that night! The tote bag came together in just a couple hours, so it worked out.)
Of course, by the time I washed, dried, and cut the fabric, it was Friday afternoon. :) I was all set to sew the rectangles together during Caleb's nap time... but my sewing machine wouldn't work. I was pretty stressed out, because I really wanted to do it while Caleb was sleeping, plus the shower was then "tomorrow morning." Needles, pins, and rotary cutters are not good toddler toys, so I try to avoid sewing when Caleb's awake. It took me pretty much his whole nap to troubleshoot the problem. All I ended up doing was moving the stitch length setting, and then voila, it worked. I sewed my first successful stitch... and he woke up. Argh.
Thankfully, Caleb goes to bed at seven, so I was able to crank out six burp cloths that evening. Sean was at a volunteer thing for work, so I was able to sew without neglecting him. :) I think they turned out pretty well! It was really fun, and I love handmade items.
Someday I want to open an etsy shop, but the thought scares me a little. There's so much awesome handmade stuff out there already; I kind of feel like my offerings wouldn't be good enough or unique enough. If I can find a niche, it would work smashingly, I'm sure. :) We shall see!
I was at Joann's, buying some flannel to make baby burp cloths for my friend Mallory. The blue trains or car tracks (she's having a boy) just weren't speaking to me. I like to get two different fabrics with highly contrasting patterns or colors to sew together, and the polka dots they had (I do love polka dots) were the same hue, or saturation, or whatever it's called, as the blue trains fabric, so there just wasn't enough contrast for me. Enter zebra print. I've never done something quite so... unique... but it turned out! She loved them, and that's the important part. Thankfully, she's athletically minded too. :) I was crossing my fingers that she didn't hate soccer or something.
There's more to the story, because I bought the flannel on a Wednesday, and the shower was the following Saturday morning. That is so way ahead for me, with sewing projects. (Last time I made something for someone, I was in line at the cutting table at 2 p.m., and we were supposed to go over to their house for dinner that night! The tote bag came together in just a couple hours, so it worked out.)
Of course, by the time I washed, dried, and cut the fabric, it was Friday afternoon. :) I was all set to sew the rectangles together during Caleb's nap time... but my sewing machine wouldn't work. I was pretty stressed out, because I really wanted to do it while Caleb was sleeping, plus the shower was then "tomorrow morning." Needles, pins, and rotary cutters are not good toddler toys, so I try to avoid sewing when Caleb's awake. It took me pretty much his whole nap to troubleshoot the problem. All I ended up doing was moving the stitch length setting, and then voila, it worked. I sewed my first successful stitch... and he woke up. Argh.
Thankfully, Caleb goes to bed at seven, so I was able to crank out six burp cloths that evening. Sean was at a volunteer thing for work, so I was able to sew without neglecting him. :) I think they turned out pretty well! It was really fun, and I love handmade items.
Someday I want to open an etsy shop, but the thought scares me a little. There's so much awesome handmade stuff out there already; I kind of feel like my offerings wouldn't be good enough or unique enough. If I can find a niche, it would work smashingly, I'm sure. :) We shall see!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Boots and Bedtimes
Yesterday I cried over a pair of boots.
(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)
I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.
I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).
But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.
It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*
Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I amcheap frugal (ok, I'm actually cheap), but I do like quality items. Good quality boots are often $100+, real leather and all that jazz, you know. Well, I was at the mall a few weeks ago, not looking for boots at the time, but rather looking for an elevator to go upstairs with Caleb. We wandered into Sears because I thought there was one in the back of the store. Turns out it was an escalator, but since they frown upon hiking a stroller with a toddler in it up the moving steps, I decided to turn around and keep looking elsewhere in the mall for a way up. On our way out of Sears, I saw the shoe section! In the shoe section, I saw a wonderful pair of boots that were just about perfect! AND, to boot (haha), they were on clearance for $34.99! (About $36 and change with tax.) They didn't have my size, but the salesperson I talked to said they could order them on the computer, and they would be shipped to my home, for free! Awesome, let's do it! We did it, I paid for them, and happily went my way, even sent up a little, "Thank you, God" as I went. I got an e-mail the same day saying my order had been received. It may have been the next day that I got another e-mail saying they had shipped! Very exciting. A few days later, they arrived! We heard a doorbell (Sean was home at the time), and I thought, Hey, I bet those are my boots! Yay! That was fast! We opened up the box, and.... they didn't look right. They weren't right. There was a big gold zipper up the side, and it was a suedy brown and not a shiny smooth brown. For a moment I considered keeping them, if they fit, even though I didn't like them as well as the ones I ordered. But then I looked for the size. Seven and a half?! They're not even the right size! Ugh.
But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.
Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.
I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???
And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.
I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.
But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.
It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.
Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.
The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.
Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.
When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!
(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)
*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!
Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.
(Also, I am blogging right now instead of going to the Y like I planned. This may be a post full of confessions.)
I want to confess that I often feel like blogging is something I "should" do, but I lack the "want to." It feels like an obligation, not an outlet. Why? I'm not sure. :) We'll leave that thought for later.
I've been reading some gutsy, entertaining, touching blogs lately, and have decided that if or when I blog, I want it to be more like that. More than the boring "this is what we did last week," even though someone might enjoy it (thanks, Mom).
But back to the boots. I have been wanting some boots for a long time now. Sean was looking at the pictures on my phone the other day, and we realized I had taken a picture of a boot that I saw and liked probably two years ago, before Caleb was born at least.
It's been a fairly casual pursuit, since I don't usually have a ton of cash to fork over for a pair of non-essential shoes. (In this climate, at least in winter, they are less of a splurge and more of a useful necessity!) I guess I am picky about shoes, too. I usually don't like a lot of frills or fancy (useless) buckles or rivets or ornamentation. Clean lines, classic silhouettes, that's me.*
Dark brown, knee-high, low-heeled leather boots. That's all I wanted. A good price wouldn't hurt. I am
But it was okay. I figured I could just go back to the store, explain what happened (the box was correct, but whoever shipped them didn't look inside to see if the contents matched the box), and ask to re-order them. An added step in the process, but not the end of the world. Still doable. At this point I was still upbeat about finding some great boots.
Well. When I went back to try and re-order, the lady tried to on the Sears site, but my size (8) was out of stock. What about 8 1/2? That might work. Also out of stock. She was very apologetic, and I can't blame people for snapping those boots up, because they were really nice. :) She offered me a discount, if there were any other pair of boots I wanted. Thanks, but... no. I actually kind of wanted those boots. I've been looking a lot, and I know what I want, and those were it. A few days before, I had gotten halfway to the register at Kohl's with a box of boots under my arm, when I realized I was just buying them to buy them; I didn't love them and they weren't quite what I was looking for. I put them back, because I have learned that I am much more satisfied with a purchase when I love what I buy, and don't settle.
I was really, really disappointed that I wouldn't be able to order those boots at Sears. I cried a little after I left the store, and called my mom as I wandered around the mall, not really seeing anything. But you know what? There was a healthy dose of self-pity in there too, maybe even some entitlement. I hardly ever buy myself anything nice, and the one time I try, it gets messed up and I am so disappointed! I deserve something nice for all the sacrifices I make all the time! I plan menus and cook from scratch and try so hard to stay in our budget, and I can't even enjoy a pair of shoes that I need. This is so unfair. Stores should never be out of stock of anything. How is that possible in America?? Could those boots really be that popular that there are no more anywhere in the whole world???
And it goes on. I noticed I was even irritable with other drivers on my way home. I realized 1) this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things; 2) I got everything else on my list for the day done, and that was not an insignificant number of tasks! Yet I couldn't even enjoy the productivity because all I could think about was not having my boots; and 3) I didn't have to let one bummer of a circumstance ruin my whole day, or affect my mindset for the rest of the day. I had a choice to make.
I could let it go, and think on some true things, like... I have a wonderful husband and son who love me. We have a warm house and two cars and plenty of food and so many privileges here in America. We have music and mountains and colors and computers. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and died for me and wants me to be like Him. In one part of my brain, the choice seemed pretty easy.
But it was still really hard to let go of that disappointment. I really, really wanted those boots. I was angry when I couldn't have them. I resented having to wear my old, boring shoes. I do have some water-resistant (snow-resistant!) boots, camel-colored above-the-ankle boots, which I do like very much, but those aren't the same as tall, tuck-in-your-jeans-and-be-stylish brown boots.
It's pretty amazing to me that I struggle so very much with giving up my desires, even small ones. It gives me compassion for Caleb when he throws a tantrum, because I know how strong that tug is on our sinful hearts, whether it's an issue of boots or bedtimes. I want it. I need it. I don't want to go to bed!! I. Must. Have. My. Own. Way.
Another way to put it would be the flesh. It's selfish, prideful, and easily angered. Bitter, lustful, vengeful, spiteful. All the things Jesus isn't. It's quite the miracle that He could transform us from what we were, to what He wants us to become.
The good news is, He will finish that redemptive work, someday. He has promised, and He always keeps His promises. He fixes people who cry over spilled milk and out-of-stock boots. He loves those who have trouble loving other drivers. He loves us despite our sinfulness, which goes through and through. And He loves us enough to change us by chipping away at our wants, our grasping hands. Until we see that He is the supreme treasure, the one thing (Person) we should pursue with all our hearts and all our energy, and hold onto with all our might. Not some silly boots that will only last a few years. His way is best, even when we have trouble seeing it. And He takes care of us! He doesn't strip us of our selfishness and leave us with nothing; He gave us Himself, and He cares for our true needs.
Yesterday I saw my frailty, and my need for Him to change my heart, because I still act like a child when I don't get my own way. I may not throw myself down on the ground and scream, like Caleb does (which is hilarious! sometimes...), but my heart is just as self-centered and stubborn.
When I finally do find some boots I like, I will wear them and remember that life is not about boots, or bedtimes, but a Savior we can and should celebrate all the time, not just during Christmas! He has freed us from ourselves and our shallow pursuits. What a relief!
(Now, one final note: I do not think it is wrong to buy things, or to have desires. Those are natural. But they so easily become overwhelming and take too much priority in our hearts. We so quickly turn to other people and other things, when God designed us to worship and love Him first, and enjoy human relationships and material things second.)
*At this point, Caleb came up to my chair and started banging his head against the arm and crying. We went and read books and played with balls for awhile, then I came back to the computer when he was happily occupied. For five seconds. Then he found me again and stood there crying pitifully. I tried to ignore him for a minute since I was on a roll. Then he tried tickling, then pinching, my side to get some attention. It worked. The rest of the post, after the asterisk, got written after he went to bed!
Update: today I got an e-mail from Sears proclaiming, "You deserve the best: here are your top ten deals!" Ironic.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Josh and Rachel's wedding
As most wedding weekends are, this one was pretty full. It was so good to see friends, hang out, and of course eat BBQ and play N64 as part of the festivities leading up to THE festivity, the wedding. This post will be mostly pictures, since that's the best way to tell this kind of story.
Here are some of "da boys," a.k.a groomsmen, hanging out at Dave and Buster's, site of the bachelor party (Caleb and I had our own party in our hotel room-- he slept, I read on my Kindle :) I got to go to a shower for Rachel, so I wasn't always sitting around while we were in Missouri. ;)
Rehearsal dinner, table one-- left side, left to right: Stephanie, sister of the bride and maid of honor; Josh, groom; Rachel, bride; bridesmaid and her fiance (?). On the right are Stephanie and Rachel's cousins, the pastor and his wife, and another bridesmaid.
Rehearsal dinner, table two-- us and a bunch of family members and friends of Josh and Rachel. It was fun to talk to some of Josh's college buddies and hear stories about him from before we met him.
All dolled up for the wedding! Handsomest Best Man ever, in my opinion. :)
The happy couple
Bridal party
Best man and maid of honor
We took this self-portrait just after the wedding, waiting outside. One thing I thought was cool about their wedding: they had a big sendoff leaving the church, with bubbles, I think, before the reception-- that way everyone gets to participate in a celebratory sendoff, and it's still light so you can see everybody! There was a second, quieter sendoff later, around 10:30 or 11, I think. Caleb and I were both pretty fried-- him from staying up late with a very stimulating crowd for company, me from chasing him around all day while Sean got dressed, took pictures, placed signs along roads, and did other best-man-type duties. It was a really fun day and we are so glad to have been a part of it!
Mothers' dance at the reception-- both moms are so sweet!
Sean did a fantastic job recreating the Mizzou logo on the new Lt. and Mrs. Carlson's car. It was fun decorating their ride for them! And now they live about 15 minutes away from us in a cute house! We are so grateful to have them as friends. :) We definitely enjoyed our July trip to Missouri to see Josh and Rachel get married.
Monday, December 12, 2011
What we've been up to lately...
This month...
Caleb practiced his wax-on, wax-off skills using some Tupperware lids he found in a kitchen drawer. He loves sliding around the room with objects under his hands-- sometimes ice-cube trays, sometimes board books, you name it. He's a busy little guy, never still for long!
Caleb helped Mommy wrap Christmas presents. Scotch tape only occupied him for so long, then he was climbing onto the wrapping paper to investigate what I was doing, or trying to get the scissors out of my pocket, which I put there to keep safely away from him, or picking up the object(s) I was in the middle of wrapping. I finally decided to wrap presents while he was napping. :)
Caleb helped Mommy with housework; he finds the vacuum especially fascinating. It's a delicate dance, luring him to other parts of the room so I can vacuum the piece of carpet he was previously occupying. It's actually kind of fun! I can't fault him for being curious.
Stay tuned for some catch-up posts from this summer and fall, as well as more-recent events like Thanksgiving and gingerbread house-decorating!
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